Monday, November 7, 2016

Nadsack Stuck to Pence's Leg Irrelevant in Decision to Leave Race

At a press conference today, Republican (now-ex)Vice Presidential Nominee Mike Pence vehemently insisted that his reason for dropping out of the race was not that he accidentally superglued his nadsack to his inner left thigh the previous evening, and certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he, as yet, had not been able to unglue it.

"It's irrelevant," Pence said, standing in an awkward, bent position, with his hand over his misshapen crotch bulge.

"Have you tried acetone?" Shouted a Washington Post reporter. "I did the same damn thing last year and acetone was a godsend."

"Please don't use the lord's name in vain," said Pence, adjusting himself and wincing. "And acetone didn't work in this case."

When pressed for the true reason he decided to step off the ticket, Pence shrugged. "You ever just have enough? I hate this shit. I feel like going to Burger King, playing bocce ball, singing in the rain, and making love to my wife." No one asked him how he planned to do these things with his nad sack stuck to his leg.

Democratic Presidential Nominee, Hillary Clinton, issued a statement wishing Pence a speedy recovery and a life outside of the political sector.

Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential Nominee, sighed and shook his head when asked for a statement. "Getting your nadsack stuck to your leg with nature's own goo is bad enough," he said, in a surprisingly presidential show of empathy for his fellow man. "But super glue? Yeeee-ikes! I wish him the best! And I found a new guy for the ticket!"

Trump's new running mate is the weeping pustule of a newly lanced boil on the rim of his very asshole. He was chosen over Melania's p-word.


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Turkmenistan to Require All Homes to Have Swimming Pools by 2017

The people of Turkmenistan voted this week to require all homes to have swimming pools installed by 2017. President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow announced that he was pleased with this decision and that it showed that Turkmenistan is "on the upswing."

"Before now," he said, in front of an audience of voters, "People worldwide did not associate our country with swimming, tanning, wading, or hanging out in a pool. That's one of the reasons tourism has 'dried up' since the silk road was a thing." Berdimuhamedow giggled. "Get it?????"

Uzbekistan issued a press release condemning their historical rival. It read:

As usual, Turkmenistan doesn't get it.
Tajikstan has maintained an uncharacteristic silence on this issue. Turkmenistan's main ally in the international front, Eritrea, sent a congratulatory tweet: "great idea! pools are fun."

Balfour Beatty has been contracted to build all the pools in one fell swoop. The day of build is October 29.


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Honey Boo Boo Rapes Donald Trump

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo was found guilty today on six counts of rape, over the incident in July in which she kidnapped, raped, and sounded Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump.

Honey Boo Boo was tried as a juvenile, since she is 11, and will do community service as her sentence.

"I just wanted to go on a date with him," she said at a press conference in front of the New York State Southern District Courthouse this afternoon. "He said no, because I was too old and not hot enough. He said no over and over again. Why should I take no for an answer? A man like that? I had to have him. I did what I did because I had to do it, and honestly, I'm not sorry."

Mr. Trump suffered anal fissures, urethral bleeding, and a sad mood for a few weeks, but he'll be okay.


Monday, October 10, 2016

Pee Endorses Donald Trump

At a press conference at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this evening, Pee, the clear-to-yellow liquid seen streaming forth from urethras big and small around the world, endorsed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

"I was an undecided voter for a long time," Pee said, "but as I was passing through a particularly economically depressed, tiny ureter today, I've finally made up my mind. It seems to me that Mr. Trump really has my best interests at heart, so I'm going to vote for him and I urge you to do so as well."

Pee cited a hatred of free trade, a love of making America great again, and an appreciation of the pale yellow color of Mr. Trump's hair as reasons for the endorsement.

"I like yellowish things," Pee shrugged.

Pee's comrades-in-bodily-fluid have been varied in their endorsements. Poop endorsed Mr. Trump several weeks ago, as did his very conservative wife, The Squirts. Blood, Sweat, and Tears endorsed Mr. Trump's rival, the Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton, back in August. Vomit, Puke, Throw-up, and Snot have not endorsed any candidates, but were seen cuddling the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, as he sailed around the Sargasso Sea on his private grand-canoe. Santorum will only ever support Dick Cheney.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Switzerland to Abandon Currency in Favor of Barter System

The Grand Duke of Switzerland, Heimlich K. Maneuver, announced late Saturday night that Switzerland is abandoning the CHF in favor of what he called "a return to the peaceful values of trading goods and services for goods and services."

"Listen," he said, shaking his head. "We're tired of all this banking bullshit. We're closing all the banks and turning them into gardens. The gardens will grow flowers and foodstuffs. We will trade the flowers and foodstuffs. Tomorrow morning, the Swiss franc will be worth zilch."

Grand Duke Heimlich K. Maneuver, a world-renowned expert in the fields of Economics, Policy, and Fencing, holds advanced degrees from the University of Phoenix and the University of the Ozarks. His Facebook page lists his hobbies, which include: "war games," "knowing when to hold/knowing when to fold," and "receiving fellatio :)"


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Newt Gingrich Admits to Having Fellated a Pigeon

Thursday night, during the Republican Primary debate, Newt Gingrich shocked voters and his fellow candidates by admitting that in his youth, he had once performed fellatio on a pigeon.

"It was 1955," Gingrich said, waving his hand as though to dismiss his behavior. "Who didn't do something nutty? I was bored, and it was right there, and well, you know how boys are. This in no way has anything to do with my ability to function as President of the United States. In fact, I wager Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and both Roosevelts did the very same thing in their youth-times. It's not that abnormal. It's really not."

Gingrich's admission was in response to moderator Dan Quayle's question, "what is the worst thing you've ever done?"

Mitt Romney answered that he twice shat in his neighbor's mailbox--once in 1996, and once in 1998. "I'm really sorry," he said, shaking his head.

Rick Santorum sighed and admitted to having once fantasized about being gang-banged. "I was a young, wayward lad" he explained, "growing up in a godless country."

Ron Paul answered the question by removing his shirt.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Football Players Quit Football in Favor of New Sport

Early Friday, a newly-formed consortium of all professional football players, calling themselves "NFA" which stands for "no football anymore," announced that they were finished playing football and that they have invented a new sport that is much better. The group made a press release and purchased full-page advertisements in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, the Los Angeles Times, and Time Magazine.

"It's called Running On A Field," reads the copy. "It's much better than football. You still have two teams in two different outfits. You still have people watching the game and cheering. Only, there is no ball, and the rules are as thus: As soon as the game starts, everyone begins to run around. Everyone wears a pedometer. An hour later, the score is tallied, and the team with the most points wins. Here are how the score is tabulated:

1. Raw pedometer numbers (more miles = better. One point per 1/10th of a mile.)
2. Tricks. A triple-axl is five points. A cartwheel is 10 points. A back handspring is 12 points. Skipping or galloping across the entire field is 5 points. Hopping on one foot the entire game is worth 30 points.

We like this game much better than football, so we're playing it instead from now on. Sincerely, the NFA."


Monday, December 5, 2011

Herman Cain to Shit Silver Dollars

Republican presidential primary candidate Herman Cain announced today in Salt Lake City that once in office he plans to "shit silver dollars every day or two" to help balance the budget.

"it's a trick I learned when I was a little boy," he told a rapt audience of supporters. "It's easy and not that hard."

Cain went on to say that the silver dollars from his bunghole will eliminate the need for any taxes. "It's that simple," he said, shouting over a screaming crowd of republicans. "It's really that simple."


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Ted Danson Plans to Cremate Himself to Boost the Economy

Actor/Dancer/Politician Ted Danson told Entertainment Weekly in an interview on Sunday that he plans to "self-cremate" on November 1st, 2011, as a way to boost the depressed economy.

"I'm a lucky guy," Danson said, looking at the camera. "I've had my share of a good life. What about those poor unemployed people? What about the people without houses and without jobs? This is for them."

When asked how cremating himself would boost the economy, Danson pulled out a whiteboard and brought America back to Econ101. "First, it's gonna happen at a grocery store. It's gonna make a big mess. A big, big, big mess. They're gonna have to hire people to clean it up: JOBS! They're gonna have to rebuild the part of the grocery store that my flaming body burned down: JOBS! People will have to shop at another grocery store while this one is being fixed, meaning that other grocery store will need more checkout lanes: JOBS! There will have to be more roads to get to that other grocery store, and someone has to plan, design, and build them: JOBS! Newspapers have to report about all of this: JOBS! My insurance company has to fight my wife in court as to whether she gets a payout for a suicide that benefits humanity: JOBS! My wife will need a new dress for court: JOBS! New shoes, too: JOBS! There will be a funeral planned for me and a grave dug for my ashes: JOBS! A headstone: JOBS! An online dating service for my wife: JOBS! Restaurants she goes to on terrible first dates: JOBS! Birth control she buys: JOBS! A wedding she plans: JOBS! JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS!"

Danson hopes other actors, dancers, and politicians follow in his selfless lead. "Dude, I can't believe more people aren't helping out," he said. "JOBS!"


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Dillards and Food Emporium to Merge Businesses

Dan Quayle, the CEO of Dillards, announced at a spur-of-the-moment press conference Saturday afternoon that Dillards will merge with grocery empire Food Emporium in December, forming a new brand which will be called "EatShirts."

EatShirts will be a revolutionary new type of business--Dillards and Food Emporium aren't just going to have stores that sell both clothing and groceries. EatShirts will sell clothing that is, according to Quayle, "edible, delicious, and affordable."

"We're really excited about this new partnership," Quayle said, smiling and adjusting his tie, which he later confessed was composed of sugar and beet fibers. "Because who has money anymore to buy both clothes and dinner? The answer is: nobody does. Too many people have to choose between eating and fashion. Well, not anymore."

The first EatShirts will open in Spring Creek, Brooklyn, at the Gateway strip mall. Six more stores will open the following week, in the American cities of Sault St. Marie, Helena, Duluth, Portland, and the international cities of Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea, and Stonetown, Tanzania. "Market research has shown a huge demand in Stonetown," said Quayle, when questioned about his choice. "Listen, I'm the CEO for a reason." He licked his tie and pronounced it delicious.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Andrea Bocelli To Record Pornographic Spoken-Word Record

World-famous baritone Andrea Bocelli announced after a sold-out concert in Brooklyn's McGolrick Park this morning that he is in the process of finalizing "the most amazing record of [his] career." The crowd gave this news a standing ovation, and Mr. Bocelli hushed them, saying "let me tell you about it first, okay?"

The record, which will be released by Interscope in December, will be a 68-minute pornographic spoken-word album featuring titles such as "Fuck my Fucking Fuck-hole," "BallMouth," "A Dick a Day Dionysus," and "Twats, Cunts, and Gashes." Background music will consist of light oboe and cello sounds donated by the Cleveland City Orchestra.

"I'm really proud of this record," Bocelli said. "It's a new direction for me. A permanent one? Time will tell, as time always tells. But it feels great right now!"


Monday, August 8, 2011

US GDP Falls by 76%

The United States issued a worldwide press release this afternoon, announcing that its gross domestic product had declined by 76% in the month of July. "Everyone is really bored and tired, and we don't want to do stuff anymore," the missive began. It went on to list all the reasons for the nation's collective ennui, which included: heat, hunger, "our shoes are too tight," "farms aren't fun anymore," "metal is dumb to make," "we feel like being minimalists," and "so what, fuck you."

Yugoslavia responded with a press release of its own, stating "you owe us some money, though." Iraq issued a press release that read "huh, whatever." China issued a press release in Chinese, but nobody could translate it.


Monday, July 11, 2011

North Korea To Pay Off All US Student Loan Debt

The Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.

"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."

France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.

"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Britney Spears Has Surgery to Switch Face and Butt

Britney Spears was admitted to the UCLA Hospital Major Surgery Center early Sunday morning for an operation-- faciobuttoplasty--she claims she has been hoping to have for a long time.

"I've been saving money for this since I was a little girl," she told a Newsweek reporter, as she sat in the waiting room. "This is going to be a dream come true."

Ms. Spears, 34, is going to be the world's first person to undergo this new and controversial procedure. A team of plastic surgeons will first remove her entire face and store it in a sterile liquiviscuous hydrogen chamber while Ms. Spears is flipped over for her butt to receive the same treatment. Once her butt is removed and stored in the chamber, her face will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed carefully to the area where her butt used to be. Since butts are classically larger than faces, Ms. Spears' face will be lightly stretched to cover the correct amount of her body. Once the face is stiched to where the butt used to be, Ms. Spears will be flipped over again and her butt will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed to where her face used to be. The extra buttflesh will be used to create "cute little florettes" that Ms. Spears designed herself, to be sewn to her ears.

Once the outer, cosmetic part of the surgery is complete, a team of internists and surgeons will use lasers to reroute the workings of Ms. Spears body so she can still see from her newly-placed eyes, smell from her newly-placed nose, eat from her newly-placed mouth, and defecate from her newly-placed butt without any hardship.

Ms. Spears is expected to be released from the hospital by Tuesday, and her bandages are set to come off the following Friday.

"I feel great about this," she said, smiling. "Next time you see this smile, you know where it will be!"


Friday, July 8, 2011

Obama to Replace All Furniture in White House with IKEA 'Beddinge'

President Barack Obama announced today, first to the Senate and then to the media, that he plans to "throw away all that musty old furniture" that currently graces the White House and to purchase "a bunch of those beddinge things you can get at Ikea."

The beddinge is IKEA's best selling product, with over 900,000 sold per week in the United States alone. In the May 2011 Sofas! magazine, Kathie Lee Gifford weighed in on the product: "The beddinge is the best couch and the best bed. It's the best piece of furniture in my house. I can't imagine why anyone would not want one."

"They're really nice," the President said, realizing he needed to explain himself after his announcement was received with stunned silence. "Utilitarian. You can sit on them, lie on them, whatever. Eat on them, if you stack them. And we're gonna, because I just threw away the kitchen table. These things are useful in so many ways! They're a good symbol for our hard times. We all must make sacrifices. Plus, all this spending--it's my private money, you know--helps the American economy."

When reminded that IKEA is actually a Swedish company, the President waved his hand and countered, "shut up."


Monday, April 4, 2011

Florida Governor Rick Scott Survived 6 Years on Diet of Rat Turds

Florida's Governor, Tea Partier Rick Scott, confessed in his recently-published autobiography "By, About, and 4 The Lord" that from the age of 30 to 36, he ate nothing but vitamins, water, and the turds of his pet rat, Wanda. The passage in the book reads:
And so it began--the fad diet. I was ninety pounds overweight, and my cholesterol was frightfully high. My doctor recommended diet changes, exercise, and medication, but the medication made me sleepy and I strongly dislike exercising. So I searched for alternative remedies, and found an ancient diet treatise written by a monk in the 1230s--of course, it was written in Latin, so I had it translated. It recommended that I eat nothing by "thy faeces of A Ratte" and health would be mine, so I did. I lost all the weight, and found, on top of that, holiness."

At age 36, a bout with gout convinced Scott to return to more conventional eating habits.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sonny Bono found to be the True Duke of Earl

Several genealogy and royal lineage experts came forward Sunday morning with alarming news: First, that the Duke of Earl is not a fiction, and second, that Sonny Bono, of all people, was the last living Duke of Earl.

"Earl is a small, lesser-known township about 60 kilometers from Manchester," commented one of the lineage experts, R. Calvin Kooligidaire. "Right now, only four people live there. But in the 1640s, it was a boom town, because it was home to a salt mine and an armory, not to mention a horse breeding field."

"And," interjected another expert, M. Maynard Fillmorsel, "every boom town had its own Duke, of course. Earl, being so small nowadays, hasn't really kept up on this--but a sizable population of Earl-dwellers migrated to the Americas and to Continental Europe in the 1700s and 1800s. Mr. Bono's maternal grandmother's line was one of them, and strangely, her line was also heir to the Dukedom of Earl. Mr. Sonny Bono was the last living Duke of Earl."

Cher wrote on her blog a long and moving entry about the extra respect she now felt for the deceased Bono. "Sonny was among my dearest friends, and I miss him every day, several times. I meditate, now, upon his photograph, and I think about what it means to be the last Duke of Earl."


Friday, April 1, 2011

New York Times to Charge for Online Access

This week, the New York Times began to charge users to access its online content.

Times readers will be able to access 20 articles a month for free. After they have accessed 20 articles, they must subscribe to get access to additional content. The paper offers three pricing plans that permit different levels of content access. The cheapest plan costs $15 per month and the most expensive plan costs $35 per month. Subscribers to the print edition of the paper will also have unlimited access to the online edition.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Red is No Longer a Color

The International Academy of Color (IAOC) published a report today that broached a controversial topic for the first time since the Middle Ages: Whether red is a color. IOAC takes the position that red is not a color, but "an offset of infrared."

"It's really very technical," Wayne Gretzky, the current President of IAOC commented on the Today Show. "The fact that red is not a color isn't going to change anyone's relationship with red. You can still see it. It's just, scientifically, it doesn't meet the definition of a color. A color's wavelength must be between 400nm and 690 nm. Beyond 690 nm, not a color. Something else."

"Something else? Like what?" asked host Regis Philbin.


"And what's infrared?"

"More like a microwave than a color. I don't mean to cause trouble--but watch out for red, I guess is what the IAOC wants to say. Red isn't just pretty to look at. It can cook your food, if you're not careful.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sorbonne to Build "Warren G. Harding Dining Hall."

Paris-Sorbonne University, one of the successor universities of the Sorbonne, announced early Wednesday that the construction of their new dining hall will begin June 3rd. The hall, which will be built in the modernist style, will be named "Warren G. Harding Dining Hall," after the only United States President to hold a degree from the Sorbonne (Arts & Science, 1884).

"Warren Harding was quite a scholar, and he did very well here," said the President of the University, who asked to remain anonymous. "His senior thesis was on the differences between Beowulf and all of French literature. There are, as Harding discovered, a lot of them."

"It's a shame we waited this long to build Harding Dining Hall," remarked the Bursar, who is also the President's wife. "Such great things can go unnoticed."

Warren G. Harding Dining Hall will open for service in Fall 2013. It will serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Conan O'Brien Arrested for Having Sex With a Dog at TGI Friday's

Conan O'Brien entered a Los Angeles TGI Friday's restaurant at 7pm yesterday, leading with him, on a leash, an unnamed female rottweiler. The restaurant hostess attempted to remove Mr. O'Brien from the premises due to the franchise's rigid "no dog" policy, but Mr. O'Brien pushed past her, sidled up to the bar, and stole a man's beer.

"He downed that thing in two seconds," said the befuddled Jason Duncan of Los Angeles, 24. "And then, it got really weird."

According to Mr. Duncan and other witnesses, Mr. O'Brien removed his pants, mounted the dog, and had sex with it, emitting "foul and loud whoops of glee." The dog was silent.

"I can't believe he'd do that to our establishment. We were always on Team Conan," said the manager of the restaurant, Lynne Fuhrtenhaur. "I'm sorry he got arrested, but really. It was a dumb thing to do."

Mr. O'Brien issued a statement of apology. It read, in its entirety, "Yeah, okay, sorry, whatever."


Monday, November 8, 2010

New Jersey Tidal Wave Claims Ten Thousand Lives

A tidal wave crashed into New Jersey this morning, killing ten thousand people, injuring twenty thousand more, and destroying entire neighborhoods of homes and businesses.

Witnesses claim the wave came "out of nowhere" and inundated the state with a violence that called to mind "Saw."

New Jersey Governor Tom Brokaw has declared a state of emergency. Atlantic City Mayor Janet Jackson has been reported missing. Camden and Newark do not have mayors. Trenton Mayor Frank Sinatra issued the following statement:

New Jersey is in tears today. God help us all.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Karl Marx Publishes Cookbook from the Grave

Karl Marx has published a cookbook from the grave. The book, entitled "Kooking With Karl: Kookies, Kakes, and Kales," has sold seven million copies worldwide, including twelve hundred on the Kindle. The Kindle edition features six extra recipes: Ice cream, cut avocados, orange juice, mixed beverage pie, lettuce leaf soup, and peas.

"It's not really Karl from the grave publishing this," his great-great-grand-niece, Tabitha, explained on Good Morning America yesterday morning. "It's his family. Karl was a great cook, and he really loved desserts and greens the best. He kept his recipes in a big box, and we found it in our sub-attic, so we decided to compile them into a book."

All proceeds from the book are being donated to the cause of communism.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Al Gore Wins Amateur Burp-Kiss Contest at Lancaster County Fair

Al Gore, who had stopped at the Lancaster County Fair in Pennsylvania to spread word about climate change, entered the Amateur Burp-Kiss Contest on "a lark." "I had said my piece, and people had listened, and I thought, okay, I want to have some fun."

The former Vice President of the United States had fun indeed. He so clearly won the amateur burp-kiss contest that the man in distant second, Dwayne K. Fruloggle, a six-time champ, plans to sue.

"The amateur burp-kiss contest is my one time of year to shine," Fruloggle complained. "I'm just a regular dude the rest of the year. But I was getting so good they were going to move me up to professional."

The Professional Burp-Kiss Contest is very similar to the amateur one, in that it is also an annual occurrence and also takes place at the Lancaster County Fair, but its participants are people who are so talented at burp-kissing that they are paid to do it throughout the year.

The Burp-Kiss is an ancient Amish Jester tradition. One eats a lot of sauerkraut, drinks barleyjuice and seltzer water, burps, saves the burp in the mouth, and then kisses as many people as possible while the vileness of the burp is still present. Dwayne K. Fruloggle's record was 14. Al Gore burp-kissed 53 people with much success and disgust.

"It might be my new thing," said Gore, smiling.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

US Invests in High-Speed Walking (HSW)

The Obama administration announced today that it will invest four million dollars in a High-Speed Walking initiative throughout the country.

"We keep hearing about this 'high speed rail' thing," the President said. "But I took a trip to Kansas the other day and it took me an hour to walk across the hotel lobby because everyone else was so slow and so fat. In New York--in Washington--in Boston--in Philadelphia--people achieve speeds of up to five miles per hour when they walk." The President pointed to a graph. "Look at this. Just look at this. In Mississippi, not one person has walked faster than a quarter mile per hour in thirty years!"

The HSW initiative has two parts: 1) awareness, which will consist mostly of billboards and television spots; and 2) infrastructure, which will consist of sidewalks that are paved with hot coals, as to encourage high speed walking.

Walking is one of the greenest forms of transportation. High-speed walking is especially efficient. Trained and specialized high-speed walkers often achieve speeds comparable to that of roller skaters.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Belarus Moves Capital to Pinsk

In an evening press conference on September 27th, citing security concerns and "a certain sense of boredom," Aleksandr Lukashenko, Dictator of Belarus, announced that he was permanently moving the country's capital to Pinsk.

The capital of Belarus, formerly the Byelorussian Soviet Socialist Republic, has been Minsk since 1919. Pinsk is further south in the country and it suffered more heavily from the Chernobyl disaster's fallout, radiating over the border from neighboring Ukraine.

"I've always enjoyed Pinsk and her people," stated Lukashenko. "I would like to spend more time there, so we're all moving. Sorry."

Aleksandr Lukashenko "follows the sober way of life; he denounces idlers, traitors, drunkards, those who do not keep their word. He tries to find time for going in for sport (tennis, skating, skiing, hockey, football), for reading sociological and classical literature. A.G. Lukashenko's ill-wishers try to describe him as a conservative and an enemy to innovations, whilst he does not accept any arm-chair decisions incompatible with real life. He is the only politician in Europe who perceives the truth as, above all else, a category of conscience, and he always demands from politicians that they should comply with moral categories in their decision taking."


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Catholics Add a Pope

At a press conference in Rome today, Pope Benedict XVI announced that God revealed to him during an intense morning prayer session that "one Pope is no longer enough."

"Apparently," said Benedict, in lightly accented Latin, "the rule is one Pope per every 6,000,000,000 people. The world's population is now closer to 6,697,254,041. So, we've got to have two Popes. I get it. It's a lot of work. I have been feeling tired."

"Why didn't we know about this before?" shouted a reporter from the audience, in Armenian.

"God's ways are beyond mysterious," smiled Benedict. "They are downright odd. He kinda likes to tell me things as they happen, instead of providing a proper warning."

The short list for Second Pope, as provided to Benedict by God, is as follows: Liam Neeson, Joe Biden, a currently anonymous priest from Halifax, and Justin Timberlake.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

McDonalds Fined for Serving Dog Feet Sandwiches

Via the Associated Press: Burger chain McDonalds (NYSE: MCD) has been fined five million dollars for serving, at three Texas locations, fourteen sandwiches that contained the severed feet of dogs. The dogs' feet were recognizable and still had fur. They were not cooked.

One woman, who preferred to remain anonymous, told the Associated Press that she actually bit into the dog foot in her sandwich. "I was really hungry," she said, "and I wanted to eat my burger as soon as I got it. So I tried, and there it was."

McDonalds commented "Mistakes happen sometimes. We're really sorry. It won't happen again."

The FBI is investigating the source of the dog feet and the reason behind what McDonalds believes is sabotage.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Silly Bandz Revealed to Be Vulcanized Squid Anuses

An FBI task force revealed today in a 55 page final report that Silly Bandz--a fad that has overtaken the United States, similar to slap bracelets in the early 1990s and rope anklets in the early 2000s--are not, as the company claimed earlier, rubber bracelets molded into pleasing shapes, but are instead sliced pieces of squids' anal sphincters. The shapes are designed by nature.

According to the final report, the squid anuses undergo a vulcanization process, similar but not identical to the one companies use when manufacturing rubber toys. Then, the squid anuses are dyed, packaged, and sold across the country.

Because of the success of Silly Bandz, several species of squid are now endangered. The FBI has taken Silly Bandz CEO Rodney Dangerfield into custody, and has advised all retailers to stop selling the items. The FBI does stress that Silly Bandz are perfectly safe, as there is nothing unsanitary about a processed squid anus.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

In Daring Move, Amtrak to Replace Wheels With Trillions of Ants

Passenger rail company Amtrak declared at a press conference this morning that they plan to forgo the traditional "wheels on rails" model of rail transit and instead move to the "ants on rails" method that has gained popularity in rural Yemen, urban Zimbabwe, and the entire nation of Italy.

The "ants on rails" method of rail transit involves no wheels whatsoever. Instead, legions of ants--usually carpenter ants--are glued, in long, rail-shaped phalanxes, to the underside of each rail car. The scent of sugar is sprayed on the tracks in the direction that the train needs to go, and the ants march. The ants know to stop when they have reached the sugar, which is placed at their destination. This method of rail travel averages about 1 mile per hour.

In a world of high-speed rail, the "ants on rails" method--often mocked as "low speed rail"--can seem silly and counterintuitive. However, the costs are so low, and the ride is so smooth and quiet, that many passengers find they prefer it.

"Wheels are expensive and loud, and frankly, totally industrial-stupid and not green," said an Amtrak spokesperson at the press conference.

The first route to be changed over to the new method is the Northeast Corridor. Commuters between Boston, New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. can look forward to train rides that last entire weeks.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Sting Achieves Prehensile Urethra

Singer Sting, formerly of The Police, confessed in an interview with Fox News this morning that, with exercise and practice, he has achieved the unthinkable: A prehensile urethra!

"It started two years ago when I broke both arms and both legs while skiing," Sting said, on the air. "And, lying in bed, I couldn't pick anything up except with my mouth, which was terribly inconvenient if I was talking. So I decided to work with my peehole. I started with needles and toothpicks and moved up to thumbtacks, and now I can make a nice needlepoint with just my urethra."

Sting's urologist, Dr. G. Stoler, applauded the singer's dedication. "I don't get to see many of these," he said, shaking his head. "I don't get to see many of these."

Sting plans to tour the world in 2011, singing and exhibiting urethral dexterity.


Friday, August 20, 2010

United Airlines Earns Ire With Plans to Build Airplane Hangar on Ground Zero

United Airlines earned the ire of the nation this morning when it unveiled, on the Today Show, a thorough and detailed plan to build a 60,000 square foot airplane hangar directly on Ground Zero.

"Especially considering there isn't even an airport very nearby, this is a pretty dick move," commented New York's Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. "How do they think they're going to get the airplanes out of storage and to the airport? The Brooklyn-Battery tunnel!? I just think that--"

"Actually, since they're planes, we plan to fly them," interrupted United's CEO, Faustine Leche Sorenson.

"On what runway!" shot back Bloomberg. "This city has enough to worry about as it is!"


Sixty separate New York City groups have gone on the record stating that they believe Ground Zero is an insensitive place to build an airplane hangar. Nationwide, Americans are boycotting airlines that store their airplanes in hangars. Ann Coulter is the lone celebrity defender of United's decision. "Ya'll are a bunch of whiners," she said on her blog, "Get over it. Airplanes don't kill people; people kill people."

Ground Zero is the place that used to house the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. The towers fell on September 11th, 2001, when two airplanes mistook them for airplane hangars.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Disinterred Corpse of Ronald Reagan Kills Two in Lower Manhattan

At 10:00am today, several masked, unknown perpetrators smuggled the disinterred corpse of Ronald Reagan into 1 World Trade Center--the most northerly of the Twin Towers--and up to the tower's roof before throwing him over the edge. The corpse landed atop a canoodling couple walking on Vesey street, killing them instantly.

Building CCTV recordings reveal the perpetrators to be three in number. They wore all black and monster masks. They also had dressed Mr. Reagan's corpse in all black, though his decomposed face looked enough like a monster mask that one was not required for him.

"We suspect that the perpetrators are prankster youths," read the NYPD's official statement. "We have no idea how they obtained the former president's disinterred corpse, or why they would drop it off the World Trade Center."

Police Chief Janet Reno observed, with a twinkle in her eye, "It takes a real sicko to do this."

The twin towers of the World Trade Center have been involved in several criminal incidents in the past.

Mr. Reagan's corpse shattered into many pieces as it hit its victims, and what bits could be collected have been cremated and scattered at sea.


Monday, August 16, 2010

David Lynch and Joss Whedon to Collaborate on Sex and the City Remake

David Lynch and Joss Whedon announced in an interview with SkyMall today that they are embarking on a long-awaited, must-see collaboration--a remake of Sex and the City! The pilot episode will be shown on HBO on September 10, 2011.

The remake, entitled "Sex and the Countryside" will be a faithful plotline-by-plotline, problem-by-problem, episode-by-episode remake of Sex and the City, but will be set in the 1620s English countryside, and every character will be played by a sheep, except God, who will be played by Steve Buscemi.

Since fashion played such a large role in the original series, SkyMall saw it fit to ask whether the sheep will wear clothes. Whedon laughed, and Lynch rolled his eyes and commented "Every role except that of God will be played ovinely. Fashion had a role; fashion too will be played ovinely."

"Ovinely means, played by a sheep," offered Whedon, helpfully.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Osama Bin Laden and Julia Roberts to Open Stride Rite Franchise Together

International terrorist ringleader Osama Bin Laden and horsemouthed actress Julia Roberts have both decided to turn over new leaves and go into business together in the management of a Stride Rite shoe store.

Bin Laden stated in a press release "I really admire the Stride Rite brand. The shoes are quite comfortable for all environments, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life working at this store."

Roberts added "I have sixteen pairs of the Purple Pinks. Soooo comfy."

Bin Laden and Roberts met long ago as teenagers at the University of Beijing, where Bin Laden majored in Hearing and Roberts majored in Listening. The two fields of study have quite a bit of overlap, and Roberts and Bin Laden often sat together in the back of lecture halls, cracking wise and discussing footwear. The friends lost touch as their careers diverged, but a chance meeting in a Pakistani hookah bar three months ago brought them back together--now, as business partners!

The Bin Laden/Roberts Stride Rite will be in the King of Prussia Mall, outside Philadelphia.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ethan Allen to Launch Airline

Furniture company Ethan Allen plans to launch an aviation side business as soon as January 2011. The company has been working with Boeing to build special "Comfort Deluxxxe Airliners" outfitted with Ethan Allen chairs, sofas, and tables. The new airline will be called "Ethan Allen Air" and its hub will be Tampa, Florida. It will offer routes between major and minor cities on the East Coast, and will also make one daily flight to Vancouver.

"We hope this business will really take off," commented CEO Enobong Kathy, "Not to use a pun or anything. We think people are really tired of sitting in bad furniture while they fly, and will pay a premium to sit in nice chairs. Also, since the skies are lawless, we serve cocaine and heroin on board." The price premium is reported to be quite high--early documents reveal that the proposed ticket price between Tampa and Washington, D.C. is $5,000.

Ethan Allen has been subject to several business failures over the past decade, from an ill-conceived joint effort with American Apparel, in which it offered a line of furniture made from recycled leotards, to an ill-conceived joint effort with Kentucky Fried Chicken, in which it offered a line of easy chairs that smelled like fried chicken.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

St. Lawrence Seaway Infested With Seahorses

As of Wednesday afternoon, the St. Lawrence Seaway--'Aquatic Gateway to Manifest Destiny'--is completely unnavigable due to an infestation of seahorses from the Atlantic Ocean. The seahorses have also infested Lake Ontario, Lake Erie, and Lake Huron. Because of the fresh water and the chemical sludge in the lakes and the seaway, the seahorses have grown sixteen times larger than normal and have become eighty-five times more fecund.

Lower Canada and the US Rust Belt are, according to the Associated Press, disconsolate. All industry is at a standstill. The water is reportedly "so thick with giant, omnivorous seahorses that fish and maritime mammals are washing up dead and half-eaten."

According to The Columbus Free Press young Ohio boy lost a portion of his leg while wading in Lake Erie.


Meryl Streep's New Favorite Hobby is Racism

Venerated actress Meryl Streep told TV Guide last week that her new favorite hobby is racism.

"I like to go to the mall and whisper racial slurs at everyone who walks by," she said. "It's really liberating."

Streep claims to also avoid any dining or retail establishment that serves people of all races. "Honestly, it's been hard to eat or buy anything, lately," she commented. "I imagine it would have been easier to have this hobby in the 1950s."

When asked why she has become a racist, Streep laughs. "I'm not racist. It's just a hobby. Not a lifestyle!"


Monday, August 9, 2010

Nick Cave Arrested for Eating Trees

Crooner Nick Cave was arrested late Sunday night for breaking into the Brooklyn Botanic Garden and devouring six full trees. Cave ate: Two live oaks, a maple, a yew, a birch, and an apple tree. The singer ate the entire trees--bark, leaves, roots, and all. He had just started munching on a sycamore when a Garden Ranger happened upon him and shot him with a tranquilizer gun.

"I thought he was a bear," said the Garden Ranger, who asked to remain anonymous. "We get a lot of bears around here in the August month."

Cave was hospitalized with a distended belly and a wood-perforated intestine. "I really don't know what came over me," he said in his trademark deep voice. It was raspy with bark remnants. "I don't even like vegetables much. I really am so sorry, you guys. Maybe it's the Ambien or something."

Cave says, if he recovers and does not die, he plans to record an album called "Tree-eater" and donate all the proceeds to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. The garden is suing him for the replacement of all six trees and also for the replacement of one tranquilizer dart. Cave is banned from the garden for the rest of his life.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

American Airlines to Require Babies to be Checked

American Airlines, subsidiary of the AMR corporation (NYSE: AMR), will start enforcing a controversial new policy on September 1, 2010. The new policy, called "Babies Off Board" requires that parents check infants under age 4 as articles of luggage.

"The luggage compartment of the plane will be pressurized and oxygenated, to ensure the cargo's survival," wrote the airline in a press release. "Similar to the area where cats and dogs travel, the baby section will be safe and comfortable."

Whereas it costs $15 to check a regular suitcase on American Airlines, it will cost $40 to check an infant, $50 to check a middle-aged baby, and $60 to check a toddler. Parents are also welcome and encouraged to check children between the ages of 4 and 10, but it will cost $90 to do so.

When asked whether adults were permitted to check themselves as baggage, to save money, the representative from American Airlines rolled her eyes. "No adult would ever want to be cooped up with all those babies." She flipped her teal-dyed hair. "And even if one did, we have a policy--no baggage without a passenger to claim it."

Child welfare groups are organizing boycotts of American Airlines. However, US Airways, United, Continental, Southwest, and Lufthansa are all reportedly soon to follow American's lead on this policy.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dick Cheney Confesses He is the Incarnation of Aztec God

Former US Vice President Dick Cheney confessed in an August 3rd interview with Time Magazine that he believes himself to be the incarnation of the Aztec deity Amimitl, god of lakes and fishermen.

Further, the former Vice President believes most, if not all, current Republican politicians are incarnations of various Aztec deities. He revealed a few. "Sarah Palin, that's easy," he commented. "She's totally Ayauhteotl--gotta love her! Goddess of mist, fog, vanity, and fame! I'd recognize that face anywhere. Also, I suspect Mitt Romney is Cinteotl, the main maize god."

When asked if any Democrats might be incarnations of Aztec deities, Cheney, who has taken to wearing dark eyeliner and a gold headdress, sniffed and turned up his nose. "Doubtful," he said. "If anything, Egyptian or Greek."


Friday, July 30, 2010

Jersey Shore to Replace Cast with Kittens

Popular reality television show "Jersey Shore" has replaced its entire cast with a six-week-old litter of five kittens. The kittens are calico, jellicle, tabby, orange tabby, and black. They are reputed to be adorable.

"Kittens really love the beach," said the show's lead producer, "And they cost less to upkeep, especially since we don't have to pay anyone to clean the litter box, since the set--" she gestured to the beach "--is, well, basically a giant litter box." The orange tabby relieved himself a few feet away.

"Also, viewers really seem to prefer kittens," she added.

The show's focus will still be on the ups and downs of life at the Jersey Shore. The cast will fight over pieces of sliced turkey, and they will frolic around in the Dionysian stupor of catnip highs.

Several other television shows are also looking into replacing their human casts with kittens. CSI:Miami, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Jeopardy! are all said to be next on line for this hot new trend.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Jelly Belly to Introduce Line of Semen-Flavored Jelly Beans

Candymaking company Jelly Belly revealed this morning that, in 2011, it will unveil an entirely new line of jelly beans. While jelly belly has always been at the forefront of unorthodox jelly bean flavoring--popcorn? margarita?--its new line promises to be the most controversial yet, as the candies will not be fruit-flavored, or even food-flavored at all. The candies will taste like different types of semen.

The line--called "Jizzy Beans"--will offer several different varieties of semenic taste. "Carnivore," "vegeterian," "only drinks water and eats vitamins," and "very ill" are all included.

"We want eating jelly beans to be a thoroughly rich and unique experience, like life," claimed a spokesman for Jelly Belly. "And like in life, you gotta take the good with the bad."

Jizzy Beans will be offered at Walgreens, CVS, Ricky's, Sephora, J. Crew, and Home Depot.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

BP Comes Clean: Oil Spill Actually Alien Pee

At a press conference in London this afternoon, British Petroleum executives admitted that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not, in fact, an oil spill, but had really been part of a massive, multi-national cover-up for something else. As gasps were heard around the world, the gentlemen pressed on to explain what had really happened: Aliens came to Earth.

According to BP, a shipful of aliens crash-landed in the Gulf of Mexico in April. The creatures, silicon-and-palladium-based saltwater-breathing lifeforms who resemble nothing so much as giant fish made entirely of variously-colored slime, pee almost constantly, and in great volumes. Mexico and Honduras both managed to communicate with the aliens, who had built advanced devices by which they could understand Spanish and other human language, but could only speak back by waving their tails in elaborate formations. Linguists quickly figured out the tail-waving, and the first thing the aliens did was apologize for the excessive peeing. They ruefully noted that the toilets aboard their crashed ship were entirely broken. They they also explained that they had escaped from their home planet because it had become entirely full of their pee, because all their toilets had broken, and the only plumber among them had committed suicide.

Since the pee looked very much like oil, Mexico and Honduras got the support of the UN, and the UN paid BP to take the fall, in the name of keeping pandemonium at bay. Meanwhile, scientists and plumbers banded together to construct new toilets for the aliens. These toilets had to 1) work underwater, 2) handle large quantities of viscous pee, and 3) have seats appropriate for slime-fish creatures. The challenge took from April to July, but once the toilets were complete, they were beautiful marvels of engineering ingenuity.

Now that the toilets are installed, the UN believes it is safe for the world to know that the aliens are here. The aliens plan on staying, since they have no way to leave. Serendipitously, on their home planet, they ate creatures that were very similar chemically to plastic bags. Less serendipitously, they also ate creatures that were very similar chemically to dogs. BP is working to discover if the alien pee is similar enough to oil that it can actually be used as such. The toilets, now, drain to the center of the earth.

"We are very sorry for lying," said the BP executives. "But I think as you see, we kind of had to."


Monday, July 26, 2010

Luke Perry Found Dead in Motel Room Full of Bullfrogs

Actor Luke Perry--most well-known for playing Dylan McKay on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 in the 1990s--was found dead in a Memphis motel room, late Sunday night, surrounded by hundreds of bullfrogs in hundreds of cages.

Perry is survived by his wife, Tilda Swinton, and his daughters, Dakota Fanning and JonBenet Ramses II. "Luke was really into raising bullfrogs," said Swinton, crying. "That's what he was in Memphis for: The annual bullfrog care convention. He went every year."

The cause of death was deemed to be an accidental oxycodone overdose. Perry had been prescribed the medication for severe foot pain caused by fallen arches.

Services will be held at the United Methodist Church in Calgary. Perry's family requests that no flowers or gifts be delivered and instead that donations be made to the Bullfrog Foundation or the Association For Helping Those With Fallen Arches.

"This is just fucked up and tragic," commented former 90210 castmate Gabrielle Carteris.

"He had it coming," said former 90210 castmate Jennie Garth. "Just kidding. He didn't."


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Boing Boing Blog to Return to Roots

Popular blog Boing Boing proclaimed this morning that it intends to return to its roots and only publish stories concerning things that bounce.

Boing Boing started in 1970 as an annually-published paper anthology that listed all things in the world that bounce. 1995 saw an upgrade in technology, as Boing Boing transformed into a website that cataloged all things in the world that bounce. By 2000, Boing Boing had become a "weblog" that updated several times a week on that very same topic. Eventually, the site broadened its scope and became the blog that it is today--In the past year, not even one post has concerned something that bounces.

"It's really time to return to our roots," editor Cory Doctorow said. "There are so many bouncing things in the world that have gone un-cataloged for years now, because we, as a publication, have chosen to ignore them in favor of other stories. Listing things that bounce is what Boing Boing always did best. We are going to go back to that."


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Renee Zellweger is Pregnant with Self

Lemon-faced actress Renee Zellweger admitted in interviews with both People Magazine and Vogue that she is, in fact, pregnant with herself.

In the interviews, Zellweger breathlessly claims to have accidentally traveled back in time to 1968, eight months and 29 days prior her birth, by driving her Volkswagen Jetta too fast on a stretch of I-10 in Los Angeles. When in 1968 and also in the Jetta, she also accidentally ran over and killed her own mother, who had been attempting to cross the street.

Zellweger, knowing that she had been the world's first test-tube baby, thought quickly. She rushed to the fertility clinic, where she impersonated her mother and managed to convince the doctor to implant the embryo in her own uterus. Then, sick and tired of the hardships of 1968, she drove the Jetta fast in reverse, and landed safely back in 2010--pregnant with herself!

"I feel so fulfilled," cooed Zellweger, stroking herself in fetus-form through her own belly. When asked about the paradox of her situation, she rolled her eyes and said "Whatever. I don't have time for those types of thinkings now. I'm about to be a mother."


Monday, July 19, 2010

Latvia to Use New Currency: The Booger

The Latvian Parliament voted early this morning to embark on an unusual path towards economic recovery from the impact of the great recession: To replace the current currency, the Latvian Lats (LVL) with the Latvian Booger (LBG).

While Latvia is a member of the European Union and had aimed to switch to the Euro by 2012 or 2013, the Parliament decided that it would make much more sense to eschew the Euro altogether, and when phasing out the Lats, phase in the Booger.

The first thing that is revolutionary about Latvia's move is that, unlike other countries who brought about new currencies by simply performing redenomination, ie, how the Polish New Zloty (PLN) was declared equivalent to 10,000 Polish Zloty (PLZ), Latvia has emphasized that there is no exchanging Lati for Boogers.

"This is not a redenomination," stated Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis. "This is a complete elimination. As of September 1, Lati will be worth zero, and each Booger will be worth 4 United States Dollars."

The second thing that is revolutionary about Latvia's move is that the currency will not be minted or printed on notes. Latvian Boogers are exactly what they sound like--Hardened nasal secretions from the Latvian populace.

"Everyone in Latvia has boogers," said Dombrovskis, shrugging, "because colds are so common. And our boogers are especially... you know, je ne sais quois. So we decided that they were worth something, and made them Boogers. Because we are worth something as a nation."

Today, the Lats is worth .000000000006% of what it was worth yesterday. The European Union's statement on the question of the Latvian Booger is forthcoming.


San Diego Zoo to House Humans

The San Diego Zoo is embarking on a controversial new program as of August 12th: It is going to welcome four humans to live in a habitat at the zoo.

The humans will live in the style of early cavepeople--in cavelike dwellings with plains-like flora, and without clothing. The habitat will be kept at a balmy 94 degrees Fahrenheit.

To avoid the awkward adjustment period that would be inevitable with adult humans, the humans selected to live at the zoo are currently babies. Two of the babies were left at firehouses in baskets, and the other two were purchased from a local family who already had ten children. Three of the babies are female and one is male. They have been affectionately nicknamed Madison, Kayla, Ashleigh, and Jayden. Zookeepers will provide baths, comfort and cuddling for the infants until they are old enough to do this for themselves. The zookeepers will never speak to the children, so they can develop their own new language. Food--in the form of nutrition pellets, vegetables, and raw beef--will be provided for the humans' entire lifetimes.

"This is a tremendous opportunity for us as an institution," said the Zoo President.


Friday, July 16, 2010

Life Found on Venus

A team of astronomers from the University of Oregon discovered evidence of life on the planet Venus earlier this week. With the use of a technologically advanced dynamic-immersion infrared-ultraviolet telescope, they found that what were previously believed to be volcanoes on the planet are actually the belching mouths of what scientists are preliminarily referring to as "fire-breathing mountain-giants."

The "fire-breathing mountain-giants" appear to be up to 3 miles in girth and 2 miles in height. they have mouths at the tops of their heads and tiny sets of eyes alongside their bodies. The life forms do not seem to have limbs, but are very slightly mobile. It is yet undetermined how they feed, reproduce, or expel waste.

"This is tremendous discovery," said the leader of the team of astronomers at a press conference Thursday night. "For the first time ever, we know that we are not alone in this universe."


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Lil' Wayne Loses Both Arms While Installing Windmill

Rapper Lil' Wayne was airlifted to New York's Bellevue hospital late this morning after a freak accident resulted in the severance of both his arms at the elbows.

"I am mad," He told reporters, after surgery to reattach his arms failed. "I am really, really, really mad."

Lil' Wayne had been installing windmills on Staten Island with the volunteer group "Wind, Not War." "Wind, Not War" builds windmill farms on parking lots of abandoned strip malls and then donates the proceeds from the energy to peace efforts. The windmill Lil' Wayne had been installing during his accident suffered a malfunctioning rotary motor.

When asked what his future plans will be, now that he has no arms, Lil' Wayne said "First, I'm suing. Then, maybe a talk show."


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

C.B. Fleet to Introduce New Masculine Hygiene Product

C.B. Fleet--maker of the Summer's Eve line of feminine hygiene products--has announced today that on Monday, July 19, it will introduce its new masculine hygiene product, called the "Dick Bidet." CVS, Rite Aid, Duane Reade, Walgreens, Walmart, Kmart, Best Buy, and Whole Foods will carry it. The Dick Bidet will be stocked not with the toiletries, but, at each store's discretion and preference, next to the beef jerky, the firearms, the porn, or the cigars.

Why a masculine hygiene product? Why now? "Girlfriends and wives are writing us letters," said a spokeswoman from C.B. Fleet, "saying that their boyfriends and husbands are sneaking squirts from their Summer's Eve, so they too can feel fresh and clean. We thought we'd make it easier for these gentlemen, and also for the women in their lives who are often left with confusingly empty bottles and gentlemen in denial."

The Dick Bidet is shaped like a trough with an indentation at one end. All along the body of the trough are small holes are fed by two tubes within the wall of the trough, in the style of a sprinkler and a hose. The tubes connect to a packet of Masculine Cleansing Fluid that the man squeezes to use. The fluid drains to a small hole that aligns with the man's urethra--so, if need be, he can also urinate while using the device. "it's a truly compassionate piece of equipment," commented the representative from C.B. Fleet. "Finally, we've given men what they need so they can feel fresh and confident."

The Dick Bidet--reusable!--will retail at $44.99, and each device comes with four Masculine Cleansing Fluid packs, which are also sold separately in refill packs of 25. A patented Ball Attachment, recommended for hairier gentlemen, is also available for $12.99.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Hugh Hefner to Eat a Motorcycle

Playboy founder, octogenarian, and happy bachelor Hugh Hefner announced yesterday that he plans to spend the rest of his life in pursuit of one goal: To completely devour his favorite motorcycle, a 1992 Harley-Davidson FXDB Daytona, painted bubblegum pink.

Hefner says he plans to take the bike apart piece-by-piece and swallow a little bit of it every day until he has eaten the entire contraption. "I acknowledge that this might take awhile," he commented, "But I wasn't planning on dying soon. Right, girls?" A clowder of bikini-clad pneumatic blondes in their early 20s giggled in assent.

"I love that bike," Hefner continued. "I love it so much. Riding it isn't enough. Riding it naked isn't enough. And so I thought about it... what would be enough? I think this is enough. I think this is enough."

Hefner is under the constant watch of his physician, who has expressed concern about the plan. Harley-Davidson has no comment on the matter.


Friday, July 9, 2010

State of Kansas Declares War Against City of Los Angeles

Early this morning, the state of Kansas sent sixteen WWII-era warplanes to fly over Los Angeles, California and drop tar and feathers all over the city. Los Angelenos awoke this morning to find their city oozing with tar and fluffy with goose-down feathers. According to witnesses, Sunset Boulevard looked like "shits and blizzards" had hit it.

The US Federal Government, while refusing to take sides, has declared a state of emergency in Los Angeles.

Kansas officials claim that Los Angeles "provoked" them with its "ridiculous movie business" and "dumb mountains" and "stupid beaches" and especially "fucking Vin Diesel." It emphasizes that its trouble is only with Los Angeles, not California as a whole. California agrees and has washed its hands of Los Angeles and any situation that may occur in the city. Los Angeles, for its part, prepared to launch twelve nuclear bombs on Kansas this afternoon.

"We're going to flatten Kansas completely," said Vin Diesel, who has taken leadership of the defense. "Oh wait... the good Lord already did. HAHAHA!"


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Tiglath-Pileser Named Most Important Historical Figure

Editors of Time Magazine, National Geographic, The Christian Science Monitor, and the Economist unanimously voted ancient Assyrian King Tiglath-Pileser III as the most important historical figure of all time. All four publications will feature Tiglath-Pileser on the covers of their September issues.

Tiglath-Pileser III was a prominent King of Assyria in the 8th Century B.C.E. He is credited with, among other heroics, synthesizing heroin, building all the ziggurats by hand, inventing fabric, playing the guitar very well, revolutionizing sexual intercourse, inventing the concept of rhyming, bringing healthy food to the masses, and having almost no body odor, which was especially notable for the times. Tiglath-Pileser III, who preferred to go by "Tiglat," was known among friends as "an all around stand-up guy," according to historical documents written in cuneiform.

Other historical figures in the running were: Emilio Aguinaldo, Filipino revolutionary and prolific knitter; several Russian hockey players with long names; the dentist; and Art K. Prager, an especially skilled custodian of a suburban Florida elementary school.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Elton John Discovered to be Illegitimate Child of Ayn Rand and Adolf Hitler

Singer Elton John, newly interested in his family history, was shocked to learn last month that he was adopted. Further research revealed last week that his birth mother was none other than writer/philosopher Ayn Rand.

John immediately reached out to several of Rand's still-living disciples, and finally learned, this morning, the tragic reason that Rand put him up for adoption: The man who fathered him was none other than Adolf Hitler, who also fathered the Holocaust.

"Most people didn't know about Ayn and Adolf," commented John. "Her friends all said that she was really secretive about the affair, and kind of ambivalent about a future with him. And that when she told him she was pregnant, he threw a tantrum and called her ugly."

When asked whether he is at peace with his new knowledge regarding his origins, Elton John smiled and shrugged. "My real family is the family that raised me. I'm not upset that my birth mother gave me up."

Swedish Doctors Engineer Torsoless Infant

A team of doctors in Sweden have successfully altered an embryo's genome to prevent it from developing a torso until the age of 4.

For ages, the torso has been the least loved portion of a human baby. Parents decry it as the heaviest, the least cute, and the fastest-growing--causing hapless fathers and mothers to need to buy shirt after shirt and onesie after onesie.

The team of doctors claims that until age 4, the child's vital organs will be located in its left leg. A temporary anal opening will be on the child's left heel, and a temporary urethral opening will be on the child's left little toe. Genitalia will also not develop until age 4, although the doctors assure the press that blood tests can reveal the sex of the child.

"We believe there is a great market for this," wrote the spokeswoman for the team of doctors. "No parent has ever said 'look at my new baby's lovely torso.' It's because torsos are not lovely at all."


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

New Jersey Man Suffers Urethral Grapes

An unnamed man in his mid-30s checked in to a Camden-area hospital early this morning with severe pain in his abdomen and groin. X-rays revealed four strange, spheroid objects in his ureter and his urethra, and doctors assumed they were abnormally smooth gall stones. The man surprised himself and the entire hospital when, after a great gasp, he peed four grapes.

"I don't even eat grapes," he was overheard saying, through his sobs. "I hate grapes." The hospital is holding him for further tests.


MOMA to be Knee Deep In Yogurt

The entirety of New York City's Museum of Modern Art will be knee-deep in yogurt for the full month of August. The installation, entitled "Uh Oh," was conceived as a joint project between Vincent Gallo and Bill Cosby.

"Guests will check their shoes at the door, and put on these," said a spokesman for MOMA, holding up what appeared to be a thigh-high polyurethane sock. "Then they can walk through the museum and look at the art while experiencing the installation."

The yogurt will be donated by Dannon and will be vanilla flavored and low fat. The museum's floors have been treated and sealed with special wax to avoid permanent damage from the moisture. The yogurt will not be switched out for fresh yogurt throughout the month. What if it spoils? "That's sort of the point," said Gallo. "Uh oh!" chimed in Cosby.


Monday, July 5, 2010

Bill Nye and Roseanne Barr to Split Amicably

Entertainers Bill Nye (The Science Guy) and Roseanne Barr are getting divorced after six years of marriage. The couple cites "differences that are probably reconcilable, but we just didn't feel like it" as the cause.

Nye and Barr met in 1988, when Barr's ex-husband, Tom Arnold, hired Nye as his personal science instructor. Nye lived in the then-couple's attic for several months before he and Barr fell in love.

Nye and Barr have 2 children, Simon Barr-Nye and Silvestarre Barr-Nye, ages eight and four, respectively.


Trader Joe's to Sell Maggots

Hip specialty grocery store Trader Joe's issued a press release late Saturday night, stating its intention to add maggots to its arsenal of offerings. According to the press release, customers have been requesting maggots for the past year. Upscale competitor Whole Foods has offered maggots for several months, and they have apparently sold well.

Trader Joe's will sell maggots in the following forms: Frozen, fresh, dried, pulverized (as a jam), minced (as a salsa), juiced (as a beverage, a la Clamato), and sugared (as dessert). While Whole Foods offers maggot beauty products such as shampoo, conditioner, face cream, toothpaste, body wash, nail polish, and feminine hygiene rinse, Trader Joe's wrote that at this time, the store will only offer maggot products that are edible.

"Maggots are an excellent source of protein," explained the press release, "and locavores in soil-poor but garbage-rich areas have been eating them and truly enjoying them. We thought we'd spread the cheer."


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Paraguay Earns US Ire by Naming July 4th "National Boner Day"

Landlocked South American country Paraguay earned the ire of US officials early this morning by announcing that July 4th would hereby be known as "National Boner Day," or, in Paraguay's official language, "Dia Nacional de Erección."

In Paraguay, National Boner Day will be celebrated by all men walking around naked and aroused. Prosthetic phalli made of wood, plastic, metal, bone[1], starched fabric, and corn cobs will be available for woman to purchase and wear, as well. At night, all Paraguayans are expected to partake in a silent, nation-wide musing on the meaning of the boner. After that, whether citizens use the boners in their conventional manner is "up to them," claims the Paraguayan government.

"Fine, have a boner day," commented US Vice President Joe Biden. "But do you have to do it on the American Independence Day? It just feels awfully stupid and disrespectful. Why not have a boner day on July 5th?"

Paraguay's reason for National Boner Day being on July 4th is numerological. 7+4=11, and 11 looks like two boners. Two boners are always better than one.

[1]. heh.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Shakespeare Discovered to Have Been a Pigeon

Scholars at Oxford University announced today that they have found incontrovertible evidence that William Shakespeare--the most highly esteemed bard of the English language--was actually not a man, but a pigeon.

For decades, Shakespeare's true identity has been a question. Some scholars postulated that he was really a woman, or that he was really Christopher Marlowe writing under a pen name. But the age-old mysteries of certain claw marks and pigeon droppings on the first drafts of "Macbeth," "The Tempest," "Titus Andronicus" and "Julius Caesar" provided integral clues as to the poet's avian nature.

At first, the researchers believed that Shakespeare had simply kept pet pigeons. But DNA analysis of the pigeon droppings revealed that all droppings came from the same bird, and that the ink Shakespeare used was actually dyed pigeon dung. Handwriting analysis further revealed that some of Shakespeare's letter formations could only have been written with dancing clawfeet.

Says Queen Elizabeth II of England, "This certainly explains a lot."


Sarah Palin to Found University

Ex-Governor of Alaska and national celebrity Sarah Palin announced late Thursday night that she hopes to spend the rest of her career setting up a university to teach "like-minded young men and women the ways of the world, and the ways of my success."

Palin hopes to someday locate her university inside Yucca Mountain; for now, while she awaits her permit, she has rented the 2nd floor of a building in an office park in the suburbs of Boise, Idaho.

"Sarah Palin University won't be one of those high-falutin' intellectual colleges," she said during a telephone interview. "For instance, our majors are actually useful. Here, you can major in: Having Babies, Patriotism Studies, Christian Living, Having a Beer Like a Regular Guy, Being A Success Like Me, Nature, Oil, and etc, stuff."

Tuition will be $68,000 a year. "Republicans work hard for their money, so they've got a lot of it, and will pay for educating," said Palin. "I'm just really happy to share my gifts."


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Worse Than Bedbugs: BedHabsburgs!

A new household parasite has arrived in Brooklyn, New York, and this one is pretty bad. BedHabsburgs are exactly like bedbugs in every way, except instead of being tiny insects, they are full grown members of the Habsburg dynasty. Just like their bug cousins, they bite, infect everything they touch, and are nearly impossible to banish.

The first case of bedHabsburgs came to light last week, when an anonymous 29-year-old woman from Maspeth avenue in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called New York's 311 line with a complaint.

"There are parasites in my bed," the transcript of the call reads. "But they aren't bugs. They seem to be people dressed in garb from the 1500s through the 1800s. Some of them appear to be feeble-minded, and NONE of them will leave!"

BedHabsburgs can range from the venerable and polite Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, to the retarded and incontinent Ferdinand I of Austria. All bedHabsburgs are full-size humans, some of them have deeply unattractive underbites, and part of what makes a bedHabsburg infestation unbearable is that they take up the entire bed. They also are known to moan for food, soil themselves and each other, and bicker in sundry European tongues.

The only cure for a bedHabsburg infestation is to destroy all belongings and move. Extermination does not work. BedHabsburgs are immortal, and, just like conventional Habsburgs, are very prolific in their reproductive behavior.


Chief Justice John Roberts Sick and Tired of Constant Musical Farting

John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, issued a scathing memorandum this morning that rebuked his fellow justices Antonin Scalia, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Stephen Breyer for their "constant, musical farting" that he deemed "distracting, crass, rude, obnoxious, unprofessional, and slightly out-of-tune."

Scalia, Ginsburg, and Breyer--all accomplished musicians--pooled their talent resources last month and formed an avant garde jazz trio in which the only instrument is the ass. Scalia farts tenor; Ginsburg and Breyer switch off baritone and bass. The justices have played several open mic nights in the Washington, DC metro area and have won a loyal, though small, base of fans. Chief Justice John Roberts does not count himself among them.

"It's cool whatever they want to do with their own time, off the bench," said the Chief Justice, shaking his head. "But when we're hearing arguments, and they start practicing... or jamming, or whatever... I just find it really rude. What have we become?"

An anonymous source close to the court claims that the Chief Justice is "hurt" and "deeply offended" that he was not asked to be in the band. It is rumored that he farts a terrific soprano.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Arnold Schwarzenegger Diagnosed with Ocular Dentata

Early this afternoon, Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) made a trip to the emergency room, where he was diagnosed with Ocular Dentata.

Ocular Dentata is a very rare condition in which the eyelids grow tiny teeth that gnash together when the patient blinks. In later stages, the eyes become "hungry," and the patient suffers cravings for objects to be consumed through the eyes. It is often thought that Eric Carmen, John DeNicola and Franke Previte--the singer and the writers of the song "Hungry Eyes," respectively--suffered from this condition, but there is no proof.

Ocular Dentata, though inconvenient, is treatable with steroid ointments and a great deal of patience and self-control.

Coincidentally, Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, suffered from a similar condition in her youth: Nasal Dentata. That ailment is far easier to treat (constant nose-picking does the trick), but like Ocular Dentata, it is highly contagious and often recurring.

Roger Ebert names "The Legend of Baggar Vance" the Best Film of All Time

Esteemed film critic Roger Ebert wrote today, in the Chicago Sun-Times, that the best film ever made was "The Legend of Baggar Vance," an early-2000s era Will Smith vehicle concerning a mystical golf caddy.

Wrote Ebert, "There's just something truly invigorating about watching this film--the cinematography, the dialogue, the pacing, the stellar performances: Everything is so totally spot-on. You feel like you're really there, living the moment."

According to Ebert, the second best film ever made was "Wall Street." "Tuck Everlasting" and "The Untouchables" tied at three.

Jonas Brothers Arrested For Gang Raping A Salad; Charges Dropped

The teen sensation siblings known as the Jonas Brothers dined on lunch this afternoon at Los Angeles neighborhood staple, Applebees. The three young men decided to split the California Shrimp Salad, and when their server brought it to the table, the brothers proceeded to pull off their pants and copulate with the salad.

"It was unreal," commented the server, a gentleman by the name of Sergio. "Like, I had no idea what was going on. Was it a joke? For reality TV or something. I turned around and ran away."

Other diners snapped pictures with their cell phones as the brothers Jonas continued to pillage the pile of greens and crustacean meat. Finally, three members of the LAPD entered the restaurant and handcuffed the brothers. Kevin Jonas began to cry, Nick Jonas claimed he was only watching, and Joe Jonas managed to violently kick the salad, which, spurned and crestfallen, tumbled to the floor.

At the police station, the brothers agreed to autograph everyone's tshirts in exchange for all charges being dropped. They promised to never order salad again.

Pomeranians Nearly Extinct

A Pomeranian blight has made its way around the world, from country to country and continent to continent, and now the breed is nearly extinct.

The blight began in March, deep in Tajikstan, where the breed is held in very high esteem and where some outlying rural tribes of people even worship the tiny dogs.

The illness starts with a cough, and then all the dog's fur falls off. The dog turns blue and shrivels to half its size, and then dies. The time between onset and death is approximately half an hour.

Other breeds of dog are not susceptible to the blight.

Horse Pee Found to Cure Depression

Psychiatrists and scientists at the University of California at Berkeley have discovered a cure for depression--horse pee! This remarkable cure was found by accident, as several of the test subjects in an unrelated depression medication study felt so sad, mild, and grey that they tried to inject passion back into their lives by disgusting themselves through drinking horse pee.

Miraculously, the horse pee did not disgust them: It cured them. The researchers quickly set up a double-blind study, and the horse pee had a 99% success rate at curing depression.

The horse pee, however, cannot be bottled and sold in pharmacies. It must come right from the source--the horse, of course. The ideal regimen is five liters of horse pee a day for the rest of one's life. "It doesn't really taste that bad," said one newly cheered depressio. "It's certainly better than creamed spinach, I'll tell you that much." He smiled and took a sip from the horse pee cleverly kept in his 45 ounce nalgene.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

New York City Subway to be Replaced with Eels

Mayor John Lindsay has come back from the dead. This morning, he invaded MTA headquarters with his trusty hunting rifle, and installed martial law. "These trains are stupid and expensive," he said, with a dismissive wave of the hand. "We're getting rid of them and replacing them with eels."


"Eels slither," he explained. "We'll get giant eels, put them in the tunnels, and they'll slither on through. Commuters can jump on their backs, hold on, and sooner than they can say "stand clear of the closing doors please," they'll be at work."

"We're all doomed," said a train operator. "This is the stupidest thing I've heard since the elimination of the 9 train."

Bus drivers are reportedly acting very smug. Even the risen corpse of John Lindsay cannot make eels slither on solid ground.

The eel initiative is set to begin on July 13th. The MTA is donating all of its old subway cars to Buffalo, a city that is replacing its housing stock with transportation vehicles.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Kardashian Sisters to Produce and Star in Broadway Rendition of "The Human Centipede"

Reality television stars Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian have alerted the press that they plan to bring their favorite film "The Human Centipede" to Broadway! The Kardashian sisters discovered the movie in May, and have watched it three times a day ever since.

"I just love it. It's so romantic," gushed Khloe.

"It's really a film about family," mused Kourtney.

"I'm khoreographing all the dance steps," said Kim.

The three sisters will, of khourse, play the centipede. When asked how a movie in which two of the main characters have their mouths sewn to other characters' anuses can be turned into a musical with singing, the Kardashians said, in unison, "Have you ever heard of a khazoo?"

The show will open at the Majestic Theater in December, just in time for Christmas. Justin Timberlake has volunteered to write the songs. Madonna has volunteered to attend. Usher has volunteered to usher.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Idaho No Longer A State

Residents of the parcel of land formerly known as Idaho voted last night, around a campfire, to formally dissolve as a governmental entity and go "back to the woods."

Washington, DC has yet to acknowledge this shift, but President Obama commented "Whatever."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Calvin Coolidge's Underpants Go for $1,964,000

A pair of President Calvin Coolidge's soiled undertrousers auctioned for $1,964,000 at Sotheby's yesterday afternoon. The underwear was discovered in the attic of the Antwerp home of President Coolidge's fifth cousin twice-removed, Peripher John Coolijj III.

The underpants are cotton in material, sturdy in construction, dainty in design, and quite soiled. They were immediately recognizable as belonging to the President because he was known to sign all of his personal belongings in thread, using a characteristic needlepoint style: The underwear was no exception.

The starting bid for the Coolidge undergarment was $1,000,100. The winner, who did not supply his name, is a hedge fund manager who lives in the Bronx.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Human Leg Harvesters Receive Life In Prison With No Parole

An international cartel of human leg harvesters was sentenced to life in prison without parole this morning by the Supreme Court of the United States. Justice Antonin Scalia delivered the sentence with his characteristic glower: "You are going to rot in prison."

The leg harvesting operation grew out of a high school male prostitution ring gone awry. The boys, headquartered in Dallas, Texas, sold themselves to housewives and househusbands all across the metropolitan area. In 2008, a rancher requested a pair of legs without a boy attached, and the ring provided. Soon, that rancher ran the whole operation and shipped legs all across the world.

The CIA followed the plot for years, infiltrating its ranks. The cartel shipped legs, packed tight in coolers,to Mexico, Canada, China, Papua New Guinea, Morocco, Italy, Turkey, Pakistan, and Thailand. Recipients used the legs as fetish objects, medicine, and talismans against evil.

The legs belonged to the original male prostitutes and their wrestling team friends.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Zimbabwe Invades Russia

Zimbabwe launched an attack on Russia this morning. The Zimbabwe Royal Navy sent 300 ships to invade Vladivostok. 200 of the ships were iron-clad warships, 50 were canoes, and 50 were nuclear submarines.

Russia issued a press release saying, in Russian, "We are at a loss as to why this is happening." Zimbabwe has yet to comment.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Cher Commits Suicide

Singer/Actress/Aging Ingenue Cher took her own life this morning, by eating a brillo pad soaked in arsenic.

Cher left a perfumed, handwritten note, stating only "I have become very bored: Screw U!" She was wearing a black leather sweatsuit and Gucci sunglasses.

According to her will, her considerable fortune will be buried at sea.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Third Street Bazaar Closed 6 Years Ago - Just Kidding

Six years ago, the venerable NYU-area New York City institution, the Third Street Bazaar, shut its doors and came back from the dead as an Ace Hardware. Third Street Bazaar sold generations of NYU students dorm room staples, such as multicolored hanging beads, rice lights, and fanciful plastic dishware. Its closure sent everyone running to Surprise Surprise, across town on Third Avenue.

Just kidding.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Empire State Building to be Gutted, Turned into World's Tallest Gay Bar

Marolda Properties has finalized plans to dramatically change this New York City landmark--in August 2010, construction will begin on the project, which involves gutting the entire building to make it one large atrium, and outfitting the room with several bars, dance floors, and strobe lights. "We believe there is an underservered market," commented the management company, "And right now, there are too many office buildings in the area and not nearly enough gay bars with very tall ceilings. We believe midtown is home to quite a few very tall gay men who often have to slouch just to take part in bar festivities with their friends."

In 1998, there were similar plans for the World Trade Center, but we all know how that ended.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Prince and Kelly Clarkson Marry

Prince and Kelly Clarkson have gotten married. The two met at a yoga retreat on Prince Edward Island in 2003, and began a slow and chaste courtship mostly centered on chess-by-mail and virtual flowers.

The wedding took place at City Hall in Toronto. Present were Prince, Kelly Clarkson, LaToya Jackson, Dennis Kucinich, and Dick Cheney. The couple will reside in New York City in the winter and Tuscon in the summer.