Monday, November 7, 2016

Nadsack Stuck to Pence's Leg Irrelevant in Decision to Leave Race

At a press conference today, Republican (now-ex)Vice Presidential Nominee Mike Pence vehemently insisted that his reason for dropping out of the race was not that he accidentally superglued his nadsack to his inner left thigh the previous evening, and certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he, as yet, had not been able to unglue it.

"It's irrelevant," Pence said, standing in an awkward, bent position, with his hand over his misshapen crotch bulge.

"Have you tried acetone?" Shouted a Washington Post reporter. "I did the same damn thing last year and acetone was a godsend."

"Please don't use the lord's name in vain," said Pence, adjusting himself and wincing. "And acetone didn't work in this case."

When pressed for the true reason he decided to step off the ticket, Pence shrugged. "You ever just have enough? I hate this shit. I feel like going to Burger King, playing bocce ball, singing in the rain, and making love to my wife." No one asked him how he planned to do these things with his nad sack stuck to his leg.

Democratic Presidential Nominee, Hillary Clinton, issued a statement wishing Pence a speedy recovery and a life outside of the political sector.

Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential Nominee, sighed and shook his head when asked for a statement. "Getting your nadsack stuck to your leg with nature's own goo is bad enough," he said, in a surprisingly presidential show of empathy for his fellow man. "But super glue? Yeeee-ikes! I wish him the best! And I found a new guy for the ticket!"

Trump's new running mate is the weeping pustule of a newly lanced boil on the rim of his very asshole. He was chosen over Melania's p-word.


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