The Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.
"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."
France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.
"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."