Thursday, January 19, 2012

Newt Gingrich Admits to Having Fellated a Pigeon

Thursday night, during the Republican Primary debate, Newt Gingrich shocked voters and his fellow candidates by admitting that in his youth, he had once performed fellatio on a pigeon.

"It was 1955," Gingrich said, waving his hand as though to dismiss his behavior. "Who didn't do something nutty? I was bored, and it was right there, and well, you know how boys are. This in no way has anything to do with my ability to function as President of the United States. In fact, I wager Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and both Roosevelts did the very same thing in their youth-times. It's not that abnormal. It's really not."

Gingrich's admission was in response to moderator Dan Quayle's question, "what is the worst thing you've ever done?"

Mitt Romney answered that he twice shat in his neighbor's mailbox--once in 1996, and once in 1998. "I'm really sorry," he said, shaking his head.

Rick Santorum sighed and admitted to having once fantasized about being gang-banged. "I was a young, wayward lad" he explained, "growing up in a godless country."

Ron Paul answered the question by removing his shirt.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Football Players Quit Football in Favor of New Sport

Early Friday, a newly-formed consortium of all professional football players, calling themselves "NFA" which stands for "no football anymore," announced that they were finished playing football and that they have invented a new sport that is much better. The group made a press release and purchased full-page advertisements in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, the Los Angeles Times, and Time Magazine.

"It's called Running On A Field," reads the copy. "It's much better than football. You still have two teams in two different outfits. You still have people watching the game and cheering. Only, there is no ball, and the rules are as thus: As soon as the game starts, everyone begins to run around. Everyone wears a pedometer. An hour later, the score is tallied, and the team with the most points wins. Here are how the score is tabulated:

1. Raw pedometer numbers (more miles = better. One point per 1/10th of a mile.)
2. Tricks. A triple-axl is five points. A cartwheel is 10 points. A back handspring is 12 points. Skipping or galloping across the entire field is 5 points. Hopping on one foot the entire game is worth 30 points.

We like this game much better than football, so we're playing it instead from now on. Sincerely, the NFA."