Monday, July 11, 2011

North Korea To Pay Off All US Student Loan Debt

The Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.

"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."

France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.

"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Britney Spears Has Surgery to Switch Face and Butt

Britney Spears was admitted to the UCLA Hospital Major Surgery Center early Sunday morning for an operation-- faciobuttoplasty--she claims she has been hoping to have for a long time.

"I've been saving money for this since I was a little girl," she told a Newsweek reporter, as she sat in the waiting room. "This is going to be a dream come true."

Ms. Spears, 34, is going to be the world's first person to undergo this new and controversial procedure. A team of plastic surgeons will first remove her entire face and store it in a sterile liquiviscuous hydrogen chamber while Ms. Spears is flipped over for her butt to receive the same treatment. Once her butt is removed and stored in the chamber, her face will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed carefully to the area where her butt used to be. Since butts are classically larger than faces, Ms. Spears' face will be lightly stretched to cover the correct amount of her body. Once the face is stiched to where the butt used to be, Ms. Spears will be flipped over again and her butt will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed to where her face used to be. The extra buttflesh will be used to create "cute little florettes" that Ms. Spears designed herself, to be sewn to her ears.

Once the outer, cosmetic part of the surgery is complete, a team of internists and surgeons will use lasers to reroute the workings of Ms. Spears body so she can still see from her newly-placed eyes, smell from her newly-placed nose, eat from her newly-placed mouth, and defecate from her newly-placed butt without any hardship.

Ms. Spears is expected to be released from the hospital by Tuesday, and her bandages are set to come off the following Friday.

"I feel great about this," she said, smiling. "Next time you see this smile, you know where it will be!"


Friday, July 8, 2011

Obama to Replace All Furniture in White House with IKEA 'Beddinge'

President Barack Obama announced today, first to the Senate and then to the media, that he plans to "throw away all that musty old furniture" that currently graces the White House and to purchase "a bunch of those beddinge things you can get at Ikea."

The beddinge is IKEA's best selling product, with over 900,000 sold per week in the United States alone. In the May 2011 Sofas! magazine, Kathie Lee Gifford weighed in on the product: "The beddinge is the best couch and the best bed. It's the best piece of furniture in my house. I can't imagine why anyone would not want one."

"They're really nice," the President said, realizing he needed to explain himself after his announcement was received with stunned silence. "Utilitarian. You can sit on them, lie on them, whatever. Eat on them, if you stack them. And we're gonna, because I just threw away the kitchen table. These things are useful in so many ways! They're a good symbol for our hard times. We all must make sacrifices. Plus, all this spending--it's my private money, you know--helps the American economy."

When reminded that IKEA is actually a Swedish company, the President waved his hand and countered, "shut up."