Scholars at Oxford University announced today that they have found incontrovertible evidence that William Shakespeare--the most highly esteemed bard of the English language--was actually not a man, but a pigeon.
For decades, Shakespeare's true identity has been a question. Some scholars postulated that he was really a woman, or that he was really Christopher Marlowe writing under a pen name. But the age-old mysteries of certain claw marks and pigeon droppings on the first drafts of "Macbeth," "The Tempest," "Titus Andronicus" and "Julius Caesar" provided integral clues as to the poet's avian nature.
At first, the researchers believed that Shakespeare had simply kept pet pigeons. But DNA analysis of the pigeon droppings revealed that all droppings came from the same bird, and that the ink Shakespeare used was actually dyed pigeon dung. Handwriting analysis further revealed that some of Shakespeare's letter formations could only have been written with dancing clawfeet.
Says Queen Elizabeth II of England, "This certainly explains a lot."