Wednesday, September 29, 2010

US Invests in High-Speed Walking (HSW)

The Obama administration announced today that it will invest four million dollars in a High-Speed Walking initiative throughout the country.

"We keep hearing about this 'high speed rail' thing," the President said. "But I took a trip to Kansas the other day and it took me an hour to walk across the hotel lobby because everyone else was so slow and so fat. In New York--in Washington--in Boston--in Philadelphia--people achieve speeds of up to five miles per hour when they walk." The President pointed to a graph. "Look at this. Just look at this. In Mississippi, not one person has walked faster than a quarter mile per hour in thirty years!"

The HSW initiative has two parts: 1) awareness, which will consist mostly of billboards and television spots; and 2) infrastructure, which will consist of sidewalks that are paved with hot coals, as to encourage high speed walking.

Walking is one of the greenest forms of transportation. High-speed walking is especially efficient. Trained and specialized high-speed walkers often achieve speeds comparable to that of roller skaters.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Belarus Moves Capital to Pinsk

In an evening press conference on September 27th, citing security concerns and "a certain sense of boredom," Aleksandr Lukashenko, Dictator of Belarus, announced that he was permanently moving the country's capital to Pinsk.

The capital of Belarus, formerly the Byelorussian Soviet Socialist Republic, has been Minsk since 1919. Pinsk is further south in the country and it suffered more heavily from the Chernobyl disaster's fallout, radiating over the border from neighboring Ukraine.

"I've always enjoyed Pinsk and her people," stated Lukashenko. "I would like to spend more time there, so we're all moving. Sorry."

Aleksandr Lukashenko "follows the sober way of life; he denounces idlers, traitors, drunkards, those who do not keep their word. He tries to find time for going in for sport (tennis, skating, skiing, hockey, football), for reading sociological and classical literature. A.G. Lukashenko's ill-wishers try to describe him as a conservative and an enemy to innovations, whilst he does not accept any arm-chair decisions incompatible with real life. He is the only politician in Europe who perceives the truth as, above all else, a category of conscience, and he always demands from politicians that they should comply with moral categories in their decision taking."


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Catholics Add a Pope

At a press conference in Rome today, Pope Benedict XVI announced that God revealed to him during an intense morning prayer session that "one Pope is no longer enough."

"Apparently," said Benedict, in lightly accented Latin, "the rule is one Pope per every 6,000,000,000 people. The world's population is now closer to 6,697,254,041. So, we've got to have two Popes. I get it. It's a lot of work. I have been feeling tired."

"Why didn't we know about this before?" shouted a reporter from the audience, in Armenian.

"God's ways are beyond mysterious," smiled Benedict. "They are downright odd. He kinda likes to tell me things as they happen, instead of providing a proper warning."

The short list for Second Pope, as provided to Benedict by God, is as follows: Liam Neeson, Joe Biden, a currently anonymous priest from Halifax, and Justin Timberlake.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

McDonalds Fined for Serving Dog Feet Sandwiches

Via the Associated Press: Burger chain McDonalds (NYSE: MCD) has been fined five million dollars for serving, at three Texas locations, fourteen sandwiches that contained the severed feet of dogs. The dogs' feet were recognizable and still had fur. They were not cooked.

One woman, who preferred to remain anonymous, told the Associated Press that she actually bit into the dog foot in her sandwich. "I was really hungry," she said, "and I wanted to eat my burger as soon as I got it. So I tried, and there it was."

McDonalds commented "Mistakes happen sometimes. We're really sorry. It won't happen again."

The FBI is investigating the source of the dog feet and the reason behind what McDonalds believes is sabotage.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Silly Bandz Revealed to Be Vulcanized Squid Anuses

An FBI task force revealed today in a 55 page final report that Silly Bandz--a fad that has overtaken the United States, similar to slap bracelets in the early 1990s and rope anklets in the early 2000s--are not, as the company claimed earlier, rubber bracelets molded into pleasing shapes, but are instead sliced pieces of squids' anal sphincters. The shapes are designed by nature.

According to the final report, the squid anuses undergo a vulcanization process, similar but not identical to the one companies use when manufacturing rubber toys. Then, the squid anuses are dyed, packaged, and sold across the country.

Because of the success of Silly Bandz, several species of squid are now endangered. The FBI has taken Silly Bandz CEO Rodney Dangerfield into custody, and has advised all retailers to stop selling the items. The FBI does stress that Silly Bandz are perfectly safe, as there is nothing unsanitary about a processed squid anus.