Saturday, September 24, 2011

Dillards and Food Emporium to Merge Businesses

Dan Quayle, the CEO of Dillards, announced at a spur-of-the-moment press conference Saturday afternoon that Dillards will merge with grocery empire Food Emporium in December, forming a new brand which will be called "EatShirts."

EatShirts will be a revolutionary new type of business--Dillards and Food Emporium aren't just going to have stores that sell both clothing and groceries. EatShirts will sell clothing that is, according to Quayle, "edible, delicious, and affordable."

"We're really excited about this new partnership," Quayle said, smiling and adjusting his tie, which he later confessed was composed of sugar and beet fibers. "Because who has money anymore to buy both clothes and dinner? The answer is: nobody does. Too many people have to choose between eating and fashion. Well, not anymore."

The first EatShirts will open in Spring Creek, Brooklyn, at the Gateway strip mall. Six more stores will open the following week, in the American cities of Sault St. Marie, Helena, Duluth, Portland, and the international cities of Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea, and Stonetown, Tanzania. "Market research has shown a huge demand in Stonetown," said Quayle, when questioned about his choice. "Listen, I'm the CEO for a reason." He licked his tie and pronounced it delicious.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Andrea Bocelli To Record Pornographic Spoken-Word Record

World-famous baritone Andrea Bocelli announced after a sold-out concert in Brooklyn's McGolrick Park this morning that he is in the process of finalizing "the most amazing record of [his] career." The crowd gave this news a standing ovation, and Mr. Bocelli hushed them, saying "let me tell you about it first, okay?"

The record, which will be released by Interscope in December, will be a 68-minute pornographic spoken-word album featuring titles such as "Fuck my Fucking Fuck-hole," "BallMouth," "A Dick a Day Dionysus," and "Twats, Cunts, and Gashes." Background music will consist of light oboe and cello sounds donated by the Cleveland City Orchestra.

"I'm really proud of this record," Bocelli said. "It's a new direction for me. A permanent one? Time will tell, as time always tells. But it feels great right now!"