Thursday, November 18, 2010

Conan O'Brien Arrested for Having Sex With a Dog at TGI Friday's

Conan O'Brien entered a Los Angeles TGI Friday's restaurant at 7pm yesterday, leading with him, on a leash, an unnamed female rottweiler. The restaurant hostess attempted to remove Mr. O'Brien from the premises due to the franchise's rigid "no dog" policy, but Mr. O'Brien pushed past her, sidled up to the bar, and stole a man's beer.

"He downed that thing in two seconds," said the befuddled Jason Duncan of Los Angeles, 24. "And then, it got really weird."

According to Mr. Duncan and other witnesses, Mr. O'Brien removed his pants, mounted the dog, and had sex with it, emitting "foul and loud whoops of glee." The dog was silent.

"I can't believe he'd do that to our establishment. We were always on Team Conan," said the manager of the restaurant, Lynne Fuhrtenhaur. "I'm sorry he got arrested, but really. It was a dumb thing to do."

Mr. O'Brien issued a statement of apology. It read, in its entirety, "Yeah, okay, sorry, whatever."


Monday, November 8, 2010

New Jersey Tidal Wave Claims Ten Thousand Lives

A tidal wave crashed into New Jersey this morning, killing ten thousand people, injuring twenty thousand more, and destroying entire neighborhoods of homes and businesses.

Witnesses claim the wave came "out of nowhere" and inundated the state with a violence that called to mind "Saw."

New Jersey Governor Tom Brokaw has declared a state of emergency. Atlantic City Mayor Janet Jackson has been reported missing. Camden and Newark do not have mayors. Trenton Mayor Frank Sinatra issued the following statement:

New Jersey is in tears today. God help us all.