A new household parasite has arrived in Brooklyn, New York, and this one is pretty bad. BedHabsburgs are exactly like bedbugs in every way, except instead of being tiny insects, they are full grown members of the Habsburg dynasty. Just like their bug cousins, they bite, infect everything they touch, and are nearly impossible to banish.
The first case of bedHabsburgs came to light last week, when an anonymous 29-year-old woman from Maspeth avenue in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called New York's 311 line with a complaint.
"There are parasites in my bed," the transcript of the call reads. "But they aren't bugs. They seem to be people dressed in garb from the 1500s through the 1800s. Some of them appear to be feeble-minded, and NONE of them will leave!"
BedHabsburgs can range from the venerable and polite Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, to the retarded and incontinent Ferdinand I of Austria. All bedHabsburgs are full-size humans, some of them have deeply unattractive underbites, and part of what makes a bedHabsburg infestation unbearable is that they take up the entire bed. They also are known to moan for food, soil themselves and each other, and bicker in sundry European tongues.
The only cure for a bedHabsburg infestation is to destroy all belongings and move. Extermination does not work. BedHabsburgs are immortal, and, just like conventional Habsburgs, are very prolific in their reproductive behavior.