Monday, April 4, 2011

Florida Governor Rick Scott Survived 6 Years on Diet of Rat Turds

Florida's Governor, Tea Partier Rick Scott, confessed in his recently-published autobiography "By, About, and 4 The Lord" that from the age of 30 to 36, he ate nothing but vitamins, water, and the turds of his pet rat, Wanda. The passage in the book reads:
And so it began--the fad diet. I was ninety pounds overweight, and my cholesterol was frightfully high. My doctor recommended diet changes, exercise, and medication, but the medication made me sleepy and I strongly dislike exercising. So I searched for alternative remedies, and found an ancient diet treatise written by a monk in the 1230s--of course, it was written in Latin, so I had it translated. It recommended that I eat nothing by "thy faeces of A Ratte" and health would be mine, so I did. I lost all the weight, and found, on top of that, holiness."

At age 36, a bout with gout convinced Scott to return to more conventional eating habits.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sonny Bono found to be the True Duke of Earl

Several genealogy and royal lineage experts came forward Sunday morning with alarming news: First, that the Duke of Earl is not a fiction, and second, that Sonny Bono, of all people, was the last living Duke of Earl.

"Earl is a small, lesser-known township about 60 kilometers from Manchester," commented one of the lineage experts, R. Calvin Kooligidaire. "Right now, only four people live there. But in the 1640s, it was a boom town, because it was home to a salt mine and an armory, not to mention a horse breeding field."

"And," interjected another expert, M. Maynard Fillmorsel, "every boom town had its own Duke, of course. Earl, being so small nowadays, hasn't really kept up on this--but a sizable population of Earl-dwellers migrated to the Americas and to Continental Europe in the 1700s and 1800s. Mr. Bono's maternal grandmother's line was one of them, and strangely, her line was also heir to the Dukedom of Earl. Mr. Sonny Bono was the last living Duke of Earl."

Cher wrote on her blog a long and moving entry about the extra respect she now felt for the deceased Bono. "Sonny was among my dearest friends, and I miss him every day, several times. I meditate, now, upon his photograph, and I think about what it means to be the last Duke of Earl."


Friday, April 1, 2011

New York Times to Charge for Online Access

This week, the New York Times began to charge users to access its online content.

Times readers will be able to access 20 articles a month for free. After they have accessed 20 articles, they must subscribe to get access to additional content. The paper offers three pricing plans that permit different levels of content access. The cheapest plan costs $15 per month and the most expensive plan costs $35 per month. Subscribers to the print edition of the paper will also have unlimited access to the online edition.