Tuesday, July 27, 2010

BP Comes Clean: Oil Spill Actually Alien Pee

At a press conference in London this afternoon, British Petroleum executives admitted that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not, in fact, an oil spill, but had really been part of a massive, multi-national cover-up for something else. As gasps were heard around the world, the gentlemen pressed on to explain what had really happened: Aliens came to Earth.

According to BP, a shipful of aliens crash-landed in the Gulf of Mexico in April. The creatures, silicon-and-palladium-based saltwater-breathing lifeforms who resemble nothing so much as giant fish made entirely of variously-colored slime, pee almost constantly, and in great volumes. Mexico and Honduras both managed to communicate with the aliens, who had built advanced devices by which they could understand Spanish and other human language, but could only speak back by waving their tails in elaborate formations. Linguists quickly figured out the tail-waving, and the first thing the aliens did was apologize for the excessive peeing. They ruefully noted that the toilets aboard their crashed ship were entirely broken. They they also explained that they had escaped from their home planet because it had become entirely full of their pee, because all their toilets had broken, and the only plumber among them had committed suicide.

Since the pee looked very much like oil, Mexico and Honduras got the support of the UN, and the UN paid BP to take the fall, in the name of keeping pandemonium at bay. Meanwhile, scientists and plumbers banded together to construct new toilets for the aliens. These toilets had to 1) work underwater, 2) handle large quantities of viscous pee, and 3) have seats appropriate for slime-fish creatures. The challenge took from April to July, but once the toilets were complete, they were beautiful marvels of engineering ingenuity.

Now that the toilets are installed, the UN believes it is safe for the world to know that the aliens are here. The aliens plan on staying, since they have no way to leave. Serendipitously, on their home planet, they ate creatures that were very similar chemically to plastic bags. Less serendipitously, they also ate creatures that were very similar chemically to dogs. BP is working to discover if the alien pee is similar enough to oil that it can actually be used as such. The toilets, now, drain to the center of the earth.

"We are very sorry for lying," said the BP executives. "But I think as you see, we kind of had to."


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