Friday, July 30, 2010

Jersey Shore to Replace Cast with Kittens

Popular reality television show "Jersey Shore" has replaced its entire cast with a six-week-old litter of five kittens. The kittens are calico, jellicle, tabby, orange tabby, and black. They are reputed to be adorable.

"Kittens really love the beach," said the show's lead producer, "And they cost less to upkeep, especially since we don't have to pay anyone to clean the litter box, since the set--" she gestured to the beach "--is, well, basically a giant litter box." The orange tabby relieved himself a few feet away.

"Also, viewers really seem to prefer kittens," she added.

The show's focus will still be on the ups and downs of life at the Jersey Shore. The cast will fight over pieces of sliced turkey, and they will frolic around in the Dionysian stupor of catnip highs.

Several other television shows are also looking into replacing their human casts with kittens. CSI:Miami, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Jeopardy! are all said to be next on line for this hot new trend.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Jelly Belly to Introduce Line of Semen-Flavored Jelly Beans

Candymaking company Jelly Belly revealed this morning that, in 2011, it will unveil an entirely new line of jelly beans. While jelly belly has always been at the forefront of unorthodox jelly bean flavoring--popcorn? margarita?--its new line promises to be the most controversial yet, as the candies will not be fruit-flavored, or even food-flavored at all. The candies will taste like different types of semen.

The line--called "Jizzy Beans"--will offer several different varieties of semenic taste. "Carnivore," "vegeterian," "only drinks water and eats vitamins," and "very ill" are all included.

"We want eating jelly beans to be a thoroughly rich and unique experience, like life," claimed a spokesman for Jelly Belly. "And like in life, you gotta take the good with the bad."

Jizzy Beans will be offered at Walgreens, CVS, Ricky's, Sephora, J. Crew, and Home Depot.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

BP Comes Clean: Oil Spill Actually Alien Pee

At a press conference in London this afternoon, British Petroleum executives admitted that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not, in fact, an oil spill, but had really been part of a massive, multi-national cover-up for something else. As gasps were heard around the world, the gentlemen pressed on to explain what had really happened: Aliens came to Earth.

According to BP, a shipful of aliens crash-landed in the Gulf of Mexico in April. The creatures, silicon-and-palladium-based saltwater-breathing lifeforms who resemble nothing so much as giant fish made entirely of variously-colored slime, pee almost constantly, and in great volumes. Mexico and Honduras both managed to communicate with the aliens, who had built advanced devices by which they could understand Spanish and other human language, but could only speak back by waving their tails in elaborate formations. Linguists quickly figured out the tail-waving, and the first thing the aliens did was apologize for the excessive peeing. They ruefully noted that the toilets aboard their crashed ship were entirely broken. They they also explained that they had escaped from their home planet because it had become entirely full of their pee, because all their toilets had broken, and the only plumber among them had committed suicide.

Since the pee looked very much like oil, Mexico and Honduras got the support of the UN, and the UN paid BP to take the fall, in the name of keeping pandemonium at bay. Meanwhile, scientists and plumbers banded together to construct new toilets for the aliens. These toilets had to 1) work underwater, 2) handle large quantities of viscous pee, and 3) have seats appropriate for slime-fish creatures. The challenge took from April to July, but once the toilets were complete, they were beautiful marvels of engineering ingenuity.

Now that the toilets are installed, the UN believes it is safe for the world to know that the aliens are here. The aliens plan on staying, since they have no way to leave. Serendipitously, on their home planet, they ate creatures that were very similar chemically to plastic bags. Less serendipitously, they also ate creatures that were very similar chemically to dogs. BP is working to discover if the alien pee is similar enough to oil that it can actually be used as such. The toilets, now, drain to the center of the earth.

"We are very sorry for lying," said the BP executives. "But I think as you see, we kind of had to."


Monday, July 26, 2010

Luke Perry Found Dead in Motel Room Full of Bullfrogs

Actor Luke Perry--most well-known for playing Dylan McKay on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 in the 1990s--was found dead in a Memphis motel room, late Sunday night, surrounded by hundreds of bullfrogs in hundreds of cages.

Perry is survived by his wife, Tilda Swinton, and his daughters, Dakota Fanning and JonBenet Ramses II. "Luke was really into raising bullfrogs," said Swinton, crying. "That's what he was in Memphis for: The annual bullfrog care convention. He went every year."

The cause of death was deemed to be an accidental oxycodone overdose. Perry had been prescribed the medication for severe foot pain caused by fallen arches.

Services will be held at the United Methodist Church in Calgary. Perry's family requests that no flowers or gifts be delivered and instead that donations be made to the Bullfrog Foundation or the Association For Helping Those With Fallen Arches.

"This is just fucked up and tragic," commented former 90210 castmate Gabrielle Carteris.

"He had it coming," said former 90210 castmate Jennie Garth. "Just kidding. He didn't."


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Boing Boing Blog to Return to Roots

Popular blog Boing Boing proclaimed this morning that it intends to return to its roots and only publish stories concerning things that bounce.

Boing Boing started in 1970 as an annually-published paper anthology that listed all things in the world that bounce. 1995 saw an upgrade in technology, as Boing Boing transformed into a website that cataloged all things in the world that bounce. By 2000, Boing Boing had become a "weblog" that updated several times a week on that very same topic. Eventually, the site broadened its scope and became the blog that it is today--In the past year, not even one post has concerned something that bounces.

"It's really time to return to our roots," editor Cory Doctorow said. "There are so many bouncing things in the world that have gone un-cataloged for years now, because we, as a publication, have chosen to ignore them in favor of other stories. Listing things that bounce is what Boing Boing always did best. We are going to go back to that."


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Renee Zellweger is Pregnant with Self

Lemon-faced actress Renee Zellweger admitted in interviews with both People Magazine and Vogue that she is, in fact, pregnant with herself.

In the interviews, Zellweger breathlessly claims to have accidentally traveled back in time to 1968, eight months and 29 days prior her birth, by driving her Volkswagen Jetta too fast on a stretch of I-10 in Los Angeles. When in 1968 and also in the Jetta, she also accidentally ran over and killed her own mother, who had been attempting to cross the street.

Zellweger, knowing that she had been the world's first test-tube baby, thought quickly. She rushed to the fertility clinic, where she impersonated her mother and managed to convince the doctor to implant the embryo in her own uterus. Then, sick and tired of the hardships of 1968, she drove the Jetta fast in reverse, and landed safely back in 2010--pregnant with herself!

"I feel so fulfilled," cooed Zellweger, stroking herself in fetus-form through her own belly. When asked about the paradox of her situation, she rolled her eyes and said "Whatever. I don't have time for those types of thinkings now. I'm about to be a mother."


Monday, July 19, 2010

Latvia to Use New Currency: The Booger

The Latvian Parliament voted early this morning to embark on an unusual path towards economic recovery from the impact of the great recession: To replace the current currency, the Latvian Lats (LVL) with the Latvian Booger (LBG).

While Latvia is a member of the European Union and had aimed to switch to the Euro by 2012 or 2013, the Parliament decided that it would make much more sense to eschew the Euro altogether, and when phasing out the Lats, phase in the Booger.

The first thing that is revolutionary about Latvia's move is that, unlike other countries who brought about new currencies by simply performing redenomination, ie, how the Polish New Zloty (PLN) was declared equivalent to 10,000 Polish Zloty (PLZ), Latvia has emphasized that there is no exchanging Lati for Boogers.

"This is not a redenomination," stated Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis. "This is a complete elimination. As of September 1, Lati will be worth zero, and each Booger will be worth 4 United States Dollars."

The second thing that is revolutionary about Latvia's move is that the currency will not be minted or printed on notes. Latvian Boogers are exactly what they sound like--Hardened nasal secretions from the Latvian populace.

"Everyone in Latvia has boogers," said Dombrovskis, shrugging, "because colds are so common. And our boogers are especially... you know, je ne sais quois. So we decided that they were worth something, and made them Boogers. Because we are worth something as a nation."

Today, the Lats is worth .000000000006% of what it was worth yesterday. The European Union's statement on the question of the Latvian Booger is forthcoming.


San Diego Zoo to House Humans

The San Diego Zoo is embarking on a controversial new program as of August 12th: It is going to welcome four humans to live in a habitat at the zoo.

The humans will live in the style of early cavepeople--in cavelike dwellings with plains-like flora, and without clothing. The habitat will be kept at a balmy 94 degrees Fahrenheit.

To avoid the awkward adjustment period that would be inevitable with adult humans, the humans selected to live at the zoo are currently babies. Two of the babies were left at firehouses in baskets, and the other two were purchased from a local family who already had ten children. Three of the babies are female and one is male. They have been affectionately nicknamed Madison, Kayla, Ashleigh, and Jayden. Zookeepers will provide baths, comfort and cuddling for the infants until they are old enough to do this for themselves. The zookeepers will never speak to the children, so they can develop their own new language. Food--in the form of nutrition pellets, vegetables, and raw beef--will be provided for the humans' entire lifetimes.

"This is a tremendous opportunity for us as an institution," said the Zoo President.


Friday, July 16, 2010

Life Found on Venus

A team of astronomers from the University of Oregon discovered evidence of life on the planet Venus earlier this week. With the use of a technologically advanced dynamic-immersion infrared-ultraviolet telescope, they found that what were previously believed to be volcanoes on the planet are actually the belching mouths of what scientists are preliminarily referring to as "fire-breathing mountain-giants."

The "fire-breathing mountain-giants" appear to be up to 3 miles in girth and 2 miles in height. they have mouths at the tops of their heads and tiny sets of eyes alongside their bodies. The life forms do not seem to have limbs, but are very slightly mobile. It is yet undetermined how they feed, reproduce, or expel waste.

"This is tremendous discovery," said the leader of the team of astronomers at a press conference Thursday night. "For the first time ever, we know that we are not alone in this universe."


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Lil' Wayne Loses Both Arms While Installing Windmill

Rapper Lil' Wayne was airlifted to New York's Bellevue hospital late this morning after a freak accident resulted in the severance of both his arms at the elbows.

"I am mad," He told reporters, after surgery to reattach his arms failed. "I am really, really, really mad."

Lil' Wayne had been installing windmills on Staten Island with the volunteer group "Wind, Not War." "Wind, Not War" builds windmill farms on parking lots of abandoned strip malls and then donates the proceeds from the energy to peace efforts. The windmill Lil' Wayne had been installing during his accident suffered a malfunctioning rotary motor.

When asked what his future plans will be, now that he has no arms, Lil' Wayne said "First, I'm suing. Then, maybe a talk show."


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

C.B. Fleet to Introduce New Masculine Hygiene Product

C.B. Fleet--maker of the Summer's Eve line of feminine hygiene products--has announced today that on Monday, July 19, it will introduce its new masculine hygiene product, called the "Dick Bidet." CVS, Rite Aid, Duane Reade, Walgreens, Walmart, Kmart, Best Buy, and Whole Foods will carry it. The Dick Bidet will be stocked not with the toiletries, but, at each store's discretion and preference, next to the beef jerky, the firearms, the porn, or the cigars.

Why a masculine hygiene product? Why now? "Girlfriends and wives are writing us letters," said a spokeswoman from C.B. Fleet, "saying that their boyfriends and husbands are sneaking squirts from their Summer's Eve, so they too can feel fresh and clean. We thought we'd make it easier for these gentlemen, and also for the women in their lives who are often left with confusingly empty bottles and gentlemen in denial."

The Dick Bidet is shaped like a trough with an indentation at one end. All along the body of the trough are small holes are fed by two tubes within the wall of the trough, in the style of a sprinkler and a hose. The tubes connect to a packet of Masculine Cleansing Fluid that the man squeezes to use. The fluid drains to a small hole that aligns with the man's urethra--so, if need be, he can also urinate while using the device. "it's a truly compassionate piece of equipment," commented the representative from C.B. Fleet. "Finally, we've given men what they need so they can feel fresh and confident."

The Dick Bidet--reusable!--will retail at $44.99, and each device comes with four Masculine Cleansing Fluid packs, which are also sold separately in refill packs of 25. A patented Ball Attachment, recommended for hairier gentlemen, is also available for $12.99.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Hugh Hefner to Eat a Motorcycle

Playboy founder, octogenarian, and happy bachelor Hugh Hefner announced yesterday that he plans to spend the rest of his life in pursuit of one goal: To completely devour his favorite motorcycle, a 1992 Harley-Davidson FXDB Daytona, painted bubblegum pink.

Hefner says he plans to take the bike apart piece-by-piece and swallow a little bit of it every day until he has eaten the entire contraption. "I acknowledge that this might take awhile," he commented, "But I wasn't planning on dying soon. Right, girls?" A clowder of bikini-clad pneumatic blondes in their early 20s giggled in assent.

"I love that bike," Hefner continued. "I love it so much. Riding it isn't enough. Riding it naked isn't enough. And so I thought about it... what would be enough? I think this is enough. I think this is enough."

Hefner is under the constant watch of his physician, who has expressed concern about the plan. Harley-Davidson has no comment on the matter.


Friday, July 9, 2010

State of Kansas Declares War Against City of Los Angeles

Early this morning, the state of Kansas sent sixteen WWII-era warplanes to fly over Los Angeles, California and drop tar and feathers all over the city. Los Angelenos awoke this morning to find their city oozing with tar and fluffy with goose-down feathers. According to witnesses, Sunset Boulevard looked like "shits and blizzards" had hit it.

The US Federal Government, while refusing to take sides, has declared a state of emergency in Los Angeles.

Kansas officials claim that Los Angeles "provoked" them with its "ridiculous movie business" and "dumb mountains" and "stupid beaches" and especially "fucking Vin Diesel." It emphasizes that its trouble is only with Los Angeles, not California as a whole. California agrees and has washed its hands of Los Angeles and any situation that may occur in the city. Los Angeles, for its part, prepared to launch twelve nuclear bombs on Kansas this afternoon.

"We're going to flatten Kansas completely," said Vin Diesel, who has taken leadership of the defense. "Oh wait... the good Lord already did. HAHAHA!"


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Tiglath-Pileser Named Most Important Historical Figure

Editors of Time Magazine, National Geographic, The Christian Science Monitor, and the Economist unanimously voted ancient Assyrian King Tiglath-Pileser III as the most important historical figure of all time. All four publications will feature Tiglath-Pileser on the covers of their September issues.

Tiglath-Pileser III was a prominent King of Assyria in the 8th Century B.C.E. He is credited with, among other heroics, synthesizing heroin, building all the ziggurats by hand, inventing fabric, playing the guitar very well, revolutionizing sexual intercourse, inventing the concept of rhyming, bringing healthy food to the masses, and having almost no body odor, which was especially notable for the times. Tiglath-Pileser III, who preferred to go by "Tiglat," was known among friends as "an all around stand-up guy," according to historical documents written in cuneiform.

Other historical figures in the running were: Emilio Aguinaldo, Filipino revolutionary and prolific knitter; several Russian hockey players with long names; the dentist; and Art K. Prager, an especially skilled custodian of a suburban Florida elementary school.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Elton John Discovered to be Illegitimate Child of Ayn Rand and Adolf Hitler

Singer Elton John, newly interested in his family history, was shocked to learn last month that he was adopted. Further research revealed last week that his birth mother was none other than writer/philosopher Ayn Rand.

John immediately reached out to several of Rand's still-living disciples, and finally learned, this morning, the tragic reason that Rand put him up for adoption: The man who fathered him was none other than Adolf Hitler, who also fathered the Holocaust.

"Most people didn't know about Ayn and Adolf," commented John. "Her friends all said that she was really secretive about the affair, and kind of ambivalent about a future with him. And that when she told him she was pregnant, he threw a tantrum and called her ugly."

When asked whether he is at peace with his new knowledge regarding his origins, Elton John smiled and shrugged. "My real family is the family that raised me. I'm not upset that my birth mother gave me up."

Swedish Doctors Engineer Torsoless Infant

A team of doctors in Sweden have successfully altered an embryo's genome to prevent it from developing a torso until the age of 4.

For ages, the torso has been the least loved portion of a human baby. Parents decry it as the heaviest, the least cute, and the fastest-growing--causing hapless fathers and mothers to need to buy shirt after shirt and onesie after onesie.

The team of doctors claims that until age 4, the child's vital organs will be located in its left leg. A temporary anal opening will be on the child's left heel, and a temporary urethral opening will be on the child's left little toe. Genitalia will also not develop until age 4, although the doctors assure the press that blood tests can reveal the sex of the child.

"We believe there is a great market for this," wrote the spokeswoman for the team of doctors. "No parent has ever said 'look at my new baby's lovely torso.' It's because torsos are not lovely at all."


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

New Jersey Man Suffers Urethral Grapes

An unnamed man in his mid-30s checked in to a Camden-area hospital early this morning with severe pain in his abdomen and groin. X-rays revealed four strange, spheroid objects in his ureter and his urethra, and doctors assumed they were abnormally smooth gall stones. The man surprised himself and the entire hospital when, after a great gasp, he peed four grapes.

"I don't even eat grapes," he was overheard saying, through his sobs. "I hate grapes." The hospital is holding him for further tests.


MOMA to be Knee Deep In Yogurt

The entirety of New York City's Museum of Modern Art will be knee-deep in yogurt for the full month of August. The installation, entitled "Uh Oh," was conceived as a joint project between Vincent Gallo and Bill Cosby.

"Guests will check their shoes at the door, and put on these," said a spokesman for MOMA, holding up what appeared to be a thigh-high polyurethane sock. "Then they can walk through the museum and look at the art while experiencing the installation."

The yogurt will be donated by Dannon and will be vanilla flavored and low fat. The museum's floors have been treated and sealed with special wax to avoid permanent damage from the moisture. The yogurt will not be switched out for fresh yogurt throughout the month. What if it spoils? "That's sort of the point," said Gallo. "Uh oh!" chimed in Cosby.


Monday, July 5, 2010

Bill Nye and Roseanne Barr to Split Amicably

Entertainers Bill Nye (The Science Guy) and Roseanne Barr are getting divorced after six years of marriage. The couple cites "differences that are probably reconcilable, but we just didn't feel like it" as the cause.

Nye and Barr met in 1988, when Barr's ex-husband, Tom Arnold, hired Nye as his personal science instructor. Nye lived in the then-couple's attic for several months before he and Barr fell in love.

Nye and Barr have 2 children, Simon Barr-Nye and Silvestarre Barr-Nye, ages eight and four, respectively.


Trader Joe's to Sell Maggots

Hip specialty grocery store Trader Joe's issued a press release late Saturday night, stating its intention to add maggots to its arsenal of offerings. According to the press release, customers have been requesting maggots for the past year. Upscale competitor Whole Foods has offered maggots for several months, and they have apparently sold well.

Trader Joe's will sell maggots in the following forms: Frozen, fresh, dried, pulverized (as a jam), minced (as a salsa), juiced (as a beverage, a la Clamato), and sugared (as dessert). While Whole Foods offers maggot beauty products such as shampoo, conditioner, face cream, toothpaste, body wash, nail polish, and feminine hygiene rinse, Trader Joe's wrote that at this time, the store will only offer maggot products that are edible.

"Maggots are an excellent source of protein," explained the press release, "and locavores in soil-poor but garbage-rich areas have been eating them and truly enjoying them. We thought we'd spread the cheer."


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Paraguay Earns US Ire by Naming July 4th "National Boner Day"

Landlocked South American country Paraguay earned the ire of US officials early this morning by announcing that July 4th would hereby be known as "National Boner Day," or, in Paraguay's official language, "Dia Nacional de Erección."

In Paraguay, National Boner Day will be celebrated by all men walking around naked and aroused. Prosthetic phalli made of wood, plastic, metal, bone[1], starched fabric, and corn cobs will be available for woman to purchase and wear, as well. At night, all Paraguayans are expected to partake in a silent, nation-wide musing on the meaning of the boner. After that, whether citizens use the boners in their conventional manner is "up to them," claims the Paraguayan government.

"Fine, have a boner day," commented US Vice President Joe Biden. "But do you have to do it on the American Independence Day? It just feels awfully stupid and disrespectful. Why not have a boner day on July 5th?"

Paraguay's reason for National Boner Day being on July 4th is numerological. 7+4=11, and 11 looks like two boners. Two boners are always better than one.

[1]. heh.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Shakespeare Discovered to Have Been a Pigeon

Scholars at Oxford University announced today that they have found incontrovertible evidence that William Shakespeare--the most highly esteemed bard of the English language--was actually not a man, but a pigeon.

For decades, Shakespeare's true identity has been a question. Some scholars postulated that he was really a woman, or that he was really Christopher Marlowe writing under a pen name. But the age-old mysteries of certain claw marks and pigeon droppings on the first drafts of "Macbeth," "The Tempest," "Titus Andronicus" and "Julius Caesar" provided integral clues as to the poet's avian nature.

At first, the researchers believed that Shakespeare had simply kept pet pigeons. But DNA analysis of the pigeon droppings revealed that all droppings came from the same bird, and that the ink Shakespeare used was actually dyed pigeon dung. Handwriting analysis further revealed that some of Shakespeare's letter formations could only have been written with dancing clawfeet.

Says Queen Elizabeth II of England, "This certainly explains a lot."


Sarah Palin to Found University

Ex-Governor of Alaska and national celebrity Sarah Palin announced late Thursday night that she hopes to spend the rest of her career setting up a university to teach "like-minded young men and women the ways of the world, and the ways of my success."

Palin hopes to someday locate her university inside Yucca Mountain; for now, while she awaits her permit, she has rented the 2nd floor of a building in an office park in the suburbs of Boise, Idaho.

"Sarah Palin University won't be one of those high-falutin' intellectual colleges," she said during a telephone interview. "For instance, our majors are actually useful. Here, you can major in: Having Babies, Patriotism Studies, Christian Living, Having a Beer Like a Regular Guy, Being A Success Like Me, Nature, Oil, and etc, stuff."

Tuition will be $68,000 a year. "Republicans work hard for their money, so they've got a lot of it, and will pay for educating," said Palin. "I'm just really happy to share my gifts."


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Worse Than Bedbugs: BedHabsburgs!

A new household parasite has arrived in Brooklyn, New York, and this one is pretty bad. BedHabsburgs are exactly like bedbugs in every way, except instead of being tiny insects, they are full grown members of the Habsburg dynasty. Just like their bug cousins, they bite, infect everything they touch, and are nearly impossible to banish.

The first case of bedHabsburgs came to light last week, when an anonymous 29-year-old woman from Maspeth avenue in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called New York's 311 line with a complaint.

"There are parasites in my bed," the transcript of the call reads. "But they aren't bugs. They seem to be people dressed in garb from the 1500s through the 1800s. Some of them appear to be feeble-minded, and NONE of them will leave!"

BedHabsburgs can range from the venerable and polite Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, to the retarded and incontinent Ferdinand I of Austria. All bedHabsburgs are full-size humans, some of them have deeply unattractive underbites, and part of what makes a bedHabsburg infestation unbearable is that they take up the entire bed. They also are known to moan for food, soil themselves and each other, and bicker in sundry European tongues.

The only cure for a bedHabsburg infestation is to destroy all belongings and move. Extermination does not work. BedHabsburgs are immortal, and, just like conventional Habsburgs, are very prolific in their reproductive behavior.


Chief Justice John Roberts Sick and Tired of Constant Musical Farting

John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, issued a scathing memorandum this morning that rebuked his fellow justices Antonin Scalia, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Stephen Breyer for their "constant, musical farting" that he deemed "distracting, crass, rude, obnoxious, unprofessional, and slightly out-of-tune."

Scalia, Ginsburg, and Breyer--all accomplished musicians--pooled their talent resources last month and formed an avant garde jazz trio in which the only instrument is the ass. Scalia farts tenor; Ginsburg and Breyer switch off baritone and bass. The justices have played several open mic nights in the Washington, DC metro area and have won a loyal, though small, base of fans. Chief Justice John Roberts does not count himself among them.

"It's cool whatever they want to do with their own time, off the bench," said the Chief Justice, shaking his head. "But when we're hearing arguments, and they start practicing... or jamming, or whatever... I just find it really rude. What have we become?"

An anonymous source close to the court claims that the Chief Justice is "hurt" and "deeply offended" that he was not asked to be in the band. It is rumored that he farts a terrific soprano.