tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5142341094230925772023-06-20T08:34:19.979-04:00LIE BLOGa blog of lies.big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-33346399019552067092016-11-07T22:39:00.001-05:002016-11-07T22:44:14.121-05:00Nadsack Stuck to Pence's Leg Irrelevant in Decision to Leave RaceAt a press conference today, Republican (now-ex)Vice Presidential Nominee Mike Pence vehemently insisted that his reason for dropping out of the race was <i>not</i> that he accidentally superglued his nadsack to his inner left thigh the previous evening, and certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he, as yet, had not been able to unglue it.<br><br>
"It's irrelevant," Pence said, standing in an awkward, bent position, with his hand over his misshapen crotch bulge.
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"Have you tried acetone?" Shouted a Washington Post reporter. "I did the same damn thing last year and acetone was a godsend."
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"Please don't use the lord's name in vain," said Pence, adjusting himself and wincing. "And acetone didn't work in this case."
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When pressed for the true reason he decided to step off the ticket, Pence shrugged. "You ever just have enough? I hate this shit. I feel like going to Burger King, playing bocce ball, singing in the rain, and making love to my wife." No one asked him how he planned to do these things with his nad sack stuck to his leg.<br><br>
Democratic Presidential Nominee, Hillary Clinton, issued a statement wishing Pence a speedy recovery and a life outside of the political sector.
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Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential Nominee, sighed and shook his head when asked for a statement. "Getting your nadsack stuck to your leg with nature's own goo is bad enough," he said, in a surprisingly presidential show of empathy for his fellow man. "But super glue? Yeeee-ikes! I wish him the best! And I found a new guy for the ticket!"
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Trump's new running mate is the weeping pustule of a newly lanced boil on the rim of his very asshole. He was chosen over Melania's p-word.<br><br>
<span>(<a hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com="" href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=514234109423092577" http:="">SOURCE</a>)</span>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-79605822594637160122016-10-18T21:59:00.001-04:002016-10-18T22:00:52.299-04:00Turkmenistan to Require All Homes to Have Swimming Pools by 2017The people of Turkmenistan voted this week to require all homes to have swimming pools installed by 2017. President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow announced that he was pleased with this decision and that it showed that Turkmenistan is "on the upswing."<br><br>
"Before now," he said, in front of an audience of voters, "People worldwide did not associate our country with swimming, tanning, wading, or hanging out in a pool. That's one of the reasons tourism has 'dried up' since the silk road was a thing." Berdimuhamedow giggled. "Get it?????"<br><br>
Uzbekistan issued a press release condemning their historical rival. It read:<br><br>
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As usual, Turkmenistan doesn't get it.
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Tajikstan has maintained an uncharacteristic silence on this issue. Turkmenistan's main ally in the international front, Eritrea, sent a congratulatory tweet: "great idea! pools are fun."<br><br>
Balfour Beatty has been contracted to build all the pools in one fell swoop. The day of build is October 29.<br><br>
<font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-23977169763046809932016-10-13T21:38:00.000-04:002016-10-13T21:39:25.418-04:00Honey Boo Boo Rapes Donald TrumpReality TV star Honey Boo Boo was found guilty today on six counts of rape, over the incident in July in which she kidnapped, raped, and sounded Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump.
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Honey Boo Boo was tried as a juvenile, since she is 11, and will do community service as her sentence.
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"I just wanted to go on a date with him," she said at a press conference in front of the New York State Southern District Courthouse this afternoon. "He said no, because I was too old and not hot enough. He said no over and over again. Why should I take no for an answer? A man like that? I had to have him. I did what I did because I had to do it, and honestly, I'm not sorry."
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Mr. Trump suffered anal fissures, urethral bleeding, and a sad mood for a few weeks, but he'll be okay.
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<font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-27118331274005056792016-10-10T23:30:00.002-04:002016-10-10T23:35:30.152-04:00Pee Endorses Donald Trump
At a press conference at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this evening, Pee, the clear-to-yellow liquid seen streaming forth from urethras big and small around the world, endorsed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.<br><br>
"I was an undecided voter for a long time," Pee said, "but as I was passing through a particularly economically depressed, tiny ureter today, I've finally made up my mind. It seems to me that Mr. Trump really has my best interests at heart, so I'm going to vote for him and I urge you to do so as well."
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Pee cited a hatred of free trade, a love of making America great again, and an appreciation of the pale yellow color of Mr. Trump's hair as reasons for the endorsement.
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"I like yellowish things," Pee shrugged.
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Pee's comrades-in-bodily-fluid have been varied in their endorsements. Poop endorsed Mr. Trump several weeks ago, as did his very conservative wife, The Squirts. Blood, Sweat, and Tears endorsed Mr. Trump's rival, the Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton, back in August. Vomit, Puke, Throw-up, and Snot have not endorsed any candidates, but were seen cuddling the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, as he sailed around the Sargasso Sea on his private grand-canoe. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Campaign_for_%22santorum%22_neologism">Santorum</a> will only ever support Dick Cheney.
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<font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-58005439902319596072012-05-06T14:19:00.002-04:002012-05-06T14:21:32.942-04:00Switzerland to Abandon Currency in Favor of Barter SystemThe Grand Duke of Switzerland, Heimlich K. Maneuver, announced late Saturday night that Switzerland is abandoning the CHF in favor of what he called "a return to the peaceful values of trading goods and services for goods and services."<br><br>
"Listen," he said, shaking his head. "We're tired of all this banking bullshit. We're closing all the banks and turning them into gardens. The gardens will grow flowers and foodstuffs. We will trade the flowers and foodstuffs. Tomorrow morning, the Swiss franc will be worth zilch."
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Grand Duke Heimlich K. Maneuver, a world-renowned expert in the fields of Economics, Policy, and Fencing, holds advanced degrees from the University of Phoenix and the University of the Ozarks. His Facebook page lists his hobbies, which include: "war games," "knowing when to hold/knowing when to fold," and "receiving fellatio :)"
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<span>(<a hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com"="" href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=514234109423092577" http:="">SOURCE</a>)</span>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-63807301292373771302012-01-19T23:35:00.002-05:002012-01-19T23:44:23.353-05:00Newt Gingrich Admits to Having Fellated a PigeonThursday night, during the Republican Primary debate, Newt Gingrich shocked voters and his fellow candidates by admitting that in his youth, he had once performed fellatio on a pigeon.<br /><br />"It was 1955," Gingrich said, waving his hand as though to dismiss his behavior. "Who didn't do something nutty? I was bored, and it was right there, and well, you know how boys are. This in no way has anything to do with my ability to function as President of the United States. In fact, I wager Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and <i>both</i> Roosevelts did the very same thing in their youth-times. It's not that abnormal. It's really not."<br /><br />Gingrich's admission was in response to moderator Dan Quayle's question, "what is the worst thing you've ever done?"<br /><br />Mitt Romney answered that he twice shat in his neighbor's mailbox--once in 1996, and once in 1998. "I'm really sorry," he said, shaking his head. <br /><br />Rick Santorum sighed and admitted to having once fantasized about being gang-banged. "I was a young, wayward lad" he explained, "growing up in a godless country." <br /><br />Ron Paul answered the question by removing his shirt.<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-63253764654157788722012-01-14T13:07:00.002-05:002012-01-14T13:31:21.479-05:00Football Players Quit Football in Favor of New SportEarly Friday, a newly-formed consortium of all professional football players, calling themselves "NFA" which stands for "no football anymore," announced that they were finished playing football and that they have invented a new sport that is much better. The group made a press release and purchased full-page advertisements in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, the Los Angeles Times, and Time Magazine.<br /><br />"It's called Running On A Field," reads the copy. "It's much better than football. You still have two teams in two different outfits. You still have people watching the game and cheering. Only, there is no ball, and the rules are as thus: As soon as the game starts, everyone begins to run around. Everyone wears a pedometer. An hour later, the score is tallied, and the team with the most points wins. Here are how the score is tabulated:<br /><br />1. Raw pedometer numbers (more miles = better. One point per 1/10th of a mile.)<br />2. Tricks. A triple-axl is five points. A cartwheel is 10 points. A back handspring is 12 points. Skipping or galloping across the entire field is 5 points. Hopping on one foot the entire game is worth 30 points.<br /><br />We like this game much better than football, so we're playing it instead from now on. Sincerely, the NFA."<br /><br /> <br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-44283925903646221282011-12-05T21:52:00.004-05:002011-12-05T21:57:19.927-05:00Herman Cain to Shit Silver DollarsRepublican presidential primary candidate Herman Cain announced today in Salt Lake City that once in office he plans to "shit silver dollars every day or two" to help balance the budget.<br /><br />"it's a trick I learned when I was a little boy," he told a rapt audience of supporters. "It's easy and not that hard."<br /><br />Cain went on to say that the silver dollars from his bunghole will eliminate the need for any taxes. "It's that simple," he said, shouting over a screaming crowd of republicans. "It's really that simple."<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-75561494939461033692011-10-05T15:32:00.002-04:002011-10-05T15:41:26.011-04:00Ted Danson Plans to Cremate Himself to Boost the EconomyActor/Dancer/Politician Ted Danson told <i>Entertainment Weekly</i> in an interview on Sunday that he plans to "self-cremate" on November 1st, 2011, as a way to boost the depressed economy.<br /><br />"I'm a lucky guy," Danson said, looking at the camera. "I've had my share of a good life. What about those poor unemployed people? What about the people without houses and without jobs? This is for them."<br /><br />When asked how cremating himself would boost the economy, Danson pulled out a whiteboard and brought America back to Econ101. "First, it's gonna happen at a grocery store. It's gonna make a big mess. A big, big, big mess. They're gonna have to hire people to clean it up: JOBS! They're gonna have to rebuild the part of the grocery store that my flaming body burned down: JOBS! People will have to shop at another grocery store while this one is being fixed, meaning that other grocery store will need more checkout lanes: JOBS! There will have to be more roads to get to that other grocery store, and someone has to plan, design, and build them: JOBS! Newspapers have to report about all of this: JOBS! My insurance company has to fight my wife in court as to whether she gets a payout for a suicide that benefits humanity: JOBS! My wife will need a new dress for court: JOBS! New shoes, too: JOBS! There will be a funeral planned for me and a grave dug for my ashes: JOBS! A headstone: JOBS! An online dating service for my wife: JOBS! Restaurants she goes to on terrible first dates: JOBS! Birth control she buys: JOBS! A wedding she plans: JOBS! JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS!"<br /><br />Danson hopes other actors, dancers, and politicians follow in his selfless lead. "Dude, I can't believe more people aren't helping out," he said. "JOBS!"<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-37898980510932190922011-09-24T18:54:00.003-04:002011-09-24T19:02:53.089-04:00Dillards and Food Emporium to Merge BusinessesDan Quayle, the CEO of Dillards, announced at a spur-of-the-moment press conference Saturday afternoon that Dillards will merge with grocery empire Food Emporium in December, forming a new brand which will be called "EatShirts."<br /><br />EatShirts will be a revolutionary new type of business--Dillards and Food Emporium aren't just going to have stores that sell both clothing and groceries. EatShirts will sell clothing that is, according to Quayle, "edible, delicious, and affordable."<br /><br />"We're really excited about this new partnership," Quayle said, smiling and adjusting his tie, which he later confessed was composed of sugar and beet fibers. "Because who has money anymore to buy both clothes and dinner? The answer is: nobody does. Too many people have to choose between eating and fashion. Well, not anymore."<br /><br />The first EatShirts will open in Spring Creek, Brooklyn, at the Gateway strip mall. Six more stores will open the following week, in the American cities of Sault St. Marie, Helena, Duluth, Portland, and the international cities of Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea, and Stonetown, Tanzania. "Market research has shown a huge demand in Stonetown," said Quayle, when questioned about his choice. "Listen, I'm the CEO for a reason." He licked his tie and pronounced it delicious.<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-75478019900174174002011-09-21T20:31:00.003-04:002011-09-21T20:39:36.873-04:00Andrea Bocelli To Record Pornographic Spoken-Word RecordWorld-famous baritone Andrea Bocelli announced after a sold-out concert in Brooklyn's McGolrick Park this morning that he is in the process of finalizing "the most amazing record of [his] career." The crowd gave this news a standing ovation, and Mr. Bocelli hushed them, saying "let me tell you about it first, okay?"<br /><br />The record, which will be released by Interscope in December, will be a 68-minute pornographic spoken-word album featuring titles such as "Fuck my Fucking Fuck-hole," "BallMouth," "A Dick a Day Dionysus," and "Twats, Cunts, and Gashes." Background music will consist of light oboe and cello sounds donated by the Cleveland City Orchestra.<br /><br />"I'm really proud of this record," Bocelli said. "It's a new direction for me. A permanent one? Time will tell, as time always tells. But it feels great right now!"<br /><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-52760310862646031332011-08-08T22:09:00.003-04:002011-08-08T22:17:18.339-04:00US GDP Falls by 76%The United States issued a worldwide press release this afternoon, announcing that its gross domestic product had declined by 76% in the month of July. "Everyone is really bored and tired, and we don't want to do stuff anymore," the missive began. It went on to list all the reasons for the nation's collective ennui, which included: heat, hunger, "our shoes are too tight," "farms aren't fun anymore," "metal is dumb to make," "we feel like being minimalists," and "so what, fuck you."
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<br />Yugoslavia responded with a press release of its own, stating "you owe us some money, though." Iraq issued a press release that read "huh, whatever." China issued a press release in Chinese, but nobody could translate it.
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<br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-10832021801388156752011-07-11T16:00:00.003-04:002011-07-11T16:16:48.675-04:00North Korea To Pay Off All US Student Loan DebtThe Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.<br /><br />"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."<br /><br />France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.<br /><br />"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-75887264296520313182011-07-10T19:34:00.002-04:002011-07-10T19:45:19.207-04:00Britney Spears Has Surgery to Switch Face and ButtBritney Spears was admitted to the UCLA Hospital Major Surgery Center early Sunday morning for an operation-- faciobuttoplasty--she claims she has been hoping to have for a long time.<br /><br />"I've been saving money for this since I was a little girl," she told a Newsweek reporter, as she sat in the waiting room. "This is going to be a dream come true."<br /><br />Ms. Spears, 34, is going to be the world's first person to undergo this new and controversial procedure. A team of plastic surgeons will first remove her entire face and store it in a sterile liquiviscuous hydrogen chamber while Ms. Spears is flipped over for her butt to receive the same treatment. Once her butt is removed and stored in the chamber, her face will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed carefully to the area where her butt used to be. Since butts are classically larger than faces, Ms. Spears' face will be lightly stretched to cover the correct amount of her body. Once the face is stiched to where the butt used to be, Ms. Spears will be flipped over again and her butt will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed to where her face used to be. The extra buttflesh will be used to create "cute little florettes" that Ms. Spears designed herself, to be sewn to her ears.<br /><br />Once the outer, cosmetic part of the surgery is complete, a team of internists and surgeons will use lasers to reroute the workings of Ms. Spears body so she can still see from her newly-placed eyes, smell from her newly-placed nose, eat from her newly-placed mouth, and defecate from her newly-placed butt without any hardship.<br /><br />Ms. Spears is expected to be released from the hospital by Tuesday, and her bandages are set to come off the following Friday.<br /><br />"I feel great about this," she said, smiling. "Next time you see this smile, you know where it will be!"<br /><br /><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-4257468119454105502011-07-08T23:24:00.004-04:002011-07-08T23:32:21.066-04:00Obama to Replace All Furniture in White House with IKEA 'Beddinge'President Barack Obama announced today, first to the Senate and then to the media, that he plans to "throw away all that musty old furniture" that currently graces the White House and to purchase "a bunch of those <a target="_new" href="http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S79874372#/S79874372/">beddinge</a> things you can get at Ikea."<br /><br />The beddinge is IKEA's best selling product, with over 900,000 sold per week in the United States alone. In the May 2011 <i>Sofas!</i> magazine, Kathie Lee Gifford weighed in on the product: "The beddinge is the best couch and the best bed. It's the best piece of furniture in my house. I can't imagine why anyone would not want one."<br /><br />"They're really nice," the President said, realizing he needed to explain himself after his announcement was received with stunned silence. "Utilitarian. You can sit on them, lie on them, whatever. Eat on them, if you stack them. And we're gonna, because I just threw away the kitchen table. These things are useful in so many ways! They're a good symbol for our hard times. We all must make sacrifices. Plus, all this spending--it's my private money, you know--helps the American economy."<br /><br />When reminded that IKEA is actually a Swedish company, the President waved his hand and countered, "shut up."<br /><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-16959998777983759672011-04-04T21:54:00.002-04:002011-04-04T22:00:43.601-04:00Florida Governor Rick Scott Survived 6 Years on Diet of Rat TurdsFlorida's Governor, Tea Partier Rick Scott, confessed in his recently-published autobiography "By, About, and 4 The Lord" that from the age of 30 to 36, he ate nothing but vitamins, water, and the turds of his pet rat, Wanda. The passage in the book reads:<br /><blockquote><i>And so it began--the fad diet. I was ninety pounds overweight, and my cholesterol was frightfully high. My doctor recommended diet changes, exercise, and medication, but the medication made me sleepy and I strongly dislike exercising. So I searched for alternative remedies, and found an ancient diet treatise written by a monk in the 1230s--of course, it was written in Latin, so I had it translated. It recommended that I eat nothing by "thy faeces of A Ratte" and health would be mine, so I did. I lost all the weight, and found, on top of that, holiness."</i></blockquote><br /><br />At age 36, a bout with gout convinced Scott to return to more conventional eating habits.<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-1339709136960397552011-04-03T22:00:00.002-04:002011-04-03T22:07:47.604-04:00Sonny Bono found to be the True Duke of EarlSeveral genealogy and royal lineage experts came forward Sunday morning with alarming news: First, that the Duke of Earl is not a fiction, and second, that Sonny Bono, of all people, was the last living Duke of Earl.<br /><br />"Earl is a small, lesser-known township about 60 kilometers from Manchester," commented one of the lineage experts, R. Calvin Kooligidaire. "Right now, only four people live there. But in the 1640s, it was a boom town, because it was home to a salt mine and an armory, not to mention a horse breeding field."<br /><br />"And," interjected another expert, M. Maynard Fillmorsel, "every boom town had its own Duke, of course. Earl, being so small nowadays, hasn't really kept up on this--but a sizable population of Earl-dwellers migrated to the Americas and to Continental Europe in the 1700s and 1800s. Mr. Bono's maternal grandmother's line was one of them, and strangely, her line was also heir to the Dukedom of Earl. Mr. Sonny Bono was the last living Duke of Earl."<br /><br />Cher wrote on her blog a long and moving entry about the extra respect she now felt for the deceased Bono. "Sonny was among my dearest friends, and I miss him every day, several times. I meditate, now, upon his photograph, and I think about what it means to be the last Duke of Earl."<br /><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-2699393247571551162011-04-01T11:36:00.002-04:002011-04-01T11:44:48.652-04:00New York Times to Charge for Online AccessThis week, the New York Times began to charge users to access its online content.<br /><br />Times readers will be able to access 20 articles a month for free. After they have accessed 20 articles, they must subscribe to get access to additional content. The paper offers three pricing plans that permit different levels of content access. The cheapest plan costs $15 per month and the most expensive plan costs $35 per month. Subscribers to the print edition of the paper will also have unlimited access to the online edition.<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-67304376853612624192011-03-30T21:45:00.002-04:002011-03-30T21:51:49.315-04:00Red is No Longer a ColorThe International Academy of Color (IAOC) published a report today that broached a controversial topic for the first time since the Middle Ages: Whether red is a color. IOAC takes the position that red is not a color, but "an offset of infrared."<br /><br />"It's really very technical," Wayne Gretzky, the current President of IAOC commented on the Today Show. "The fact that red is not a color isn't going to change anyone's relationship with red. You can still see it. It's just, scientifically, it doesn't meet the definition of a color. A color's wavelength must be between 400nm and 690 nm. Beyond 690 nm, not a color. Something else."<br /><br />"Something else? Like what?" asked host Regis Philbin.<br /><br />"Infrared."<br /><br />"And what's infrared?"<br /><br />"More like a microwave than a color. I don't mean to cause trouble--but watch out for red, I guess is what the IAOC wants to say. Red isn't just pretty to look at. It can cook your food, if you're not careful.<br />"<br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-6879264296772601162011-03-29T21:38:00.003-04:002011-03-29T21:48:32.719-04:00Sorbonne to Build "Warren G. Harding Dining Hall."Paris-Sorbonne University, one of the successor universities of the Sorbonne, announced early Wednesday that the construction of their new dining hall will begin June 3rd. The hall, which will be built in the modernist style, will be named "Warren G. Harding Dining Hall," after the only United States President to hold a degree from the Sorbonne (Arts & Science, 1884).<br /><br />"Warren Harding was quite a scholar, and he did very well here," said the President of the University, who asked to remain anonymous. "His senior thesis was on the differences between <i>Beowulf</i> and all of French literature. There are, as Harding discovered, a lot of them."<br /><br />"It's a shame we waited this long to build Harding Dining Hall," remarked the Bursar, who is also the President's wife. "Such great things can go unnoticed."<br /><br />Warren G. Harding Dining Hall will open for service in Fall 2013. It will serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner.<br /><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-26414251896207120112010-11-18T11:34:00.003-05:002010-11-18T11:39:55.224-05:00Conan O'Brien Arrested for Having Sex With a Dog at TGI Friday'sConan O'Brien entered a Los Angeles TGI Friday's restaurant at 7pm yesterday, leading with him, on a leash, an unnamed female rottweiler. The restaurant hostess attempted to remove Mr. O'Brien from the premises due to the franchise's rigid "no dog" policy, but Mr. O'Brien pushed past her, sidled up to the bar, and stole a man's beer.<br /><br />"He downed that thing in two seconds," said the befuddled Jason Duncan of Los Angeles, 24. "And then, it got really weird."<br /><br />According to Mr. Duncan and other witnesses, Mr. O'Brien removed his pants, mounted the dog, and had sex with it, emitting "foul and loud whoops of glee." The dog was silent.<br /><br />"I can't believe he'd do that to our establishment. We were always on Team Conan," said the manager of the restaurant, Lynne Fuhrtenhaur. "I'm sorry he got arrested, but really. It was a dumb thing to do."<br /><br />Mr. O'Brien issued a statement of apology. It read, in its entirety, "Yeah, okay, sorry, whatever."<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-1166721865214136232010-11-08T12:49:00.004-05:002010-11-08T12:53:37.608-05:00New Jersey Tidal Wave Claims Ten Thousand LivesA tidal wave crashed into New Jersey this morning, killing ten thousand people, injuring twenty thousand more, and destroying entire neighborhoods of homes and businesses.<br /><br />Witnesses claim the wave came "out of nowhere" and inundated the state with a violence that called to mind "Saw."<br /><br />New Jersey Governor Tom Brokaw has declared a state of emergency. Atlantic City Mayor Janet Jackson has been reported missing. Camden and Newark do not have mayors. Trenton Mayor Frank Sinatra issued the following statement: <br /><blockquote><br />New Jersey is in tears today. God help us all.</blockquote><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-35661494732653416512010-10-28T16:48:00.002-04:002010-10-28T16:53:57.758-04:00Karl Marx Publishes Cookbook from the GraveKarl Marx has published a cookbook from the grave. The book, entitled "Kooking With Karl: Kookies, Kakes, and Kales," has sold seven million copies worldwide, including twelve hundred on the Kindle. The Kindle edition features six extra recipes: Ice cream, cut avocados, orange juice, mixed beverage pie, lettuce leaf soup, and peas.<br /><br />"It's not really Karl from the grave publishing this," his great-great-grand-niece, Tabitha, explained on Good Morning America yesterday morning. "It's his family. Karl was a great cook, and he really loved desserts and greens the best. He kept his recipes in a big box, and we found it in our sub-attic, so we decided to compile them into a book."<br /><br />All proceeds from the book are being donated to the cause of communism.<br /><br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-85522944399674872632010-10-06T09:50:00.003-04:002010-10-06T09:57:56.146-04:00Al Gore Wins Amateur Burp-Kiss Contest at Lancaster County FairAl Gore, who had stopped at the Lancaster County Fair in Pennsylvania to spread word about climate change, entered the Amateur Burp-Kiss Contest on "a lark." "I had said my piece, and people had listened, and I thought, okay, I want to have some fun."<br /><br />The former Vice President of the United States had fun indeed. He so clearly won the amateur burp-kiss contest that the man in distant second, Dwayne K. Fruloggle, a six-time champ, plans to sue.<br /><br />"The amateur burp-kiss contest is my one time of year to shine," Fruloggle complained. "I'm just a regular dude the rest of the year. But I was getting so good they were going to move me up to professional."<br /><br />The Professional Burp-Kiss Contest is very similar to the amateur one, in that it is also an annual occurrence and also takes place at the Lancaster County Fair, but its participants are people who are so talented at burp-kissing that they are paid to do it throughout the year.<br /><br />The Burp-Kiss is an ancient Amish Jester tradition. One eats a lot of sauerkraut, drinks barleyjuice and seltzer water, burps, saves the burp in the mouth, and then kisses as many people as possible while the vileness of the burp is still present. Dwayne K. Fruloggle's record was 14. Al Gore burp-kissed 53 people with much success and disgust.<br /><br />"It might be my new thing," said Gore, smiling.<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-514234109423092577.post-91767572513863079532010-09-29T12:57:00.003-04:002010-09-29T13:05:15.022-04:00US Invests in High-Speed Walking (HSW)The Obama administration announced today that it will invest four million dollars in a High-Speed Walking initiative throughout the country.<br /><br />"We keep hearing about this 'high speed rail' thing," the President said. "But I took a trip to Kansas the other day and it took me an hour to walk across the hotel lobby because everyone else was so slow and so fat. In New York--in Washington--in Boston--in Philadelphia--people achieve speeds of up to five miles per hour when they walk." The President pointed to a graph. "Look at this. Just look at this. In Mississippi, not one person has walked faster than a quarter mile per hour in thirty years!"<br /><br />The HSW initiative has two parts: 1) awareness, which will consist mostly of billboards and television spots; and 2) infrastructure, which will consist of sidewalks that are paved with hot coals, as to encourage high speed walking.<br /><br />Walking is one of the greenest forms of transportation. High-speed walking is especially efficient. Trained and specialized high-speed walkers often achieve speeds comparable to that of roller skaters.<br /><br /><font size="-1">(<a href=""http://hereinliesomelies.blogspot.com">SOURCE</a>)</font>big brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01022934330714177866noreply@blogger.com0