Wednesday, August 25, 2010

In Daring Move, Amtrak to Replace Wheels With Trillions of Ants

Passenger rail company Amtrak declared at a press conference this morning that they plan to forgo the traditional "wheels on rails" model of rail transit and instead move to the "ants on rails" method that has gained popularity in rural Yemen, urban Zimbabwe, and the entire nation of Italy.

The "ants on rails" method of rail transit involves no wheels whatsoever. Instead, legions of ants--usually carpenter ants--are glued, in long, rail-shaped phalanxes, to the underside of each rail car. The scent of sugar is sprayed on the tracks in the direction that the train needs to go, and the ants march. The ants know to stop when they have reached the sugar, which is placed at their destination. This method of rail travel averages about 1 mile per hour.

In a world of high-speed rail, the "ants on rails" method--often mocked as "low speed rail"--can seem silly and counterintuitive. However, the costs are so low, and the ride is so smooth and quiet, that many passengers find they prefer it.

"Wheels are expensive and loud, and frankly, totally industrial-stupid and not green," said an Amtrak spokesperson at the press conference.

The first route to be changed over to the new method is the Northeast Corridor. Commuters between Boston, New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. can look forward to train rides that last entire weeks.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Sting Achieves Prehensile Urethra

Singer Sting, formerly of The Police, confessed in an interview with Fox News this morning that, with exercise and practice, he has achieved the unthinkable: A prehensile urethra!

"It started two years ago when I broke both arms and both legs while skiing," Sting said, on the air. "And, lying in bed, I couldn't pick anything up except with my mouth, which was terribly inconvenient if I was talking. So I decided to work with my peehole. I started with needles and toothpicks and moved up to thumbtacks, and now I can make a nice needlepoint with just my urethra."

Sting's urologist, Dr. G. Stoler, applauded the singer's dedication. "I don't get to see many of these," he said, shaking his head. "I don't get to see many of these."

Sting plans to tour the world in 2011, singing and exhibiting urethral dexterity.


Friday, August 20, 2010

United Airlines Earns Ire With Plans to Build Airplane Hangar on Ground Zero

United Airlines earned the ire of the nation this morning when it unveiled, on the Today Show, a thorough and detailed plan to build a 60,000 square foot airplane hangar directly on Ground Zero.

"Especially considering there isn't even an airport very nearby, this is a pretty dick move," commented New York's Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. "How do they think they're going to get the airplanes out of storage and to the airport? The Brooklyn-Battery tunnel!? I just think that--"

"Actually, since they're planes, we plan to fly them," interrupted United's CEO, Faustine Leche Sorenson.

"On what runway!" shot back Bloomberg. "This city has enough to worry about as it is!"


Sixty separate New York City groups have gone on the record stating that they believe Ground Zero is an insensitive place to build an airplane hangar. Nationwide, Americans are boycotting airlines that store their airplanes in hangars. Ann Coulter is the lone celebrity defender of United's decision. "Ya'll are a bunch of whiners," she said on her blog, "Get over it. Airplanes don't kill people; people kill people."

Ground Zero is the place that used to house the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. The towers fell on September 11th, 2001, when two airplanes mistook them for airplane hangars.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Disinterred Corpse of Ronald Reagan Kills Two in Lower Manhattan

At 10:00am today, several masked, unknown perpetrators smuggled the disinterred corpse of Ronald Reagan into 1 World Trade Center--the most northerly of the Twin Towers--and up to the tower's roof before throwing him over the edge. The corpse landed atop a canoodling couple walking on Vesey street, killing them instantly.

Building CCTV recordings reveal the perpetrators to be three in number. They wore all black and monster masks. They also had dressed Mr. Reagan's corpse in all black, though his decomposed face looked enough like a monster mask that one was not required for him.

"We suspect that the perpetrators are prankster youths," read the NYPD's official statement. "We have no idea how they obtained the former president's disinterred corpse, or why they would drop it off the World Trade Center."

Police Chief Janet Reno observed, with a twinkle in her eye, "It takes a real sicko to do this."

The twin towers of the World Trade Center have been involved in several criminal incidents in the past.

Mr. Reagan's corpse shattered into many pieces as it hit its victims, and what bits could be collected have been cremated and scattered at sea.


Monday, August 16, 2010

David Lynch and Joss Whedon to Collaborate on Sex and the City Remake

David Lynch and Joss Whedon announced in an interview with SkyMall today that they are embarking on a long-awaited, must-see collaboration--a remake of Sex and the City! The pilot episode will be shown on HBO on September 10, 2011.

The remake, entitled "Sex and the Countryside" will be a faithful plotline-by-plotline, problem-by-problem, episode-by-episode remake of Sex and the City, but will be set in the 1620s English countryside, and every character will be played by a sheep, except God, who will be played by Steve Buscemi.

Since fashion played such a large role in the original series, SkyMall saw it fit to ask whether the sheep will wear clothes. Whedon laughed, and Lynch rolled his eyes and commented "Every role except that of God will be played ovinely. Fashion had a role; fashion too will be played ovinely."

"Ovinely means, played by a sheep," offered Whedon, helpfully.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Osama Bin Laden and Julia Roberts to Open Stride Rite Franchise Together

International terrorist ringleader Osama Bin Laden and horsemouthed actress Julia Roberts have both decided to turn over new leaves and go into business together in the management of a Stride Rite shoe store.

Bin Laden stated in a press release "I really admire the Stride Rite brand. The shoes are quite comfortable for all environments, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life working at this store."

Roberts added "I have sixteen pairs of the Purple Pinks. Soooo comfy."

Bin Laden and Roberts met long ago as teenagers at the University of Beijing, where Bin Laden majored in Hearing and Roberts majored in Listening. The two fields of study have quite a bit of overlap, and Roberts and Bin Laden often sat together in the back of lecture halls, cracking wise and discussing footwear. The friends lost touch as their careers diverged, but a chance meeting in a Pakistani hookah bar three months ago brought them back together--now, as business partners!

The Bin Laden/Roberts Stride Rite will be in the King of Prussia Mall, outside Philadelphia.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ethan Allen to Launch Airline

Furniture company Ethan Allen plans to launch an aviation side business as soon as January 2011. The company has been working with Boeing to build special "Comfort Deluxxxe Airliners" outfitted with Ethan Allen chairs, sofas, and tables. The new airline will be called "Ethan Allen Air" and its hub will be Tampa, Florida. It will offer routes between major and minor cities on the East Coast, and will also make one daily flight to Vancouver.

"We hope this business will really take off," commented CEO Enobong Kathy, "Not to use a pun or anything. We think people are really tired of sitting in bad furniture while they fly, and will pay a premium to sit in nice chairs. Also, since the skies are lawless, we serve cocaine and heroin on board." The price premium is reported to be quite high--early documents reveal that the proposed ticket price between Tampa and Washington, D.C. is $5,000.

Ethan Allen has been subject to several business failures over the past decade, from an ill-conceived joint effort with American Apparel, in which it offered a line of furniture made from recycled leotards, to an ill-conceived joint effort with Kentucky Fried Chicken, in which it offered a line of easy chairs that smelled like fried chicken.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

St. Lawrence Seaway Infested With Seahorses

As of Wednesday afternoon, the St. Lawrence Seaway--'Aquatic Gateway to Manifest Destiny'--is completely unnavigable due to an infestation of seahorses from the Atlantic Ocean. The seahorses have also infested Lake Ontario, Lake Erie, and Lake Huron. Because of the fresh water and the chemical sludge in the lakes and the seaway, the seahorses have grown sixteen times larger than normal and have become eighty-five times more fecund.

Lower Canada and the US Rust Belt are, according to the Associated Press, disconsolate. All industry is at a standstill. The water is reportedly "so thick with giant, omnivorous seahorses that fish and maritime mammals are washing up dead and half-eaten."

According to The Columbus Free Press young Ohio boy lost a portion of his leg while wading in Lake Erie.


Meryl Streep's New Favorite Hobby is Racism

Venerated actress Meryl Streep told TV Guide last week that her new favorite hobby is racism.

"I like to go to the mall and whisper racial slurs at everyone who walks by," she said. "It's really liberating."

Streep claims to also avoid any dining or retail establishment that serves people of all races. "Honestly, it's been hard to eat or buy anything, lately," she commented. "I imagine it would have been easier to have this hobby in the 1950s."

When asked why she has become a racist, Streep laughs. "I'm not racist. It's just a hobby. Not a lifestyle!"


Monday, August 9, 2010

Nick Cave Arrested for Eating Trees

Crooner Nick Cave was arrested late Sunday night for breaking into the Brooklyn Botanic Garden and devouring six full trees. Cave ate: Two live oaks, a maple, a yew, a birch, and an apple tree. The singer ate the entire trees--bark, leaves, roots, and all. He had just started munching on a sycamore when a Garden Ranger happened upon him and shot him with a tranquilizer gun.

"I thought he was a bear," said the Garden Ranger, who asked to remain anonymous. "We get a lot of bears around here in the August month."

Cave was hospitalized with a distended belly and a wood-perforated intestine. "I really don't know what came over me," he said in his trademark deep voice. It was raspy with bark remnants. "I don't even like vegetables much. I really am so sorry, you guys. Maybe it's the Ambien or something."

Cave says, if he recovers and does not die, he plans to record an album called "Tree-eater" and donate all the proceeds to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. The garden is suing him for the replacement of all six trees and also for the replacement of one tranquilizer dart. Cave is banned from the garden for the rest of his life.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

American Airlines to Require Babies to be Checked

American Airlines, subsidiary of the AMR corporation (NYSE: AMR), will start enforcing a controversial new policy on September 1, 2010. The new policy, called "Babies Off Board" requires that parents check infants under age 4 as articles of luggage.

"The luggage compartment of the plane will be pressurized and oxygenated, to ensure the cargo's survival," wrote the airline in a press release. "Similar to the area where cats and dogs travel, the baby section will be safe and comfortable."

Whereas it costs $15 to check a regular suitcase on American Airlines, it will cost $40 to check an infant, $50 to check a middle-aged baby, and $60 to check a toddler. Parents are also welcome and encouraged to check children between the ages of 4 and 10, but it will cost $90 to do so.

When asked whether adults were permitted to check themselves as baggage, to save money, the representative from American Airlines rolled her eyes. "No adult would ever want to be cooped up with all those babies." She flipped her teal-dyed hair. "And even if one did, we have a policy--no baggage without a passenger to claim it."

Child welfare groups are organizing boycotts of American Airlines. However, US Airways, United, Continental, Southwest, and Lufthansa are all reportedly soon to follow American's lead on this policy.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dick Cheney Confesses He is the Incarnation of Aztec God

Former US Vice President Dick Cheney confessed in an August 3rd interview with Time Magazine that he believes himself to be the incarnation of the Aztec deity Amimitl, god of lakes and fishermen.

Further, the former Vice President believes most, if not all, current Republican politicians are incarnations of various Aztec deities. He revealed a few. "Sarah Palin, that's easy," he commented. "She's totally Ayauhteotl--gotta love her! Goddess of mist, fog, vanity, and fame! I'd recognize that face anywhere. Also, I suspect Mitt Romney is Cinteotl, the main maize god."

When asked if any Democrats might be incarnations of Aztec deities, Cheney, who has taken to wearing dark eyeliner and a gold headdress, sniffed and turned up his nose. "Doubtful," he said. "If anything, Egyptian or Greek."