Mayor John Lindsay has come back from the dead. This morning, he invaded MTA headquarters with his trusty hunting rifle, and installed martial law. "These trains are stupid and expensive," he said, with a dismissive wave of the hand. "We're getting rid of them and replacing them with eels."
"Eels slither," he explained. "We'll get giant eels, put them in the tunnels, and they'll slither on through. Commuters can jump on their backs, hold on, and sooner than they can say "stand clear of the closing doors please," they'll be at work."
"We're all doomed," said a train operator. "This is the stupidest thing I've heard since the elimination of the 9 train."
Bus drivers are reportedly acting very smug. Even the risen corpse of John Lindsay cannot make eels slither on solid ground.
The eel initiative is set to begin on July 13th. The MTA is donating all of its old subway cars to Buffalo, a city that is replacing its housing stock with transportation vehicles.