Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Arnold Schwarzenegger Diagnosed with Ocular Dentata

Early this afternoon, Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) made a trip to the emergency room, where he was diagnosed with Ocular Dentata.

Ocular Dentata is a very rare condition in which the eyelids grow tiny teeth that gnash together when the patient blinks. In later stages, the eyes become "hungry," and the patient suffers cravings for objects to be consumed through the eyes. It is often thought that Eric Carmen, John DeNicola and Franke Previte--the singer and the writers of the song "Hungry Eyes," respectively--suffered from this condition, but there is no proof.

Ocular Dentata, though inconvenient, is treatable with steroid ointments and a great deal of patience and self-control.

Coincidentally, Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, suffered from a similar condition in her youth: Nasal Dentata. That ailment is far easier to treat (constant nose-picking does the trick), but like Ocular Dentata, it is highly contagious and often recurring.

Roger Ebert names "The Legend of Baggar Vance" the Best Film of All Time

Esteemed film critic Roger Ebert wrote today, in the Chicago Sun-Times, that the best film ever made was "The Legend of Baggar Vance," an early-2000s era Will Smith vehicle concerning a mystical golf caddy.

Wrote Ebert, "There's just something truly invigorating about watching this film--the cinematography, the dialogue, the pacing, the stellar performances: Everything is so totally spot-on. You feel like you're really there, living the moment."

According to Ebert, the second best film ever made was "Wall Street." "Tuck Everlasting" and "The Untouchables" tied at three.

Jonas Brothers Arrested For Gang Raping A Salad; Charges Dropped

The teen sensation siblings known as the Jonas Brothers dined on lunch this afternoon at Los Angeles neighborhood staple, Applebees. The three young men decided to split the California Shrimp Salad, and when their server brought it to the table, the brothers proceeded to pull off their pants and copulate with the salad.

"It was unreal," commented the server, a gentleman by the name of Sergio. "Like, I had no idea what was going on. Was it a joke? For reality TV or something. I turned around and ran away."

Other diners snapped pictures with their cell phones as the brothers Jonas continued to pillage the pile of greens and crustacean meat. Finally, three members of the LAPD entered the restaurant and handcuffed the brothers. Kevin Jonas began to cry, Nick Jonas claimed he was only watching, and Joe Jonas managed to violently kick the salad, which, spurned and crestfallen, tumbled to the floor.

At the police station, the brothers agreed to autograph everyone's tshirts in exchange for all charges being dropped. They promised to never order salad again.

Pomeranians Nearly Extinct

A Pomeranian blight has made its way around the world, from country to country and continent to continent, and now the breed is nearly extinct.

The blight began in March, deep in Tajikstan, where the breed is held in very high esteem and where some outlying rural tribes of people even worship the tiny dogs.

The illness starts with a cough, and then all the dog's fur falls off. The dog turns blue and shrivels to half its size, and then dies. The time between onset and death is approximately half an hour.

Other breeds of dog are not susceptible to the blight.

Horse Pee Found to Cure Depression

Psychiatrists and scientists at the University of California at Berkeley have discovered a cure for depression--horse pee! This remarkable cure was found by accident, as several of the test subjects in an unrelated depression medication study felt so sad, mild, and grey that they tried to inject passion back into their lives by disgusting themselves through drinking horse pee.

Miraculously, the horse pee did not disgust them: It cured them. The researchers quickly set up a double-blind study, and the horse pee had a 99% success rate at curing depression.

The horse pee, however, cannot be bottled and sold in pharmacies. It must come right from the source--the horse, of course. The ideal regimen is five liters of horse pee a day for the rest of one's life. "It doesn't really taste that bad," said one newly cheered depressio. "It's certainly better than creamed spinach, I'll tell you that much." He smiled and took a sip from the horse pee cleverly kept in his 45 ounce nalgene.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

New York City Subway to be Replaced with Eels

Mayor John Lindsay has come back from the dead. This morning, he invaded MTA headquarters with his trusty hunting rifle, and installed martial law. "These trains are stupid and expensive," he said, with a dismissive wave of the hand. "We're getting rid of them and replacing them with eels."


"Eels slither," he explained. "We'll get giant eels, put them in the tunnels, and they'll slither on through. Commuters can jump on their backs, hold on, and sooner than they can say "stand clear of the closing doors please," they'll be at work."

"We're all doomed," said a train operator. "This is the stupidest thing I've heard since the elimination of the 9 train."

Bus drivers are reportedly acting very smug. Even the risen corpse of John Lindsay cannot make eels slither on solid ground.

The eel initiative is set to begin on July 13th. The MTA is donating all of its old subway cars to Buffalo, a city that is replacing its housing stock with transportation vehicles.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Kardashian Sisters to Produce and Star in Broadway Rendition of "The Human Centipede"

Reality television stars Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian have alerted the press that they plan to bring their favorite film "The Human Centipede" to Broadway! The Kardashian sisters discovered the movie in May, and have watched it three times a day ever since.

"I just love it. It's so romantic," gushed Khloe.

"It's really a film about family," mused Kourtney.

"I'm khoreographing all the dance steps," said Kim.

The three sisters will, of khourse, play the centipede. When asked how a movie in which two of the main characters have their mouths sewn to other characters' anuses can be turned into a musical with singing, the Kardashians said, in unison, "Have you ever heard of a khazoo?"

The show will open at the Majestic Theater in December, just in time for Christmas. Justin Timberlake has volunteered to write the songs. Madonna has volunteered to attend. Usher has volunteered to usher.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Idaho No Longer A State

Residents of the parcel of land formerly known as Idaho voted last night, around a campfire, to formally dissolve as a governmental entity and go "back to the woods."

Washington, DC has yet to acknowledge this shift, but President Obama commented "Whatever."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Calvin Coolidge's Underpants Go for $1,964,000

A pair of President Calvin Coolidge's soiled undertrousers auctioned for $1,964,000 at Sotheby's yesterday afternoon. The underwear was discovered in the attic of the Antwerp home of President Coolidge's fifth cousin twice-removed, Peripher John Coolijj III.

The underpants are cotton in material, sturdy in construction, dainty in design, and quite soiled. They were immediately recognizable as belonging to the President because he was known to sign all of his personal belongings in thread, using a characteristic needlepoint style: The underwear was no exception.

The starting bid for the Coolidge undergarment was $1,000,100. The winner, who did not supply his name, is a hedge fund manager who lives in the Bronx.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Human Leg Harvesters Receive Life In Prison With No Parole

An international cartel of human leg harvesters was sentenced to life in prison without parole this morning by the Supreme Court of the United States. Justice Antonin Scalia delivered the sentence with his characteristic glower: "You are going to rot in prison."

The leg harvesting operation grew out of a high school male prostitution ring gone awry. The boys, headquartered in Dallas, Texas, sold themselves to housewives and househusbands all across the metropolitan area. In 2008, a rancher requested a pair of legs without a boy attached, and the ring provided. Soon, that rancher ran the whole operation and shipped legs all across the world.

The CIA followed the plot for years, infiltrating its ranks. The cartel shipped legs, packed tight in coolers,to Mexico, Canada, China, Papua New Guinea, Morocco, Italy, Turkey, Pakistan, and Thailand. Recipients used the legs as fetish objects, medicine, and talismans against evil.

The legs belonged to the original male prostitutes and their wrestling team friends.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Zimbabwe Invades Russia

Zimbabwe launched an attack on Russia this morning. The Zimbabwe Royal Navy sent 300 ships to invade Vladivostok. 200 of the ships were iron-clad warships, 50 were canoes, and 50 were nuclear submarines.

Russia issued a press release saying, in Russian, "We are at a loss as to why this is happening." Zimbabwe has yet to comment.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Cher Commits Suicide

Singer/Actress/Aging Ingenue Cher took her own life this morning, by eating a brillo pad soaked in arsenic.

Cher left a perfumed, handwritten note, stating only "I have become very bored: Screw U!" She was wearing a black leather sweatsuit and Gucci sunglasses.

According to her will, her considerable fortune will be buried at sea.