Monday, December 5, 2011

Herman Cain to Shit Silver Dollars

Republican presidential primary candidate Herman Cain announced today in Salt Lake City that once in office he plans to "shit silver dollars every day or two" to help balance the budget.

"it's a trick I learned when I was a little boy," he told a rapt audience of supporters. "It's easy and not that hard."

Cain went on to say that the silver dollars from his bunghole will eliminate the need for any taxes. "It's that simple," he said, shouting over a screaming crowd of republicans. "It's really that simple."


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Ted Danson Plans to Cremate Himself to Boost the Economy

Actor/Dancer/Politician Ted Danson told Entertainment Weekly in an interview on Sunday that he plans to "self-cremate" on November 1st, 2011, as a way to boost the depressed economy.

"I'm a lucky guy," Danson said, looking at the camera. "I've had my share of a good life. What about those poor unemployed people? What about the people without houses and without jobs? This is for them."

When asked how cremating himself would boost the economy, Danson pulled out a whiteboard and brought America back to Econ101. "First, it's gonna happen at a grocery store. It's gonna make a big mess. A big, big, big mess. They're gonna have to hire people to clean it up: JOBS! They're gonna have to rebuild the part of the grocery store that my flaming body burned down: JOBS! People will have to shop at another grocery store while this one is being fixed, meaning that other grocery store will need more checkout lanes: JOBS! There will have to be more roads to get to that other grocery store, and someone has to plan, design, and build them: JOBS! Newspapers have to report about all of this: JOBS! My insurance company has to fight my wife in court as to whether she gets a payout for a suicide that benefits humanity: JOBS! My wife will need a new dress for court: JOBS! New shoes, too: JOBS! There will be a funeral planned for me and a grave dug for my ashes: JOBS! A headstone: JOBS! An online dating service for my wife: JOBS! Restaurants she goes to on terrible first dates: JOBS! Birth control she buys: JOBS! A wedding she plans: JOBS! JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS!"

Danson hopes other actors, dancers, and politicians follow in his selfless lead. "Dude, I can't believe more people aren't helping out," he said. "JOBS!"


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Dillards and Food Emporium to Merge Businesses

Dan Quayle, the CEO of Dillards, announced at a spur-of-the-moment press conference Saturday afternoon that Dillards will merge with grocery empire Food Emporium in December, forming a new brand which will be called "EatShirts."

EatShirts will be a revolutionary new type of business--Dillards and Food Emporium aren't just going to have stores that sell both clothing and groceries. EatShirts will sell clothing that is, according to Quayle, "edible, delicious, and affordable."

"We're really excited about this new partnership," Quayle said, smiling and adjusting his tie, which he later confessed was composed of sugar and beet fibers. "Because who has money anymore to buy both clothes and dinner? The answer is: nobody does. Too many people have to choose between eating and fashion. Well, not anymore."

The first EatShirts will open in Spring Creek, Brooklyn, at the Gateway strip mall. Six more stores will open the following week, in the American cities of Sault St. Marie, Helena, Duluth, Portland, and the international cities of Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea, and Stonetown, Tanzania. "Market research has shown a huge demand in Stonetown," said Quayle, when questioned about his choice. "Listen, I'm the CEO for a reason." He licked his tie and pronounced it delicious.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Andrea Bocelli To Record Pornographic Spoken-Word Record

World-famous baritone Andrea Bocelli announced after a sold-out concert in Brooklyn's McGolrick Park this morning that he is in the process of finalizing "the most amazing record of [his] career." The crowd gave this news a standing ovation, and Mr. Bocelli hushed them, saying "let me tell you about it first, okay?"

The record, which will be released by Interscope in December, will be a 68-minute pornographic spoken-word album featuring titles such as "Fuck my Fucking Fuck-hole," "BallMouth," "A Dick a Day Dionysus," and "Twats, Cunts, and Gashes." Background music will consist of light oboe and cello sounds donated by the Cleveland City Orchestra.

"I'm really proud of this record," Bocelli said. "It's a new direction for me. A permanent one? Time will tell, as time always tells. But it feels great right now!"


Monday, August 8, 2011

US GDP Falls by 76%

The United States issued a worldwide press release this afternoon, announcing that its gross domestic product had declined by 76% in the month of July. "Everyone is really bored and tired, and we don't want to do stuff anymore," the missive began. It went on to list all the reasons for the nation's collective ennui, which included: heat, hunger, "our shoes are too tight," "farms aren't fun anymore," "metal is dumb to make," "we feel like being minimalists," and "so what, fuck you."

Yugoslavia responded with a press release of its own, stating "you owe us some money, though." Iraq issued a press release that read "huh, whatever." China issued a press release in Chinese, but nobody could translate it.


Monday, July 11, 2011

North Korea To Pay Off All US Student Loan Debt

The Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.

"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."

France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.

"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Britney Spears Has Surgery to Switch Face and Butt

Britney Spears was admitted to the UCLA Hospital Major Surgery Center early Sunday morning for an operation-- faciobuttoplasty--she claims she has been hoping to have for a long time.

"I've been saving money for this since I was a little girl," she told a Newsweek reporter, as she sat in the waiting room. "This is going to be a dream come true."

Ms. Spears, 34, is going to be the world's first person to undergo this new and controversial procedure. A team of plastic surgeons will first remove her entire face and store it in a sterile liquiviscuous hydrogen chamber while Ms. Spears is flipped over for her butt to receive the same treatment. Once her butt is removed and stored in the chamber, her face will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed carefully to the area where her butt used to be. Since butts are classically larger than faces, Ms. Spears' face will be lightly stretched to cover the correct amount of her body. Once the face is stiched to where the butt used to be, Ms. Spears will be flipped over again and her butt will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed to where her face used to be. The extra buttflesh will be used to create "cute little florettes" that Ms. Spears designed herself, to be sewn to her ears.

Once the outer, cosmetic part of the surgery is complete, a team of internists and surgeons will use lasers to reroute the workings of Ms. Spears body so she can still see from her newly-placed eyes, smell from her newly-placed nose, eat from her newly-placed mouth, and defecate from her newly-placed butt without any hardship.

Ms. Spears is expected to be released from the hospital by Tuesday, and her bandages are set to come off the following Friday.

"I feel great about this," she said, smiling. "Next time you see this smile, you know where it will be!"


Friday, July 8, 2011

Obama to Replace All Furniture in White House with IKEA 'Beddinge'

President Barack Obama announced today, first to the Senate and then to the media, that he plans to "throw away all that musty old furniture" that currently graces the White House and to purchase "a bunch of those beddinge things you can get at Ikea."

The beddinge is IKEA's best selling product, with over 900,000 sold per week in the United States alone. In the May 2011 Sofas! magazine, Kathie Lee Gifford weighed in on the product: "The beddinge is the best couch and the best bed. It's the best piece of furniture in my house. I can't imagine why anyone would not want one."

"They're really nice," the President said, realizing he needed to explain himself after his announcement was received with stunned silence. "Utilitarian. You can sit on them, lie on them, whatever. Eat on them, if you stack them. And we're gonna, because I just threw away the kitchen table. These things are useful in so many ways! They're a good symbol for our hard times. We all must make sacrifices. Plus, all this spending--it's my private money, you know--helps the American economy."

When reminded that IKEA is actually a Swedish company, the President waved his hand and countered, "shut up."


Monday, April 4, 2011

Florida Governor Rick Scott Survived 6 Years on Diet of Rat Turds

Florida's Governor, Tea Partier Rick Scott, confessed in his recently-published autobiography "By, About, and 4 The Lord" that from the age of 30 to 36, he ate nothing but vitamins, water, and the turds of his pet rat, Wanda. The passage in the book reads:
And so it began--the fad diet. I was ninety pounds overweight, and my cholesterol was frightfully high. My doctor recommended diet changes, exercise, and medication, but the medication made me sleepy and I strongly dislike exercising. So I searched for alternative remedies, and found an ancient diet treatise written by a monk in the 1230s--of course, it was written in Latin, so I had it translated. It recommended that I eat nothing by "thy faeces of A Ratte" and health would be mine, so I did. I lost all the weight, and found, on top of that, holiness."

At age 36, a bout with gout convinced Scott to return to more conventional eating habits.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sonny Bono found to be the True Duke of Earl

Several genealogy and royal lineage experts came forward Sunday morning with alarming news: First, that the Duke of Earl is not a fiction, and second, that Sonny Bono, of all people, was the last living Duke of Earl.

"Earl is a small, lesser-known township about 60 kilometers from Manchester," commented one of the lineage experts, R. Calvin Kooligidaire. "Right now, only four people live there. But in the 1640s, it was a boom town, because it was home to a salt mine and an armory, not to mention a horse breeding field."

"And," interjected another expert, M. Maynard Fillmorsel, "every boom town had its own Duke, of course. Earl, being so small nowadays, hasn't really kept up on this--but a sizable population of Earl-dwellers migrated to the Americas and to Continental Europe in the 1700s and 1800s. Mr. Bono's maternal grandmother's line was one of them, and strangely, her line was also heir to the Dukedom of Earl. Mr. Sonny Bono was the last living Duke of Earl."

Cher wrote on her blog a long and moving entry about the extra respect she now felt for the deceased Bono. "Sonny was among my dearest friends, and I miss him every day, several times. I meditate, now, upon his photograph, and I think about what it means to be the last Duke of Earl."


Friday, April 1, 2011

New York Times to Charge for Online Access

This week, the New York Times began to charge users to access its online content.

Times readers will be able to access 20 articles a month for free. After they have accessed 20 articles, they must subscribe to get access to additional content. The paper offers three pricing plans that permit different levels of content access. The cheapest plan costs $15 per month and the most expensive plan costs $35 per month. Subscribers to the print edition of the paper will also have unlimited access to the online edition.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Red is No Longer a Color

The International Academy of Color (IAOC) published a report today that broached a controversial topic for the first time since the Middle Ages: Whether red is a color. IOAC takes the position that red is not a color, but "an offset of infrared."

"It's really very technical," Wayne Gretzky, the current President of IAOC commented on the Today Show. "The fact that red is not a color isn't going to change anyone's relationship with red. You can still see it. It's just, scientifically, it doesn't meet the definition of a color. A color's wavelength must be between 400nm and 690 nm. Beyond 690 nm, not a color. Something else."

"Something else? Like what?" asked host Regis Philbin.


"And what's infrared?"

"More like a microwave than a color. I don't mean to cause trouble--but watch out for red, I guess is what the IAOC wants to say. Red isn't just pretty to look at. It can cook your food, if you're not careful.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sorbonne to Build "Warren G. Harding Dining Hall."

Paris-Sorbonne University, one of the successor universities of the Sorbonne, announced early Wednesday that the construction of their new dining hall will begin June 3rd. The hall, which will be built in the modernist style, will be named "Warren G. Harding Dining Hall," after the only United States President to hold a degree from the Sorbonne (Arts & Science, 1884).

"Warren Harding was quite a scholar, and he did very well here," said the President of the University, who asked to remain anonymous. "His senior thesis was on the differences between Beowulf and all of French literature. There are, as Harding discovered, a lot of them."

"It's a shame we waited this long to build Harding Dining Hall," remarked the Bursar, who is also the President's wife. "Such great things can go unnoticed."

Warren G. Harding Dining Hall will open for service in Fall 2013. It will serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner.