Sunday, September 5, 2010

Silly Bandz Revealed to Be Vulcanized Squid Anuses

An FBI task force revealed today in a 55 page final report that Silly Bandz--a fad that has overtaken the United States, similar to slap bracelets in the early 1990s and rope anklets in the early 2000s--are not, as the company claimed earlier, rubber bracelets molded into pleasing shapes, but are instead sliced pieces of squids' anal sphincters. The shapes are designed by nature.

According to the final report, the squid anuses undergo a vulcanization process, similar but not identical to the one companies use when manufacturing rubber toys. Then, the squid anuses are dyed, packaged, and sold across the country.

Because of the success of Silly Bandz, several species of squid are now endangered. The FBI has taken Silly Bandz CEO Rodney Dangerfield into custody, and has advised all retailers to stop selling the items. The FBI does stress that Silly Bandz are perfectly safe, as there is nothing unsanitary about a processed squid anus.


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