Thursday, July 1, 2010

Chief Justice John Roberts Sick and Tired of Constant Musical Farting

John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, issued a scathing memorandum this morning that rebuked his fellow justices Antonin Scalia, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Stephen Breyer for their "constant, musical farting" that he deemed "distracting, crass, rude, obnoxious, unprofessional, and slightly out-of-tune."

Scalia, Ginsburg, and Breyer--all accomplished musicians--pooled their talent resources last month and formed an avant garde jazz trio in which the only instrument is the ass. Scalia farts tenor; Ginsburg and Breyer switch off baritone and bass. The justices have played several open mic nights in the Washington, DC metro area and have won a loyal, though small, base of fans. Chief Justice John Roberts does not count himself among them.

"It's cool whatever they want to do with their own time, off the bench," said the Chief Justice, shaking his head. "But when we're hearing arguments, and they start practicing... or jamming, or whatever... I just find it really rude. What have we become?"

An anonymous source close to the court claims that the Chief Justice is "hurt" and "deeply offended" that he was not asked to be in the band. It is rumored that he farts a terrific soprano.


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