Monday, November 7, 2016

Nadsack Stuck to Pence's Leg Irrelevant in Decision to Leave Race

At a press conference today, Republican (now-ex)Vice Presidential Nominee Mike Pence vehemently insisted that his reason for dropping out of the race was not that he accidentally superglued his nadsack to his inner left thigh the previous evening, and certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he, as yet, had not been able to unglue it.

"It's irrelevant," Pence said, standing in an awkward, bent position, with his hand over his misshapen crotch bulge.

"Have you tried acetone?" Shouted a Washington Post reporter. "I did the same damn thing last year and acetone was a godsend."

"Please don't use the lord's name in vain," said Pence, adjusting himself and wincing. "And acetone didn't work in this case."

When pressed for the true reason he decided to step off the ticket, Pence shrugged. "You ever just have enough? I hate this shit. I feel like going to Burger King, playing bocce ball, singing in the rain, and making love to my wife." No one asked him how he planned to do these things with his nad sack stuck to his leg.

Democratic Presidential Nominee, Hillary Clinton, issued a statement wishing Pence a speedy recovery and a life outside of the political sector.

Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential Nominee, sighed and shook his head when asked for a statement. "Getting your nadsack stuck to your leg with nature's own goo is bad enough," he said, in a surprisingly presidential show of empathy for his fellow man. "But super glue? Yeeee-ikes! I wish him the best! And I found a new guy for the ticket!"

Trump's new running mate is the weeping pustule of a newly lanced boil on the rim of his very asshole. He was chosen over Melania's p-word.


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Turkmenistan to Require All Homes to Have Swimming Pools by 2017

The people of Turkmenistan voted this week to require all homes to have swimming pools installed by 2017. President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow announced that he was pleased with this decision and that it showed that Turkmenistan is "on the upswing."

"Before now," he said, in front of an audience of voters, "People worldwide did not associate our country with swimming, tanning, wading, or hanging out in a pool. That's one of the reasons tourism has 'dried up' since the silk road was a thing." Berdimuhamedow giggled. "Get it?????"

Uzbekistan issued a press release condemning their historical rival. It read:

As usual, Turkmenistan doesn't get it.
Tajikstan has maintained an uncharacteristic silence on this issue. Turkmenistan's main ally in the international front, Eritrea, sent a congratulatory tweet: "great idea! pools are fun."

Balfour Beatty has been contracted to build all the pools in one fell swoop. The day of build is October 29.


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Honey Boo Boo Rapes Donald Trump

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo was found guilty today on six counts of rape, over the incident in July in which she kidnapped, raped, and sounded Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump.

Honey Boo Boo was tried as a juvenile, since she is 11, and will do community service as her sentence.

"I just wanted to go on a date with him," she said at a press conference in front of the New York State Southern District Courthouse this afternoon. "He said no, because I was too old and not hot enough. He said no over and over again. Why should I take no for an answer? A man like that? I had to have him. I did what I did because I had to do it, and honestly, I'm not sorry."

Mr. Trump suffered anal fissures, urethral bleeding, and a sad mood for a few weeks, but he'll be okay.


Monday, October 10, 2016

Pee Endorses Donald Trump

At a press conference at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this evening, Pee, the clear-to-yellow liquid seen streaming forth from urethras big and small around the world, endorsed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

"I was an undecided voter for a long time," Pee said, "but as I was passing through a particularly economically depressed, tiny ureter today, I've finally made up my mind. It seems to me that Mr. Trump really has my best interests at heart, so I'm going to vote for him and I urge you to do so as well."

Pee cited a hatred of free trade, a love of making America great again, and an appreciation of the pale yellow color of Mr. Trump's hair as reasons for the endorsement.

"I like yellowish things," Pee shrugged.

Pee's comrades-in-bodily-fluid have been varied in their endorsements. Poop endorsed Mr. Trump several weeks ago, as did his very conservative wife, The Squirts. Blood, Sweat, and Tears endorsed Mr. Trump's rival, the Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton, back in August. Vomit, Puke, Throw-up, and Snot have not endorsed any candidates, but were seen cuddling the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, as he sailed around the Sargasso Sea on his private grand-canoe. Santorum will only ever support Dick Cheney.