Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Ted Danson Plans to Cremate Himself to Boost the Economy

Actor/Dancer/Politician Ted Danson told Entertainment Weekly in an interview on Sunday that he plans to "self-cremate" on November 1st, 2011, as a way to boost the depressed economy.

"I'm a lucky guy," Danson said, looking at the camera. "I've had my share of a good life. What about those poor unemployed people? What about the people without houses and without jobs? This is for them."

When asked how cremating himself would boost the economy, Danson pulled out a whiteboard and brought America back to Econ101. "First, it's gonna happen at a grocery store. It's gonna make a big mess. A big, big, big mess. They're gonna have to hire people to clean it up: JOBS! They're gonna have to rebuild the part of the grocery store that my flaming body burned down: JOBS! People will have to shop at another grocery store while this one is being fixed, meaning that other grocery store will need more checkout lanes: JOBS! There will have to be more roads to get to that other grocery store, and someone has to plan, design, and build them: JOBS! Newspapers have to report about all of this: JOBS! My insurance company has to fight my wife in court as to whether she gets a payout for a suicide that benefits humanity: JOBS! My wife will need a new dress for court: JOBS! New shoes, too: JOBS! There will be a funeral planned for me and a grave dug for my ashes: JOBS! A headstone: JOBS! An online dating service for my wife: JOBS! Restaurants she goes to on terrible first dates: JOBS! Birth control she buys: JOBS! A wedding she plans: JOBS! JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS!"

Danson hopes other actors, dancers, and politicians follow in his selfless lead. "Dude, I can't believe more people aren't helping out," he said. "JOBS!"


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