Thursday, October 28, 2010

Karl Marx Publishes Cookbook from the Grave

Karl Marx has published a cookbook from the grave. The book, entitled "Kooking With Karl: Kookies, Kakes, and Kales," has sold seven million copies worldwide, including twelve hundred on the Kindle. The Kindle edition features six extra recipes: Ice cream, cut avocados, orange juice, mixed beverage pie, lettuce leaf soup, and peas.

"It's not really Karl from the grave publishing this," his great-great-grand-niece, Tabitha, explained on Good Morning America yesterday morning. "It's his family. Karl was a great cook, and he really loved desserts and greens the best. He kept his recipes in a big box, and we found it in our sub-attic, so we decided to compile them into a book."

All proceeds from the book are being donated to the cause of communism.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Al Gore Wins Amateur Burp-Kiss Contest at Lancaster County Fair

Al Gore, who had stopped at the Lancaster County Fair in Pennsylvania to spread word about climate change, entered the Amateur Burp-Kiss Contest on "a lark." "I had said my piece, and people had listened, and I thought, okay, I want to have some fun."

The former Vice President of the United States had fun indeed. He so clearly won the amateur burp-kiss contest that the man in distant second, Dwayne K. Fruloggle, a six-time champ, plans to sue.

"The amateur burp-kiss contest is my one time of year to shine," Fruloggle complained. "I'm just a regular dude the rest of the year. But I was getting so good they were going to move me up to professional."

The Professional Burp-Kiss Contest is very similar to the amateur one, in that it is also an annual occurrence and also takes place at the Lancaster County Fair, but its participants are people who are so talented at burp-kissing that they are paid to do it throughout the year.

The Burp-Kiss is an ancient Amish Jester tradition. One eats a lot of sauerkraut, drinks barleyjuice and seltzer water, burps, saves the burp in the mouth, and then kisses as many people as possible while the vileness of the burp is still present. Dwayne K. Fruloggle's record was 14. Al Gore burp-kissed 53 people with much success and disgust.

"It might be my new thing," said Gore, smiling.