United Airlines Earns Ire With Plans to Build Airplane Hangar on Ground Zero

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Disinterred Corpse of Ronald Reagan Kills Two in Lower Manhattan

At 10:00am today, several masked, unknown perpetrators smuggled the disinterred corpse of Ronald Reagan into 1 World Trade Center--the most northerly of the Twin Towers--and up to the tower's roof before throwing him over the edge. The corpse landed atop a canoodling couple walking on Vesey street, killing them instantly.

Building CCTV recordings reveal the perpetrators to be three in number. They wore all black and monster masks. They also had dressed Mr. Reagan's corpse in all black, though his decomposed face looked enough like a monster mask that one was not required for him.

"We suspect that the perpetrators are prankster youths," read the NYPD's official statement. "We have no idea how they obtained the former president's disinterred corpse, or why they would drop it off the World Trade Center."

Police Chief Janet Reno observed, with a twinkle in her eye, "It takes a real sicko to do this."

The twin towers of the World Trade Center have been involved in several criminal incidents in the past.

Mr. Reagan's corpse shattered into many pieces as it hit its victims, and what bits could be collected have been cremated and scattered at sea.



(SOURCE)

Osama Bin Laden and Julia Roberts to Open Stride Rite Franchise Together

International terrorist ringleader Osama Bin Laden and horsemouthed actress Julia Roberts have both decided to turn over new leaves and go into business together in the management of a Stride Rite shoe store.

Bin Laden stated in a press release "I really admire the Stride Rite brand. The shoes are quite comfortable for all environments, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life working at this store."

Roberts added "I have sixteen pairs of the Purple Pinks. Soooo comfy."

Bin Laden and Roberts met long ago as teenagers at the University of Beijing, where Bin Laden majored in Hearing and Roberts majored in Listening. The two fields of study have quite a bit of overlap, and Roberts and Bin Laden often sat together in the back of lecture halls, cracking wise and discussing footwear. The friends lost touch as their careers diverged, but a chance meeting in a Pakistani hookah bar three months ago brought them back together--now, as business partners!

The Bin Laden/Roberts Stride Rite will be in the King of Prussia Mall, outside Philadelphia.

(SOURCE)