Conan O'Brien Arrested for Having Sex With a Dog at TGI Friday's

Conan O'Brien entered a Los Angeles TGI Friday's restaurant at 7pm yesterday, leading with him, on a leash, an unnamed female rottweiler. The restaurant hostess attempted to remove Mr. O'Brien from the premises due to the franchise's rigid "no dog" policy, but Mr. O'Brien pushed past her, sidled up to the bar, and stole a man's beer.

"He downed that thing in two seconds," said the befuddled Jason Duncan of Los Angeles, 24. "And then, it got really weird."

According to Mr. Duncan and other witnesses, Mr. O'Brien removed his pants, mounted the dog, and had sex with it, emitting "foul and loud whoops of glee." The dog was silent.

"I can't believe he'd do that to our establishment. We were always on Team Conan," said the manager of the restaurant, Lynne Fuhrtenhaur. "I'm sorry he got arrested, but really. It was a dumb thing to do."

Mr. O'Brien issued a statement of apology. It read, in its entirety, "Yeah, okay, sorry, whatever."

(SOURCE)

Jonas Brothers Arrested For Gang Raping A Salad; Charges Dropped

The teen sensation siblings known as the Jonas Brothers dined on lunch this afternoon at Los Angeles neighborhood staple, Applebees. The three young men decided to split the California Shrimp Salad, and when their server brought it to the table, the brothers proceeded to pull off their pants and copulate with the salad.

"It was unreal," commented the server, a gentleman by the name of Sergio. "Like, I had no idea what was going on. Was it a joke? For reality TV or something. I turned around and ran away."

Other diners snapped pictures with their cell phones as the brothers Jonas continued to pillage the pile of greens and crustacean meat. Finally, three members of the LAPD entered the restaurant and handcuffed the brothers. Kevin Jonas began to cry, Nick Jonas claimed he was only watching, and Joe Jonas managed to violently kick the salad, which, spurned and crestfallen, tumbled to the floor.

At the police station, the brothers agreed to autograph everyone's tshirts in exchange for all charges being dropped. They promised to never order salad again.