Andrea Bocelli To Record Pornographic Spoken-Word Record

World-famous baritone Andrea Bocelli announced after a sold-out concert in Brooklyn's McGolrick Park this morning that he is in the process of finalizing "the most amazing record of [his] career." The crowd gave this news a standing ovation, and Mr. Bocelli hushed them, saying "let me tell you about it first, okay?"

The record, which will be released by Interscope in December, will be a 68-minute pornographic spoken-word album featuring titles such as "Fuck my Fucking Fuck-hole," "BallMouth," "A Dick a Day Dionysus," and "Twats, Cunts, and Gashes." Background music will consist of light oboe and cello sounds donated by the Cleveland City Orchestra.

"I'm really proud of this record," Bocelli said. "It's a new direction for me. A permanent one? Time will tell, as time always tells. But it feels great right now!"


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Hugh Hefner to Eat a Motorcycle

Playboy founder, octogenarian, and happy bachelor Hugh Hefner announced yesterday that he plans to spend the rest of his life in pursuit of one goal: To completely devour his favorite motorcycle, a 1992 Harley-Davidson FXDB Daytona, painted bubblegum pink.

Hefner says he plans to take the bike apart piece-by-piece and swallow a little bit of it every day until he has eaten the entire contraption. "I acknowledge that this might take awhile," he commented, "But I wasn't planning on dying soon. Right, girls?" A clowder of bikini-clad pneumatic blondes in their early 20s giggled in assent.

"I love that bike," Hefner continued. "I love it so much. Riding it isn't enough. Riding it naked isn't enough. And so I thought about it... what would be enough? I think this is enough. I think this is enough."

Hefner is under the constant watch of his physician, who has expressed concern about the plan. Harley-Davidson has no comment on the matter.

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