Lemon-faced actress Renee Zellweger admitted in interviews with both People Magazine and Vogue that she is, in fact, pregnant with herself.
In the interviews, Zellweger breathlessly claims to have accidentally traveled back in time to 1968, eight months and 29 days prior her birth, by driving her Volkswagen Jetta too fast on a stretch of I-10 in Los Angeles. When in 1968 and also in the Jetta, she also accidentally ran over and killed her own mother, who had been attempting to cross the street.
Zellweger, knowing that she had been the world's first test-tube baby, thought quickly. She rushed to the fertility clinic, where she impersonated her mother and managed to convince the doctor to implant the embryo in her own uterus. Then, sick and tired of the hardships of 1968, she drove the Jetta fast in reverse, and landed safely back in 2010--pregnant with herself!
"I feel so fulfilled," cooed Zellweger, stroking herself in fetus-form through her own belly. When asked about the paradox of her situation, she rolled her eyes and said "Whatever. I don't have time for those types of thinkings now. I'm about to be a mother."
(SOURCE)
Showing posts with label california. Show all posts
Showing posts with label california. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Arnold Schwarzenegger Diagnosed with Ocular Dentata
Early this afternoon, Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) made a trip to the emergency room, where he was diagnosed with Ocular Dentata.
Ocular Dentata is a very rare condition in which the eyelids grow tiny teeth that gnash together when the patient blinks. In later stages, the eyes become "hungry," and the patient suffers cravings for objects to be consumed through the eyes. It is often thought that Eric Carmen, John DeNicola and Franke Previte--the singer and the writers of the song "Hungry Eyes," respectively--suffered from this condition, but there is no proof.
Ocular Dentata, though inconvenient, is treatable with steroid ointments and a great deal of patience and self-control.
Coincidentally, Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, suffered from a similar condition in her youth: Nasal Dentata. That ailment is far easier to treat (constant nose-picking does the trick), but like Ocular Dentata, it is highly contagious and often recurring.
Ocular Dentata is a very rare condition in which the eyelids grow tiny teeth that gnash together when the patient blinks. In later stages, the eyes become "hungry," and the patient suffers cravings for objects to be consumed through the eyes. It is often thought that Eric Carmen, John DeNicola and Franke Previte--the singer and the writers of the song "Hungry Eyes," respectively--suffered from this condition, but there is no proof.
Ocular Dentata, though inconvenient, is treatable with steroid ointments and a great deal of patience and self-control.
Coincidentally, Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, suffered from a similar condition in her youth: Nasal Dentata. That ailment is far easier to treat (constant nose-picking does the trick), but like Ocular Dentata, it is highly contagious and often recurring.
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