Florida Governor Rick Scott Survived 6 Years on Diet of Rat Turds

Florida's Governor, Tea Partier Rick Scott, confessed in his recently-published autobiography "By, About, and 4 The Lord" that from the age of 30 to 36, he ate nothing but vitamins, water, and the turds of his pet rat, Wanda. The passage in the book reads:

And so it began--the fad diet. I was ninety pounds overweight, and my cholesterol was frightfully high. My doctor recommended diet changes, exercise, and medication, but the medication made me sleepy and I strongly dislike exercising. So I searched for alternative remedies, and found an ancient diet treatise written by a monk in the 1230s--of course, it was written in Latin, so I had it translated. It recommended that I eat nothing by "thy faeces of A Ratte" and health would be mine, so I did. I lost all the weight, and found, on top of that, holiness."

At age 36, a bout with gout convinced Scott to return to more conventional eating habits.

(SOURCE)

Catholics Add a Pope

At a press conference in Rome today, Pope Benedict XVI announced that God revealed to him during an intense morning prayer session that "one Pope is no longer enough."

"Apparently," said Benedict, in lightly accented Latin, "the rule is one Pope per every 6,000,000,000 people. The world's population is now closer to 6,697,254,041. So, we've got to have two Popes. I get it. It's a lot of work. I have been feeling tired."

"Why didn't we know about this before?" shouted a reporter from the audience, in Armenian.

"God's ways are beyond mysterious," smiled Benedict. "They are downright odd. He kinda likes to tell me things as they happen, instead of providing a proper warning."

The short list for Second Pope, as provided to Benedict by God, is as follows: Liam Neeson, Joe Biden, a currently anonymous priest from Halifax, and Justin Timberlake.

(SOURCE)

Dick Cheney Confesses He is the Incarnation of Aztec God

Former US Vice President Dick Cheney confessed in an August 3rd interview with Time Magazine that he believes himself to be the incarnation of the Aztec deity Amimitl, god of lakes and fishermen.

Further, the former Vice President believes most, if not all, current Republican politicians are incarnations of various Aztec deities. He revealed a few. "Sarah Palin, that's easy," he commented. "She's totally Ayauhteotl--gotta love her! Goddess of mist, fog, vanity, and fame! I'd recognize that face anywhere. Also, I suspect Mitt Romney is Cinteotl, the main maize god."

When asked if any Democrats might be incarnations of Aztec deities, Cheney, who has taken to wearing dark eyeliner and a gold headdress, sniffed and turned up his nose. "Doubtful," he said. "If anything, Egyptian or Greek."

(SOURCE)