US Invests in High-Speed Walking (HSW)

The Obama administration announced today that it will invest four million dollars in a High-Speed Walking initiative throughout the country.

"We keep hearing about this 'high speed rail' thing," the President said. "But I took a trip to Kansas the other day and it took me an hour to walk across the hotel lobby because everyone else was so slow and so fat. In New York--in Washington--in Boston--in Philadelphia--people achieve speeds of up to five miles per hour when they walk." The President pointed to a graph. "Look at this. Just look at this. In Mississippi, not one person has walked faster than a quarter mile per hour in thirty years!"

The HSW initiative has two parts: 1) awareness, which will consist mostly of billboards and television spots; and 2) infrastructure, which will consist of sidewalks that are paved with hot coals, as to encourage high speed walking.

Walking is one of the greenest forms of transportation. High-speed walking is especially efficient. Trained and specialized high-speed walkers often achieve speeds comparable to that of roller skaters.

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In Daring Move, Amtrak to Replace Wheels With Trillions of Ants

Passenger rail company Amtrak declared at a press conference this morning that they plan to forgo the traditional "wheels on rails" model of rail transit and instead move to the "ants on rails" method that has gained popularity in rural Yemen, urban Zimbabwe, and the entire nation of Italy.

The "ants on rails" method of rail transit involves no wheels whatsoever. Instead, legions of ants--usually carpenter ants--are glued, in long, rail-shaped phalanxes, to the underside of each rail car. The scent of sugar is sprayed on the tracks in the direction that the train needs to go, and the ants march. The ants know to stop when they have reached the sugar, which is placed at their destination. This method of rail travel averages about 1 mile per hour.

In a world of high-speed rail, the "ants on rails" method--often mocked as "low speed rail"--can seem silly and counterintuitive. However, the costs are so low, and the ride is so smooth and quiet, that many passengers find they prefer it.

"Wheels are expensive and loud, and frankly, totally industrial-stupid and not green," said an Amtrak spokesperson at the press conference.

The first route to be changed over to the new method is the Northeast Corridor. Commuters between Boston, New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. can look forward to train rides that last entire weeks.


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Ethan Allen to Launch Airline

Furniture company Ethan Allen plans to launch an aviation side business as soon as January 2011. The company has been working with Boeing to build special "Comfort Deluxxxe Airliners" outfitted with Ethan Allen chairs, sofas, and tables. The new airline will be called "Ethan Allen Air" and its hub will be Tampa, Florida. It will offer routes between major and minor cities on the East Coast, and will also make one daily flight to Vancouver.

"We hope this business will really take off," commented CEO Enobong Kathy, "Not to use a pun or anything. We think people are really tired of sitting in bad furniture while they fly, and will pay a premium to sit in nice chairs. Also, since the skies are lawless, we serve cocaine and heroin on board." The price premium is reported to be quite high--early documents reveal that the proposed ticket price between Tampa and Washington, D.C. is $5,000.

Ethan Allen has been subject to several business failures over the past decade, from an ill-conceived joint effort with American Apparel, in which it offered a line of furniture made from recycled leotards, to an ill-conceived joint effort with Kentucky Fried Chicken, in which it offered a line of easy chairs that smelled like fried chicken.

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American Airlines to Require Babies to be Checked

American Airlines, subsidiary of the AMR corporation (NYSE: AMR), will start enforcing a controversial new policy on September 1, 2010. The new policy, called "Babies Off Board" requires that parents check infants under age 4 as articles of luggage.

"The luggage compartment of the plane will be pressurized and oxygenated, to ensure the cargo's survival," wrote the airline in a press release. "Similar to the area where cats and dogs travel, the baby section will be safe and comfortable."

Whereas it costs $15 to check a regular suitcase on American Airlines, it will cost $40 to check an infant, $50 to check a middle-aged baby, and $60 to check a toddler. Parents are also welcome and encouraged to check children between the ages of 4 and 10, but it will cost $90 to do so.

When asked whether adults were permitted to check themselves as baggage, to save money, the representative from American Airlines rolled her eyes. "No adult would ever want to be cooped up with all those babies." She flipped her teal-dyed hair. "And even if one did, we have a policy--no baggage without a passenger to claim it."

Child welfare groups are organizing boycotts of American Airlines. However, US Airways, United, Continental, Southwest, and Lufthansa are all reportedly soon to follow American's lead on this policy.


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New York City Subway to be Replaced with Eels

Mayor John Lindsay has come back from the dead. This morning, he invaded MTA headquarters with his trusty hunting rifle, and installed martial law. "These trains are stupid and expensive," he said, with a dismissive wave of the hand. "We're getting rid of them and replacing them with eels."

Eels?

"Eels slither," he explained. "We'll get giant eels, put them in the tunnels, and they'll slither on through. Commuters can jump on their backs, hold on, and sooner than they can say "stand clear of the closing doors please," they'll be at work."

"We're all doomed," said a train operator. "This is the stupidest thing I've heard since the elimination of the 9 train."

Bus drivers are reportedly acting very smug. Even the risen corpse of John Lindsay cannot make eels slither on solid ground.

The eel initiative is set to begin on July 13th. The MTA is donating all of its old subway cars to Buffalo, a city that is replacing its housing stock with transportation vehicles.