Nadsack Stuck to Pence's Leg Irrelevant in Decision to Leave Race

At a press conference today, Republican (now-ex)Vice Presidential Nominee Mike Pence vehemently insisted that his reason for dropping out of the race was not that he accidentally superglued his nadsack to his inner left thigh the previous evening, and certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he, as yet, had not been able to unglue it.

"It's irrelevant," Pence said, standing in an awkward, bent position, with his hand over his misshapen crotch bulge.

"Have you tried acetone?" Shouted a Washington Post reporter. "I did the same damn thing last year and acetone was a godsend."

"Please don't use the lord's name in vain," said Pence, adjusting himself and wincing. "And acetone didn't work in this case."

When pressed for the true reason he decided to step off the ticket, Pence shrugged. "You ever just have enough? I hate this shit. I feel like going to Burger King, playing bocce ball, singing in the rain, and making love to my wife." No one asked him how he planned to do these things with his nad sack stuck to his leg.

Democratic Presidential Nominee, Hillary Clinton, issued a statement wishing Pence a speedy recovery and a life outside of the political sector.

Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential Nominee, sighed and shook his head when asked for a statement. "Getting your nadsack stuck to your leg with nature's own goo is bad enough," he said, in a surprisingly presidential show of empathy for his fellow man. "But super glue? Yeeee-ikes! I wish him the best! And I found a new guy for the ticket!"

Trump's new running mate is the weeping pustule of a newly lanced boil on the rim of his very asshole. He was chosen over Melania's p-word.

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Pee Endorses Donald Trump

At a press conference at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this evening, Pee, the clear-to-yellow liquid seen streaming forth from urethras big and small around the world, endorsed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

"I was an undecided voter for a long time," Pee said, "but as I was passing through a particularly economically depressed, tiny ureter today, I've finally made up my mind. It seems to me that Mr. Trump really has my best interests at heart, so I'm going to vote for him and I urge you to do so as well."

Pee cited a hatred of free trade, a love of making America great again, and an appreciation of the pale yellow color of Mr. Trump's hair as reasons for the endorsement.

"I like yellowish things," Pee shrugged.

Pee's comrades-in-bodily-fluid have been varied in their endorsements. Poop endorsed Mr. Trump several weeks ago, as did his very conservative wife, The Squirts. Blood, Sweat, and Tears endorsed Mr. Trump's rival, the Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton, back in August. Vomit, Puke, Throw-up, and Snot have not endorsed any candidates, but were seen cuddling the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, as he sailed around the Sargasso Sea on his private grand-canoe. Santorum will only ever support Dick Cheney.

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Newt Gingrich Admits to Having Fellated a Pigeon

Thursday night, during the Republican Primary debate, Newt Gingrich shocked voters and his fellow candidates by admitting that in his youth, he had once performed fellatio on a pigeon.

"It was 1955," Gingrich said, waving his hand as though to dismiss his behavior. "Who didn't do something nutty? I was bored, and it was right there, and well, you know how boys are. This in no way has anything to do with my ability to function as President of the United States. In fact, I wager Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and both Roosevelts did the very same thing in their youth-times. It's not that abnormal. It's really not."

Gingrich's admission was in response to moderator Dan Quayle's question, "what is the worst thing you've ever done?"

Mitt Romney answered that he twice shat in his neighbor's mailbox--once in 1996, and once in 1998. "I'm really sorry," he said, shaking his head.

Rick Santorum sighed and admitted to having once fantasized about being gang-banged. "I was a young, wayward lad" he explained, "growing up in a godless country."

Ron Paul answered the question by removing his shirt.

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Herman Cain to Shit Silver Dollars

Republican presidential primary candidate Herman Cain announced today in Salt Lake City that once in office he plans to "shit silver dollars every day or two" to help balance the budget.

"it's a trick I learned when I was a little boy," he told a rapt audience of supporters. "It's easy and not that hard."

Cain went on to say that the silver dollars from his bunghole will eliminate the need for any taxes. "It's that simple," he said, shouting over a screaming crowd of republicans. "It's really that simple."

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North Korea To Pay Off All US Student Loan Debt

The Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.

"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."

France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.

"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."

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Obama to Replace All Furniture in White House with IKEA 'Beddinge'

President Barack Obama announced today, first to the Senate and then to the media, that he plans to "throw away all that musty old furniture" that currently graces the White House and to purchase "a bunch of those beddinge things you can get at Ikea."

The beddinge is IKEA's best selling product, with over 900,000 sold per week in the United States alone. In the May 2011 Sofas! magazine, Kathie Lee Gifford weighed in on the product: "The beddinge is the best couch and the best bed. It's the best piece of furniture in my house. I can't imagine why anyone would not want one."

"They're really nice," the President said, realizing he needed to explain himself after his announcement was received with stunned silence. "Utilitarian. You can sit on them, lie on them, whatever. Eat on them, if you stack them. And we're gonna, because I just threw away the kitchen table. These things are useful in so many ways! They're a good symbol for our hard times. We all must make sacrifices. Plus, all this spending--it's my private money, you know--helps the American economy."

When reminded that IKEA is actually a Swedish company, the President waved his hand and countered, "shut up."


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New Jersey Tidal Wave Claims Ten Thousand Lives

A tidal wave crashed into New Jersey this morning, killing ten thousand people, injuring twenty thousand more, and destroying entire neighborhoods of homes and businesses.

Witnesses claim the wave came "out of nowhere" and inundated the state with a violence that called to mind "Saw."

New Jersey Governor Tom Brokaw has declared a state of emergency. Atlantic City Mayor Janet Jackson has been reported missing. Camden and Newark do not have mayors. Trenton Mayor Frank Sinatra issued the following statement:

New Jersey is in tears today. God help us all.

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BP Comes Clean: Oil Spill Actually Alien Pee

At a press conference in London this afternoon, British Petroleum executives admitted that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not, in fact, an oil spill, but had really been part of a massive, multi-national cover-up for something else. As gasps were heard around the world, the gentlemen pressed on to explain what had really happened: Aliens came to Earth.

According to BP, a shipful of aliens crash-landed in the Gulf of Mexico in April. The creatures, silicon-and-palladium-based saltwater-breathing lifeforms who resemble nothing so much as giant fish made entirely of variously-colored slime, pee almost constantly, and in great volumes. Mexico and Honduras both managed to communicate with the aliens, who had built advanced devices by which they could understand Spanish and other human language, but could only speak back by waving their tails in elaborate formations. Linguists quickly figured out the tail-waving, and the first thing the aliens did was apologize for the excessive peeing. They ruefully noted that the toilets aboard their crashed ship were entirely broken. They they also explained that they had escaped from their home planet because it had become entirely full of their pee, because all their toilets had broken, and the only plumber among them had committed suicide.

Since the pee looked very much like oil, Mexico and Honduras got the support of the UN, and the UN paid BP to take the fall, in the name of keeping pandemonium at bay. Meanwhile, scientists and plumbers banded together to construct new toilets for the aliens. These toilets had to 1) work underwater, 2) handle large quantities of viscous pee, and 3) have seats appropriate for slime-fish creatures. The challenge took from April to July, but once the toilets were complete, they were beautiful marvels of engineering ingenuity.

Now that the toilets are installed, the UN believes it is safe for the world to know that the aliens are here. The aliens plan on staying, since they have no way to leave. Serendipitously, on their home planet, they ate creatures that were very similar chemically to plastic bags. Less serendipitously, they also ate creatures that were very similar chemically to dogs. BP is working to discover if the alien pee is similar enough to oil that it can actually be used as such. The toilets, now, drain to the center of the earth.

"We are very sorry for lying," said the BP executives. "But I think as you see, we kind of had to."

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Paraguay Earns US Ire by Naming July 4th "National Boner Day"

Landlocked South American country Paraguay earned the ire of US officials early this morning by announcing that July 4th would hereby be known as "National Boner Day," or, in Paraguay's official language, "Dia Nacional de Erección."

In Paraguay, National Boner Day will be celebrated by all men walking around naked and aroused. Prosthetic phalli made of wood, plastic, metal, bone[1], starched fabric, and corn cobs will be available for woman to purchase and wear, as well. At night, all Paraguayans are expected to partake in a silent, nation-wide musing on the meaning of the boner. After that, whether citizens use the boners in their conventional manner is "up to them," claims the Paraguayan government.

"Fine, have a boner day," commented US Vice President Joe Biden. "But do you have to do it on the American Independence Day? It just feels awfully stupid and disrespectful. Why not have a boner day on July 5th?"

Paraguay's reason for National Boner Day being on July 4th is numerological. 7+4=11, and 11 looks like two boners. Two boners are always better than one.

[1]. heh.
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Chief Justice John Roberts Sick and Tired of Constant Musical Farting

John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, issued a scathing memorandum this morning that rebuked his fellow justices Antonin Scalia, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Stephen Breyer for their "constant, musical farting" that he deemed "distracting, crass, rude, obnoxious, unprofessional, and slightly out-of-tune."

Scalia, Ginsburg, and Breyer--all accomplished musicians--pooled their talent resources last month and formed an avant garde jazz trio in which the only instrument is the ass. Scalia farts tenor; Ginsburg and Breyer switch off baritone and bass. The justices have played several open mic nights in the Washington, DC metro area and have won a loyal, though small, base of fans. Chief Justice John Roberts does not count himself among them.

"It's cool whatever they want to do with their own time, off the bench," said the Chief Justice, shaking his head. "But when we're hearing arguments, and they start practicing... or jamming, or whatever... I just find it really rude. What have we become?"

An anonymous source close to the court claims that the Chief Justice is "hurt" and "deeply offended" that he was not asked to be in the band. It is rumored that he farts a terrific soprano.


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