Renee Zellweger is Pregnant with Self

Lemon-faced actress Renee Zellweger admitted in interviews with both People Magazine and Vogue that she is, in fact, pregnant with herself.

In the interviews, Zellweger breathlessly claims to have accidentally traveled back in time to 1968, eight months and 29 days prior her birth, by driving her Volkswagen Jetta too fast on a stretch of I-10 in Los Angeles. When in 1968 and also in the Jetta, she also accidentally ran over and killed her own mother, who had been attempting to cross the street.

Zellweger, knowing that she had been the world's first test-tube baby, thought quickly. She rushed to the fertility clinic, where she impersonated her mother and managed to convince the doctor to implant the embryo in her own uterus. Then, sick and tired of the hardships of 1968, she drove the Jetta fast in reverse, and landed safely back in 2010--pregnant with herself!

"I feel so fulfilled," cooed Zellweger, stroking herself in fetus-form through her own belly. When asked about the paradox of her situation, she rolled her eyes and said "Whatever. I don't have time for those types of thinkings now. I'm about to be a mother."

(SOURCE)

Swedish Doctors Engineer Torsoless Infant

A team of doctors in Sweden have successfully altered an embryo's genome to prevent it from developing a torso until the age of 4.

For ages, the torso has been the least loved portion of a human baby. Parents decry it as the heaviest, the least cute, and the fastest-growing--causing hapless fathers and mothers to need to buy shirt after shirt and onesie after onesie.

The team of doctors claims that until age 4, the child's vital organs will be located in its left leg. A temporary anal opening will be on the child's left heel, and a temporary urethral opening will be on the child's left little toe. Genitalia will also not develop until age 4, although the doctors assure the press that blood tests can reveal the sex of the child.

"We believe there is a great market for this," wrote the spokeswoman for the team of doctors. "No parent has ever said 'look at my new baby's lovely torso.' It's because torsos are not lovely at all."

(SOURCE)