Conan O'Brien Arrested for Having Sex With a Dog at TGI Friday's

Conan O'Brien entered a Los Angeles TGI Friday's restaurant at 7pm yesterday, leading with him, on a leash, an unnamed female rottweiler. The restaurant hostess attempted to remove Mr. O'Brien from the premises due to the franchise's rigid "no dog" policy, but Mr. O'Brien pushed past her, sidled up to the bar, and stole a man's beer.

"He downed that thing in two seconds," said the befuddled Jason Duncan of Los Angeles, 24. "And then, it got really weird."

According to Mr. Duncan and other witnesses, Mr. O'Brien removed his pants, mounted the dog, and had sex with it, emitting "foul and loud whoops of glee." The dog was silent.

"I can't believe he'd do that to our establishment. We were always on Team Conan," said the manager of the restaurant, Lynne Fuhrtenhaur. "I'm sorry he got arrested, but really. It was a dumb thing to do."

Mr. O'Brien issued a statement of apology. It read, in its entirety, "Yeah, okay, sorry, whatever."

(SOURCE)

Sting Achieves Prehensile Urethra

Singer Sting, formerly of The Police, confessed in an interview with Fox News this morning that, with exercise and practice, he has achieved the unthinkable: A prehensile urethra!

"It started two years ago when I broke both arms and both legs while skiing," Sting said, on the air. "And, lying in bed, I couldn't pick anything up except with my mouth, which was terribly inconvenient if I was talking. So I decided to work with my peehole. I started with needles and toothpicks and moved up to thumbtacks, and now I can make a nice needlepoint with just my urethra."

Sting's urologist, Dr. G. Stoler, applauded the singer's dedication. "I don't get to see many of these," he said, shaking his head. "I don't get to see many of these."

Sting plans to tour the world in 2011, singing and exhibiting urethral dexterity.

(SOURCE)

David Lynch and Joss Whedon to Collaborate on Sex and the City Remake

David Lynch and Joss Whedon announced in an interview with SkyMall today that they are embarking on a long-awaited, must-see collaboration--a remake of Sex and the City! The pilot episode will be shown on HBO on September 10, 2011.

The remake, entitled "Sex and the Countryside" will be a faithful plotline-by-plotline, problem-by-problem, episode-by-episode remake of Sex and the City, but will be set in the 1620s English countryside, and every character will be played by a sheep, except God, who will be played by Steve Buscemi.

Since fashion played such a large role in the original series, SkyMall saw it fit to ask whether the sheep will wear clothes. Whedon laughed, and Lynch rolled his eyes and commented "Every role except that of God will be played ovinely. Fashion had a role; fashion too will be played ovinely."

"Ovinely means, played by a sheep," offered Whedon, helpfully.

(SOURCE)

Osama Bin Laden and Julia Roberts to Open Stride Rite Franchise Together

International terrorist ringleader Osama Bin Laden and horsemouthed actress Julia Roberts have both decided to turn over new leaves and go into business together in the management of a Stride Rite shoe store.

Bin Laden stated in a press release "I really admire the Stride Rite brand. The shoes are quite comfortable for all environments, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life working at this store."

Roberts added "I have sixteen pairs of the Purple Pinks. Soooo comfy."

Bin Laden and Roberts met long ago as teenagers at the University of Beijing, where Bin Laden majored in Hearing and Roberts majored in Listening. The two fields of study have quite a bit of overlap, and Roberts and Bin Laden often sat together in the back of lecture halls, cracking wise and discussing footwear. The friends lost touch as their careers diverged, but a chance meeting in a Pakistani hookah bar three months ago brought them back together--now, as business partners!

The Bin Laden/Roberts Stride Rite will be in the King of Prussia Mall, outside Philadelphia.

(SOURCE)

Meryl Streep's New Favorite Hobby is Racism

Venerated actress Meryl Streep told TV Guide last week that her new favorite hobby is racism.

"I like to go to the mall and whisper racial slurs at everyone who walks by," she said. "It's really liberating."

Streep claims to also avoid any dining or retail establishment that serves people of all races. "Honestly, it's been hard to eat or buy anything, lately," she commented. "I imagine it would have been easier to have this hobby in the 1950s."

When asked why she has become a racist, Streep laughs. "I'm not racist. It's just a hobby. Not a lifestyle!"

(SOURCE)

Nick Cave Arrested for Eating Trees

Crooner Nick Cave was arrested late Sunday night for breaking into the Brooklyn Botanic Garden and devouring six full trees. Cave ate: Two live oaks, a maple, a yew, a birch, and an apple tree. The singer ate the entire trees--bark, leaves, roots, and all. He had just started munching on a sycamore when a Garden Ranger happened upon him and shot him with a tranquilizer gun.

"I thought he was a bear," said the Garden Ranger, who asked to remain anonymous. "We get a lot of bears around here in the August month."

Cave was hospitalized with a distended belly and a wood-perforated intestine. "I really don't know what came over me," he said in his trademark deep voice. It was raspy with bark remnants. "I don't even like vegetables much. I really am so sorry, you guys. Maybe it's the Ambien or something."

Cave says, if he recovers and does not die, he plans to record an album called "Tree-eater" and donate all the proceeds to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. The garden is suing him for the replacement of all six trees and also for the replacement of one tranquilizer dart. Cave is banned from the garden for the rest of his life.

(SOURCE)

Luke Perry Found Dead in Motel Room Full of Bullfrogs

Actor Luke Perry--most well-known for playing Dylan McKay on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 in the 1990s--was found dead in a Memphis motel room, late Sunday night, surrounded by hundreds of bullfrogs in hundreds of cages.

Perry is survived by his wife, Tilda Swinton, and his daughters, Dakota Fanning and JonBenet Ramses II. "Luke was really into raising bullfrogs," said Swinton, crying. "That's what he was in Memphis for: The annual bullfrog care convention. He went every year."

The cause of death was deemed to be an accidental oxycodone overdose. Perry had been prescribed the medication for severe foot pain caused by fallen arches.

Services will be held at the United Methodist Church in Calgary. Perry's family requests that no flowers or gifts be delivered and instead that donations be made to the Bullfrog Foundation or the Association For Helping Those With Fallen Arches.

"This is just fucked up and tragic," commented former 90210 castmate Gabrielle Carteris.

"He had it coming," said former 90210 castmate Jennie Garth. "Just kidding. He didn't."


(SOURCE)

Renee Zellweger is Pregnant with Self

Lemon-faced actress Renee Zellweger admitted in interviews with both People Magazine and Vogue that she is, in fact, pregnant with herself.

In the interviews, Zellweger breathlessly claims to have accidentally traveled back in time to 1968, eight months and 29 days prior her birth, by driving her Volkswagen Jetta too fast on a stretch of I-10 in Los Angeles. When in 1968 and also in the Jetta, she also accidentally ran over and killed her own mother, who had been attempting to cross the street.

Zellweger, knowing that she had been the world's first test-tube baby, thought quickly. She rushed to the fertility clinic, where she impersonated her mother and managed to convince the doctor to implant the embryo in her own uterus. Then, sick and tired of the hardships of 1968, she drove the Jetta fast in reverse, and landed safely back in 2010--pregnant with herself!

"I feel so fulfilled," cooed Zellweger, stroking herself in fetus-form through her own belly. When asked about the paradox of her situation, she rolled her eyes and said "Whatever. I don't have time for those types of thinkings now. I'm about to be a mother."

(SOURCE)

Elton John Discovered to be Illegitimate Child of Ayn Rand and Adolf Hitler

Singer Elton John, newly interested in his family history, was shocked to learn last month that he was adopted. Further research revealed last week that his birth mother was none other than writer/philosopher Ayn Rand.

John immediately reached out to several of Rand's still-living disciples, and finally learned, this morning, the tragic reason that Rand put him up for adoption: The man who fathered him was none other than Adolf Hitler, who also fathered the Holocaust.

"Most people didn't know about Ayn and Adolf," commented John. "Her friends all said that she was really secretive about the affair, and kind of ambivalent about a future with him. And that when she told him she was pregnant, he threw a tantrum and called her ugly."

When asked whether he is at peace with his new knowledge regarding his origins, Elton John smiled and shrugged. "My real family is the family that raised me. I'm not upset that my birth mother gave me up."
(SOURCE)

Bill Nye and Roseanne Barr to Split Amicably

Entertainers Bill Nye (The Science Guy) and Roseanne Barr are getting divorced after six years of marriage. The couple cites "differences that are probably reconcilable, but we just didn't feel like it" as the cause.

Nye and Barr met in 1988, when Barr's ex-husband, Tom Arnold, hired Nye as his personal science instructor. Nye lived in the then-couple's attic for several months before he and Barr fell in love.

Nye and Barr have 2 children, Simon Barr-Nye and Silvestarre Barr-Nye, ages eight and four, respectively.

(SOURCE)

Sarah Palin to Found University

Ex-Governor of Alaska and national celebrity Sarah Palin announced late Thursday night that she hopes to spend the rest of her career setting up a university to teach "like-minded young men and women the ways of the world, and the ways of my success."

Palin hopes to someday locate her university inside Yucca Mountain; for now, while she awaits her permit, she has rented the 2nd floor of a building in an office park in the suburbs of Boise, Idaho.

"Sarah Palin University won't be one of those high-falutin' intellectual colleges," she said during a telephone interview. "For instance, our majors are actually useful. Here, you can major in: Having Babies, Patriotism Studies, Christian Living, Having a Beer Like a Regular Guy, Being A Success Like Me, Nature, Oil, and etc, stuff."

Tuition will be $68,000 a year. "Republicans work hard for their money, so they've got a lot of it, and will pay for educating," said Palin. "I'm just really happy to share my gifts."

(SOURCE)

Jonas Brothers Arrested For Gang Raping A Salad; Charges Dropped

The teen sensation siblings known as the Jonas Brothers dined on lunch this afternoon at Los Angeles neighborhood staple, Applebees. The three young men decided to split the California Shrimp Salad, and when their server brought it to the table, the brothers proceeded to pull off their pants and copulate with the salad.

"It was unreal," commented the server, a gentleman by the name of Sergio. "Like, I had no idea what was going on. Was it a joke? For reality TV or something. I turned around and ran away."

Other diners snapped pictures with their cell phones as the brothers Jonas continued to pillage the pile of greens and crustacean meat. Finally, three members of the LAPD entered the restaurant and handcuffed the brothers. Kevin Jonas began to cry, Nick Jonas claimed he was only watching, and Joe Jonas managed to violently kick the salad, which, spurned and crestfallen, tumbled to the floor.

At the police station, the brothers agreed to autograph everyone's tshirts in exchange for all charges being dropped. They promised to never order salad again.

Kardashian Sisters to Produce and Star in Broadway Rendition of "The Human Centipede"

Reality television stars Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian have alerted the press that they plan to bring their favorite film "The Human Centipede" to Broadway! The Kardashian sisters discovered the movie in May, and have watched it three times a day ever since.

"I just love it. It's so romantic," gushed Khloe.

"It's really a film about family," mused Kourtney.

"I'm khoreographing all the dance steps," said Kim.

The three sisters will, of khourse, play the centipede. When asked how a movie in which two of the main characters have their mouths sewn to other characters' anuses can be turned into a musical with singing, the Kardashians said, in unison, "Have you ever heard of a khazoo?"

The show will open at the Majestic Theater in December, just in time for Christmas. Justin Timberlake has volunteered to write the songs. Madonna has volunteered to attend. Usher has volunteered to usher.

Cher Commits Suicide

Singer/Actress/Aging Ingenue Cher took her own life this morning, by eating a brillo pad soaked in arsenic.

Cher left a perfumed, handwritten note, stating only "I have become very bored: Screw U!" She was wearing a black leather sweatsuit and Gucci sunglasses.

According to her will, her considerable fortune will be buried at sea.