Herman Cain to Shit Silver Dollars

Republican presidential primary candidate Herman Cain announced today in Salt Lake City that once in office he plans to "shit silver dollars every day or two" to help balance the budget.

"it's a trick I learned when I was a little boy," he told a rapt audience of supporters. "It's easy and not that hard."

Cain went on to say that the silver dollars from his bunghole will eliminate the need for any taxes. "It's that simple," he said, shouting over a screaming crowd of republicans. "It's really that simple."

(SOURCE)

North Korea To Pay Off All US Student Loan Debt

The Honorable Kim Jong Il, North Korea's petite head of state, announced Monday morning in his weekly podcast "Korean Kim! 4 U" that North Korea will donate 1,058 trillion KRW (about 1 trillion USD) to pay off the massive amount of student debt many Americans face.

"I feel very terrible about all the student loan debt in America," Jong Il said. "Here in North Korea, all college is free, free, free. Grad school is also free, free free. We value education so we want everyone to have some. And we don't punish them about it, well, forever and ever."

France and England both released statements calling Jong Il's plan "absurd and ridiculous." Spain and Italy released a co- statement calling the plan "retarded and idiotic." Germany and Belgium released statements accusing Jong Il of "sucking up to young Americans in the hopes of being allowed to someday set off nuclear bombs wherever he wants." Mongolia released a statement hinting that North Korea doesn't actually have 1,058 trillion KRW, noting that North Korea receives 5.6 trillion dollars worth of aid from them every year, and that North Korea's GDP is only 4 USD. The Marshall Islands released a statement that said "We can do better," and went on to announce that it will donate nineteen dollars to every student in the United States, as an apology for not paying off all their loans before North Korea did.

"I think it's fantastic," commented one University of Middle Utah student. "Yesterday, I had seventy thousand dollars worth of debt. Today I have zero debt and plus, nineteen dollars! I am going to buy a cake."

(SOURCE)

Latvia to Use New Currency: The Booger

The Latvian Parliament voted early this morning to embark on an unusual path towards economic recovery from the impact of the great recession: To replace the current currency, the Latvian Lats (LVL) with the Latvian Booger (LBG).

While Latvia is a member of the European Union and had aimed to switch to the Euro by 2012 or 2013, the Parliament decided that it would make much more sense to eschew the Euro altogether, and when phasing out the Lats, phase in the Booger.

The first thing that is revolutionary about Latvia's move is that, unlike other countries who brought about new currencies by simply performing redenomination, ie, how the Polish New Zloty (PLN) was declared equivalent to 10,000 Polish Zloty (PLZ), Latvia has emphasized that there is no exchanging Lati for Boogers.

"This is not a redenomination," stated Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis. "This is a complete elimination. As of September 1, Lati will be worth zero, and each Booger will be worth 4 United States Dollars."

The second thing that is revolutionary about Latvia's move is that the currency will not be minted or printed on notes. Latvian Boogers are exactly what they sound like--Hardened nasal secretions from the Latvian populace.

"Everyone in Latvia has boogers," said Dombrovskis, shrugging, "because colds are so common. And our boogers are especially... you know, je ne sais quois. So we decided that they were worth something, and made them Boogers. Because we are worth something as a nation."

Today, the Lats is worth .000000000006% of what it was worth yesterday. The European Union's statement on the question of the Latvian Booger is forthcoming.



(SOURCE)