Dillards and Food Emporium to Merge Businesses

Dan Quayle, the CEO of Dillards, announced at a spur-of-the-moment press conference Saturday afternoon that Dillards will merge with grocery empire Food Emporium in December, forming a new brand which will be called "EatShirts."

EatShirts will be a revolutionary new type of business--Dillards and Food Emporium aren't just going to have stores that sell both clothing and groceries. EatShirts will sell clothing that is, according to Quayle, "edible, delicious, and affordable."

"We're really excited about this new partnership," Quayle said, smiling and adjusting his tie, which he later confessed was composed of sugar and beet fibers. "Because who has money anymore to buy both clothes and dinner? The answer is: nobody does. Too many people have to choose between eating and fashion. Well, not anymore."

The first EatShirts will open in Spring Creek, Brooklyn, at the Gateway strip mall. Six more stores will open the following week, in the American cities of Sault St. Marie, Helena, Duluth, Portland, and the international cities of Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea, and Stonetown, Tanzania. "Market research has shown a huge demand in Stonetown," said Quayle, when questioned about his choice. "Listen, I'm the CEO for a reason." He licked his tie and pronounced it delicious.

(SOURCE)

Hugh Hefner to Eat a Motorcycle

Playboy founder, octogenarian, and happy bachelor Hugh Hefner announced yesterday that he plans to spend the rest of his life in pursuit of one goal: To completely devour his favorite motorcycle, a 1992 Harley-Davidson FXDB Daytona, painted bubblegum pink.

Hefner says he plans to take the bike apart piece-by-piece and swallow a little bit of it every day until he has eaten the entire contraption. "I acknowledge that this might take awhile," he commented, "But I wasn't planning on dying soon. Right, girls?" A clowder of bikini-clad pneumatic blondes in their early 20s giggled in assent.

"I love that bike," Hefner continued. "I love it so much. Riding it isn't enough. Riding it naked isn't enough. And so I thought about it... what would be enough? I think this is enough. I think this is enough."

Hefner is under the constant watch of his physician, who has expressed concern about the plan. Harley-Davidson has no comment on the matter.

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Trader Joe's to Sell Maggots

Hip specialty grocery store Trader Joe's issued a press release late Saturday night, stating its intention to add maggots to its arsenal of offerings. According to the press release, customers have been requesting maggots for the past year. Upscale competitor Whole Foods has offered maggots for several months, and they have apparently sold well.

Trader Joe's will sell maggots in the following forms: Frozen, fresh, dried, pulverized (as a jam), minced (as a salsa), juiced (as a beverage, a la Clamato), and sugared (as dessert). While Whole Foods offers maggot beauty products such as shampoo, conditioner, face cream, toothpaste, body wash, nail polish, and feminine hygiene rinse, Trader Joe's wrote that at this time, the store will only offer maggot products that are edible.

"Maggots are an excellent source of protein," explained the press release, "and locavores in soil-poor but garbage-rich areas have been eating them and truly enjoying them. We thought we'd spread the cheer."


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