At a press conference at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this evening, Pee, the clear-to-yellow liquid seen streaming forth from urethras big and small around the world, endorsed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.
"I was an undecided voter for a long time," Pee said, "but as I was passing through a particularly economically depressed, tiny ureter today, I've finally made up my mind. It seems to me that Mr. Trump really has my best interests at heart, so I'm going to vote for him and I urge you to do so as well."
Pee cited a hatred of free trade, a love of making America great again, and an appreciation of the pale yellow color of Mr. Trump's hair as reasons for the endorsement.
"I like yellowish things," Pee shrugged.
Pee's comrades-in-bodily-fluid have been varied in their endorsements. Poop endorsed Mr. Trump several weeks ago, as did his very conservative wife, The Squirts. Blood, Sweat, and Tears endorsed Mr. Trump's rival, the Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton, back in August. Vomit, Puke, Throw-up, and Snot have not endorsed any candidates, but were seen cuddling the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, as he sailed around the Sargasso Sea on his private grand-canoe. Santorum will only ever support Dick Cheney.
(SOURCE)
Showing posts with label pee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pee. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2016
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
BP Comes Clean: Oil Spill Actually Alien Pee
At a press conference in London this afternoon, British Petroleum executives admitted that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not, in fact, an oil spill, but had really been part of a massive, multi-national cover-up for something else. As gasps were heard around the world, the gentlemen pressed on to explain what had really happened: Aliens came to Earth.
According to BP, a shipful of aliens crash-landed in the Gulf of Mexico in April. The creatures, silicon-and-palladium-based saltwater-breathing lifeforms who resemble nothing so much as giant fish made entirely of variously-colored slime, pee almost constantly, and in great volumes. Mexico and Honduras both managed to communicate with the aliens, who had built advanced devices by which they could understand Spanish and other human language, but could only speak back by waving their tails in elaborate formations. Linguists quickly figured out the tail-waving, and the first thing the aliens did was apologize for the excessive peeing. They ruefully noted that the toilets aboard their crashed ship were entirely broken. They they also explained that they had escaped from their home planet because it had become entirely full of their pee, because all their toilets had broken, and the only plumber among them had committed suicide.
Since the pee looked very much like oil, Mexico and Honduras got the support of the UN, and the UN paid BP to take the fall, in the name of keeping pandemonium at bay. Meanwhile, scientists and plumbers banded together to construct new toilets for the aliens. These toilets had to 1) work underwater, 2) handle large quantities of viscous pee, and 3) have seats appropriate for slime-fish creatures. The challenge took from April to July, but once the toilets were complete, they were beautiful marvels of engineering ingenuity.
Now that the toilets are installed, the UN believes it is safe for the world to know that the aliens are here. The aliens plan on staying, since they have no way to leave. Serendipitously, on their home planet, they ate creatures that were very similar chemically to plastic bags. Less serendipitously, they also ate creatures that were very similar chemically to dogs. BP is working to discover if the alien pee is similar enough to oil that it can actually be used as such. The toilets, now, drain to the center of the earth.
"We are very sorry for lying," said the BP executives. "But I think as you see, we kind of had to."
(SOURCE)
According to BP, a shipful of aliens crash-landed in the Gulf of Mexico in April. The creatures, silicon-and-palladium-based saltwater-breathing lifeforms who resemble nothing so much as giant fish made entirely of variously-colored slime, pee almost constantly, and in great volumes. Mexico and Honduras both managed to communicate with the aliens, who had built advanced devices by which they could understand Spanish and other human language, but could only speak back by waving their tails in elaborate formations. Linguists quickly figured out the tail-waving, and the first thing the aliens did was apologize for the excessive peeing. They ruefully noted that the toilets aboard their crashed ship were entirely broken. They they also explained that they had escaped from their home planet because it had become entirely full of their pee, because all their toilets had broken, and the only plumber among them had committed suicide.
Since the pee looked very much like oil, Mexico and Honduras got the support of the UN, and the UN paid BP to take the fall, in the name of keeping pandemonium at bay. Meanwhile, scientists and plumbers banded together to construct new toilets for the aliens. These toilets had to 1) work underwater, 2) handle large quantities of viscous pee, and 3) have seats appropriate for slime-fish creatures. The challenge took from April to July, but once the toilets were complete, they were beautiful marvels of engineering ingenuity.
Now that the toilets are installed, the UN believes it is safe for the world to know that the aliens are here. The aliens plan on staying, since they have no way to leave. Serendipitously, on their home planet, they ate creatures that were very similar chemically to plastic bags. Less serendipitously, they also ate creatures that were very similar chemically to dogs. BP is working to discover if the alien pee is similar enough to oil that it can actually be used as such. The toilets, now, drain to the center of the earth.
"We are very sorry for lying," said the BP executives. "But I think as you see, we kind of had to."
(SOURCE)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
New Jersey Man Suffers Urethral Grapes
An unnamed man in his mid-30s checked in to a Camden-area hospital early this morning with severe pain in his abdomen and groin. X-rays revealed four strange, spheroid objects in his ureter and his urethra, and doctors assumed they were abnormally smooth gall stones. The man surprised himself and the entire hospital when, after a great gasp, he peed four grapes.
"I don't even eat grapes," he was overheard saying, through his sobs. "I hate grapes." The hospital is holding him for further tests.
(SOURCE)
"I don't even eat grapes," he was overheard saying, through his sobs. "I hate grapes." The hospital is holding him for further tests.
(SOURCE)
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