Disinterred Corpse of Ronald Reagan Kills Two in Lower Manhattan

At 10:00am today, several masked, unknown perpetrators smuggled the disinterred corpse of Ronald Reagan into 1 World Trade Center--the most northerly of the Twin Towers--and up to the tower's roof before throwing him over the edge. The corpse landed atop a canoodling couple walking on Vesey street, killing them instantly.

Building CCTV recordings reveal the perpetrators to be three in number. They wore all black and monster masks. They also had dressed Mr. Reagan's corpse in all black, though his decomposed face looked enough like a monster mask that one was not required for him.

"We suspect that the perpetrators are prankster youths," read the NYPD's official statement. "We have no idea how they obtained the former president's disinterred corpse, or why they would drop it off the World Trade Center."

Police Chief Janet Reno observed, with a twinkle in her eye, "It takes a real sicko to do this."

The twin towers of the World Trade Center have been involved in several criminal incidents in the past.

Mr. Reagan's corpse shattered into many pieces as it hit its victims, and what bits could be collected have been cremated and scattered at sea.



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Luke Perry Found Dead in Motel Room Full of Bullfrogs

Actor Luke Perry--most well-known for playing Dylan McKay on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 in the 1990s--was found dead in a Memphis motel room, late Sunday night, surrounded by hundreds of bullfrogs in hundreds of cages.

Perry is survived by his wife, Tilda Swinton, and his daughters, Dakota Fanning and JonBenet Ramses II. "Luke was really into raising bullfrogs," said Swinton, crying. "That's what he was in Memphis for: The annual bullfrog care convention. He went every year."

The cause of death was deemed to be an accidental oxycodone overdose. Perry had been prescribed the medication for severe foot pain caused by fallen arches.

Services will be held at the United Methodist Church in Calgary. Perry's family requests that no flowers or gifts be delivered and instead that donations be made to the Bullfrog Foundation or the Association For Helping Those With Fallen Arches.

"This is just fucked up and tragic," commented former 90210 castmate Gabrielle Carteris.

"He had it coming," said former 90210 castmate Jennie Garth. "Just kidding. He didn't."


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Pomeranians Nearly Extinct

A Pomeranian blight has made its way around the world, from country to country and continent to continent, and now the breed is nearly extinct.

The blight began in March, deep in Tajikstan, where the breed is held in very high esteem and where some outlying rural tribes of people even worship the tiny dogs.

The illness starts with a cough, and then all the dog's fur falls off. The dog turns blue and shrivels to half its size, and then dies. The time between onset and death is approximately half an hour.

Other breeds of dog are not susceptible to the blight.

Cher Commits Suicide

Singer/Actress/Aging Ingenue Cher took her own life this morning, by eating a brillo pad soaked in arsenic.

Cher left a perfumed, handwritten note, stating only "I have become very bored: Screw U!" She was wearing a black leather sweatsuit and Gucci sunglasses.

According to her will, her considerable fortune will be buried at sea.