Dillards and Food Emporium to Merge Businesses

Dan Quayle, the CEO of Dillards, announced at a spur-of-the-moment press conference Saturday afternoon that Dillards will merge with grocery empire Food Emporium in December, forming a new brand which will be called "EatShirts."

EatShirts will be a revolutionary new type of business--Dillards and Food Emporium aren't just going to have stores that sell both clothing and groceries. EatShirts will sell clothing that is, according to Quayle, "edible, delicious, and affordable."

"We're really excited about this new partnership," Quayle said, smiling and adjusting his tie, which he later confessed was composed of sugar and beet fibers. "Because who has money anymore to buy both clothes and dinner? The answer is: nobody does. Too many people have to choose between eating and fashion. Well, not anymore."

The first EatShirts will open in Spring Creek, Brooklyn, at the Gateway strip mall. Six more stores will open the following week, in the American cities of Sault St. Marie, Helena, Duluth, Portland, and the international cities of Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea, and Stonetown, Tanzania. "Market research has shown a huge demand in Stonetown," said Quayle, when questioned about his choice. "Listen, I'm the CEO for a reason." He licked his tie and pronounced it delicious.

(SOURCE)

Human Leg Harvesters Receive Life In Prison With No Parole

An international cartel of human leg harvesters was sentenced to life in prison without parole this morning by the Supreme Court of the United States. Justice Antonin Scalia delivered the sentence with his characteristic glower: "You are going to rot in prison."

The leg harvesting operation grew out of a high school male prostitution ring gone awry. The boys, headquartered in Dallas, Texas, sold themselves to housewives and househusbands all across the metropolitan area. In 2008, a rancher requested a pair of legs without a boy attached, and the ring provided. Soon, that rancher ran the whole operation and shipped legs all across the world.

The CIA followed the plot for years, infiltrating its ranks. The cartel shipped legs, packed tight in coolers,to Mexico, Canada, China, Papua New Guinea, Morocco, Italy, Turkey, Pakistan, and Thailand. Recipients used the legs as fetish objects, medicine, and talismans against evil.

The legs belonged to the original male prostitutes and their wrestling team friends.