Switzerland to Abandon Currency in Favor of Barter System

The Grand Duke of Switzerland, Heimlich K. Maneuver, announced late Saturday night that Switzerland is abandoning the CHF in favor of what he called "a return to the peaceful values of trading goods and services for goods and services."

"Listen," he said, shaking his head. "We're tired of all this banking bullshit. We're closing all the banks and turning them into gardens. The gardens will grow flowers and foodstuffs. We will trade the flowers and foodstuffs. Tomorrow morning, the Swiss franc will be worth zilch."

Grand Duke Heimlich K. Maneuver, a world-renowned expert in the fields of Economics, Policy, and Fencing, holds advanced degrees from the University of Phoenix and the University of the Ozarks. His Facebook page lists his hobbies, which include: "war games," "knowing when to hold/knowing when to fold," and "receiving fellatio :)"

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US GDP Falls by 76%

The United States issued a worldwide press release this afternoon, announcing that its gross domestic product had declined by 76% in the month of July. "Everyone is really bored and tired, and we don't want to do stuff anymore," the missive began. It went on to list all the reasons for the nation's collective ennui, which included: heat, hunger, "our shoes are too tight," "farms aren't fun anymore," "metal is dumb to make," "we feel like being minimalists," and "so what, fuck you."

Yugoslavia responded with a press release of its own, stating "you owe us some money, though." Iraq issued a press release that read "huh, whatever." China issued a press release in Chinese, but nobody could translate it.


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San Diego Zoo to House Humans

The San Diego Zoo is embarking on a controversial new program as of August 12th: It is going to welcome four humans to live in a habitat at the zoo.

The humans will live in the style of early cavepeople--in cavelike dwellings with plains-like flora, and without clothing. The habitat will be kept at a balmy 94 degrees Fahrenheit.

To avoid the awkward adjustment period that would be inevitable with adult humans, the humans selected to live at the zoo are currently babies. Two of the babies were left at firehouses in baskets, and the other two were purchased from a local family who already had ten children. Three of the babies are female and one is male. They have been affectionately nicknamed Madison, Kayla, Ashleigh, and Jayden. Zookeepers will provide baths, comfort and cuddling for the infants until they are old enough to do this for themselves. The zookeepers will never speak to the children, so they can develop their own new language. Food--in the form of nutrition pellets, vegetables, and raw beef--will be provided for the humans' entire lifetimes.

"This is a tremendous opportunity for us as an institution," said the Zoo President.

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MOMA to be Knee Deep In Yogurt

The entirety of New York City's Museum of Modern Art will be knee-deep in yogurt for the full month of August. The installation, entitled "Uh Oh," was conceived as a joint project between Vincent Gallo and Bill Cosby.

"Guests will check their shoes at the door, and put on these," said a spokesman for MOMA, holding up what appeared to be a thigh-high polyurethane sock. "Then they can walk through the museum and look at the art while experiencing the installation."

The yogurt will be donated by Dannon and will be vanilla flavored and low fat. The museum's floors have been treated and sealed with special wax to avoid permanent damage from the moisture. The yogurt will not be switched out for fresh yogurt throughout the month. What if it spoils? "That's sort of the point," said Gallo. "Uh oh!" chimed in Cosby.

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Worse Than Bedbugs: BedHabsburgs!

A new household parasite has arrived in Brooklyn, New York, and this one is pretty bad. BedHabsburgs are exactly like bedbugs in every way, except instead of being tiny insects, they are full grown members of the Habsburg dynasty. Just like their bug cousins, they bite, infect everything they touch, and are nearly impossible to banish.

The first case of bedHabsburgs came to light last week, when an anonymous 29-year-old woman from Maspeth avenue in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called New York's 311 line with a complaint.

"There are parasites in my bed," the transcript of the call reads. "But they aren't bugs. They seem to be people dressed in garb from the 1500s through the 1800s. Some of them appear to be feeble-minded, and NONE of them will leave!"

BedHabsburgs can range from the venerable and polite Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, to the retarded and incontinent Ferdinand I of Austria. All bedHabsburgs are full-size humans, some of them have deeply unattractive underbites, and part of what makes a bedHabsburg infestation unbearable is that they take up the entire bed. They also are known to moan for food, soil themselves and each other, and bicker in sundry European tongues.

The only cure for a bedHabsburg infestation is to destroy all belongings and move. Extermination does not work. BedHabsburgs are immortal, and, just like conventional Habsburgs, are very prolific in their reproductive behavior.




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Kardashian Sisters to Produce and Star in Broadway Rendition of "The Human Centipede"

Reality television stars Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian have alerted the press that they plan to bring their favorite film "The Human Centipede" to Broadway! The Kardashian sisters discovered the movie in May, and have watched it three times a day ever since.

"I just love it. It's so romantic," gushed Khloe.

"It's really a film about family," mused Kourtney.

"I'm khoreographing all the dance steps," said Kim.

The three sisters will, of khourse, play the centipede. When asked how a movie in which two of the main characters have their mouths sewn to other characters' anuses can be turned into a musical with singing, the Kardashians said, in unison, "Have you ever heard of a khazoo?"

The show will open at the Majestic Theater in December, just in time for Christmas. Justin Timberlake has volunteered to write the songs. Madonna has volunteered to attend. Usher has volunteered to usher.

Zimbabwe Invades Russia

Zimbabwe launched an attack on Russia this morning. The Zimbabwe Royal Navy sent 300 ships to invade Vladivostok. 200 of the ships were iron-clad warships, 50 were canoes, and 50 were nuclear submarines.

Russia issued a press release saying, in Russian, "We are at a loss as to why this is happening." Zimbabwe has yet to comment.