New York Times to Charge for Online Access

This week, the New York Times began to charge users to access its online content.

Times readers will be able to access 20 articles a month for free. After they have accessed 20 articles, they must subscribe to get access to additional content. The paper offers three pricing plans that permit different levels of content access. The cheapest plan costs $15 per month and the most expensive plan costs $35 per month. Subscribers to the print edition of the paper will also have unlimited access to the online edition.

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Nick Cave Arrested for Eating Trees

Crooner Nick Cave was arrested late Sunday night for breaking into the Brooklyn Botanic Garden and devouring six full trees. Cave ate: Two live oaks, a maple, a yew, a birch, and an apple tree. The singer ate the entire trees--bark, leaves, roots, and all. He had just started munching on a sycamore when a Garden Ranger happened upon him and shot him with a tranquilizer gun.

"I thought he was a bear," said the Garden Ranger, who asked to remain anonymous. "We get a lot of bears around here in the August month."

Cave was hospitalized with a distended belly and a wood-perforated intestine. "I really don't know what came over me," he said in his trademark deep voice. It was raspy with bark remnants. "I don't even like vegetables much. I really am so sorry, you guys. Maybe it's the Ambien or something."

Cave says, if he recovers and does not die, he plans to record an album called "Tree-eater" and donate all the proceeds to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. The garden is suing him for the replacement of all six trees and also for the replacement of one tranquilizer dart. Cave is banned from the garden for the rest of his life.

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MOMA to be Knee Deep In Yogurt

The entirety of New York City's Museum of Modern Art will be knee-deep in yogurt for the full month of August. The installation, entitled "Uh Oh," was conceived as a joint project between Vincent Gallo and Bill Cosby.

"Guests will check their shoes at the door, and put on these," said a spokesman for MOMA, holding up what appeared to be a thigh-high polyurethane sock. "Then they can walk through the museum and look at the art while experiencing the installation."

The yogurt will be donated by Dannon and will be vanilla flavored and low fat. The museum's floors have been treated and sealed with special wax to avoid permanent damage from the moisture. The yogurt will not be switched out for fresh yogurt throughout the month. What if it spoils? "That's sort of the point," said Gallo. "Uh oh!" chimed in Cosby.

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Worse Than Bedbugs: BedHabsburgs!

A new household parasite has arrived in Brooklyn, New York, and this one is pretty bad. BedHabsburgs are exactly like bedbugs in every way, except instead of being tiny insects, they are full grown members of the Habsburg dynasty. Just like their bug cousins, they bite, infect everything they touch, and are nearly impossible to banish.

The first case of bedHabsburgs came to light last week, when an anonymous 29-year-old woman from Maspeth avenue in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called New York's 311 line with a complaint.

"There are parasites in my bed," the transcript of the call reads. "But they aren't bugs. They seem to be people dressed in garb from the 1500s through the 1800s. Some of them appear to be feeble-minded, and NONE of them will leave!"

BedHabsburgs can range from the venerable and polite Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, to the retarded and incontinent Ferdinand I of Austria. All bedHabsburgs are full-size humans, some of them have deeply unattractive underbites, and part of what makes a bedHabsburg infestation unbearable is that they take up the entire bed. They also are known to moan for food, soil themselves and each other, and bicker in sundry European tongues.

The only cure for a bedHabsburg infestation is to destroy all belongings and move. Extermination does not work. BedHabsburgs are immortal, and, just like conventional Habsburgs, are very prolific in their reproductive behavior.




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New York City Subway to be Replaced with Eels

Mayor John Lindsay has come back from the dead. This morning, he invaded MTA headquarters with his trusty hunting rifle, and installed martial law. "These trains are stupid and expensive," he said, with a dismissive wave of the hand. "We're getting rid of them and replacing them with eels."

Eels?

"Eels slither," he explained. "We'll get giant eels, put them in the tunnels, and they'll slither on through. Commuters can jump on their backs, hold on, and sooner than they can say "stand clear of the closing doors please," they'll be at work."

"We're all doomed," said a train operator. "This is the stupidest thing I've heard since the elimination of the 9 train."

Bus drivers are reportedly acting very smug. Even the risen corpse of John Lindsay cannot make eels slither on solid ground.

The eel initiative is set to begin on July 13th. The MTA is donating all of its old subway cars to Buffalo, a city that is replacing its housing stock with transportation vehicles.

Kardashian Sisters to Produce and Star in Broadway Rendition of "The Human Centipede"

Reality television stars Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian have alerted the press that they plan to bring their favorite film "The Human Centipede" to Broadway! The Kardashian sisters discovered the movie in May, and have watched it three times a day ever since.

"I just love it. It's so romantic," gushed Khloe.

"It's really a film about family," mused Kourtney.

"I'm khoreographing all the dance steps," said Kim.

The three sisters will, of khourse, play the centipede. When asked how a movie in which two of the main characters have their mouths sewn to other characters' anuses can be turned into a musical with singing, the Kardashians said, in unison, "Have you ever heard of a khazoo?"

The show will open at the Majestic Theater in December, just in time for Christmas. Justin Timberlake has volunteered to write the songs. Madonna has volunteered to attend. Usher has volunteered to usher.

Third Street Bazaar Closed 6 Years Ago - Just Kidding

Six years ago, the venerable NYU-area New York City institution, the Third Street Bazaar, shut its doors and came back from the dead as an Ace Hardware. Third Street Bazaar sold generations of NYU students dorm room staples, such as multicolored hanging beads, rice lights, and fanciful plastic dishware. Its closure sent everyone running to Surprise Surprise, across town on Third Avenue.

Just kidding.

Empire State Building to be Gutted, Turned into World's Tallest Gay Bar

Marolda Properties has finalized plans to dramatically change this New York City landmark--in August 2010, construction will begin on the project, which involves gutting the entire building to make it one large atrium, and outfitting the room with several bars, dance floors, and strobe lights. "We believe there is an underservered market," commented the management company, "And right now, there are too many office buildings in the area and not nearly enough gay bars with very tall ceilings. We believe midtown is home to quite a few very tall gay men who often have to slouch just to take part in bar festivities with their friends."

In 1998, there were similar plans for the World Trade Center, but we all know how that ended.