Pee Endorses Donald Trump

At a press conference at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn this evening, Pee, the clear-to-yellow liquid seen streaming forth from urethras big and small around the world, endorsed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

"I was an undecided voter for a long time," Pee said, "but as I was passing through a particularly economically depressed, tiny ureter today, I've finally made up my mind. It seems to me that Mr. Trump really has my best interests at heart, so I'm going to vote for him and I urge you to do so as well."

Pee cited a hatred of free trade, a love of making America great again, and an appreciation of the pale yellow color of Mr. Trump's hair as reasons for the endorsement.

"I like yellowish things," Pee shrugged.

Pee's comrades-in-bodily-fluid have been varied in their endorsements. Poop endorsed Mr. Trump several weeks ago, as did his very conservative wife, The Squirts. Blood, Sweat, and Tears endorsed Mr. Trump's rival, the Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton, back in August. Vomit, Puke, Throw-up, and Snot have not endorsed any candidates, but were seen cuddling the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, as he sailed around the Sargasso Sea on his private grand-canoe. Santorum will only ever support Dick Cheney.

(SOURCE)

Jelly Belly to Introduce Line of Semen-Flavored Jelly Beans

Candymaking company Jelly Belly revealed this morning that, in 2011, it will unveil an entirely new line of jelly beans. While jelly belly has always been at the forefront of unorthodox jelly bean flavoring--popcorn? margarita?--its new line promises to be the most controversial yet, as the candies will not be fruit-flavored, or even food-flavored at all. The candies will taste like different types of semen.

The line--called "Jizzy Beans"--will offer several different varieties of semenic taste. "Carnivore," "vegeterian," "only drinks water and eats vitamins," and "very ill" are all included.

"We want eating jelly beans to be a thoroughly rich and unique experience, like life," claimed a spokesman for Jelly Belly. "And like in life, you gotta take the good with the bad."

Jizzy Beans will be offered at Walgreens, CVS, Ricky's, Sephora, J. Crew, and Home Depot.

(SOURCE)