New Jersey Tidal Wave Claims Ten Thousand Lives

A tidal wave crashed into New Jersey this morning, killing ten thousand people, injuring twenty thousand more, and destroying entire neighborhoods of homes and businesses.

Witnesses claim the wave came "out of nowhere" and inundated the state with a violence that called to mind "Saw."

New Jersey Governor Tom Brokaw has declared a state of emergency. Atlantic City Mayor Janet Jackson has been reported missing. Camden and Newark do not have mayors. Trenton Mayor Frank Sinatra issued the following statement:

New Jersey is in tears today. God help us all.

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St. Lawrence Seaway Infested With Seahorses

As of Wednesday afternoon, the St. Lawrence Seaway--'Aquatic Gateway to Manifest Destiny'--is completely unnavigable due to an infestation of seahorses from the Atlantic Ocean. The seahorses have also infested Lake Ontario, Lake Erie, and Lake Huron. Because of the fresh water and the chemical sludge in the lakes and the seaway, the seahorses have grown sixteen times larger than normal and have become eighty-five times more fecund.

Lower Canada and the US Rust Belt are, according to the Associated Press, disconsolate. All industry is at a standstill. The water is reportedly "so thick with giant, omnivorous seahorses that fish and maritime mammals are washing up dead and half-eaten."

According to The Columbus Free Press young Ohio boy lost a portion of his leg while wading in Lake Erie.

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