Silly Bandz Revealed to Be Vulcanized Squid Anuses

An FBI task force revealed today in a 55 page final report that Silly Bandz--a fad that has overtaken the United States, similar to slap bracelets in the early 1990s and rope anklets in the early 2000s--are not, as the company claimed earlier, rubber bracelets molded into pleasing shapes, but are instead sliced pieces of squids' anal sphincters. The shapes are designed by nature.

According to the final report, the squid anuses undergo a vulcanization process, similar but not identical to the one companies use when manufacturing rubber toys. Then, the squid anuses are dyed, packaged, and sold across the country.

Because of the success of Silly Bandz, several species of squid are now endangered. The FBI has taken Silly Bandz CEO Rodney Dangerfield into custody, and has advised all retailers to stop selling the items. The FBI does stress that Silly Bandz are perfectly safe, as there is nothing unsanitary about a processed squid anus.

(SOURCE)

In Daring Move, Amtrak to Replace Wheels With Trillions of Ants

Passenger rail company Amtrak declared at a press conference this morning that they plan to forgo the traditional "wheels on rails" model of rail transit and instead move to the "ants on rails" method that has gained popularity in rural Yemen, urban Zimbabwe, and the entire nation of Italy.

The "ants on rails" method of rail transit involves no wheels whatsoever. Instead, legions of ants--usually carpenter ants--are glued, in long, rail-shaped phalanxes, to the underside of each rail car. The scent of sugar is sprayed on the tracks in the direction that the train needs to go, and the ants march. The ants know to stop when they have reached the sugar, which is placed at their destination. This method of rail travel averages about 1 mile per hour.

In a world of high-speed rail, the "ants on rails" method--often mocked as "low speed rail"--can seem silly and counterintuitive. However, the costs are so low, and the ride is so smooth and quiet, that many passengers find they prefer it.

"Wheels are expensive and loud, and frankly, totally industrial-stupid and not green," said an Amtrak spokesperson at the press conference.

The first route to be changed over to the new method is the Northeast Corridor. Commuters between Boston, New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. can look forward to train rides that last entire weeks.


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St. Lawrence Seaway Infested With Seahorses

As of Wednesday afternoon, the St. Lawrence Seaway--'Aquatic Gateway to Manifest Destiny'--is completely unnavigable due to an infestation of seahorses from the Atlantic Ocean. The seahorses have also infested Lake Ontario, Lake Erie, and Lake Huron. Because of the fresh water and the chemical sludge in the lakes and the seaway, the seahorses have grown sixteen times larger than normal and have become eighty-five times more fecund.

Lower Canada and the US Rust Belt are, according to the Associated Press, disconsolate. All industry is at a standstill. The water is reportedly "so thick with giant, omnivorous seahorses that fish and maritime mammals are washing up dead and half-eaten."

According to The Columbus Free Press young Ohio boy lost a portion of his leg while wading in Lake Erie.

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San Diego Zoo to House Humans

The San Diego Zoo is embarking on a controversial new program as of August 12th: It is going to welcome four humans to live in a habitat at the zoo.

The humans will live in the style of early cavepeople--in cavelike dwellings with plains-like flora, and without clothing. The habitat will be kept at a balmy 94 degrees Fahrenheit.

To avoid the awkward adjustment period that would be inevitable with adult humans, the humans selected to live at the zoo are currently babies. Two of the babies were left at firehouses in baskets, and the other two were purchased from a local family who already had ten children. Three of the babies are female and one is male. They have been affectionately nicknamed Madison, Kayla, Ashleigh, and Jayden. Zookeepers will provide baths, comfort and cuddling for the infants until they are old enough to do this for themselves. The zookeepers will never speak to the children, so they can develop their own new language. Food--in the form of nutrition pellets, vegetables, and raw beef--will be provided for the humans' entire lifetimes.

"This is a tremendous opportunity for us as an institution," said the Zoo President.

(SOURCE)