Britney Spears Has Surgery to Switch Face and Butt

Britney Spears was admitted to the UCLA Hospital Major Surgery Center early Sunday morning for an operation-- faciobuttoplasty--she claims she has been hoping to have for a long time.

"I've been saving money for this since I was a little girl," she told a Newsweek reporter, as she sat in the waiting room. "This is going to be a dream come true."

Ms. Spears, 34, is going to be the world's first person to undergo this new and controversial procedure. A team of plastic surgeons will first remove her entire face and store it in a sterile liquiviscuous hydrogen chamber while Ms. Spears is flipped over for her butt to receive the same treatment. Once her butt is removed and stored in the chamber, her face will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed carefully to the area where her butt used to be. Since butts are classically larger than faces, Ms. Spears' face will be lightly stretched to cover the correct amount of her body. Once the face is stiched to where the butt used to be, Ms. Spears will be flipped over again and her butt will be brought out of the liquiviscuous hydrogen and graphed to where her face used to be. The extra buttflesh will be used to create "cute little florettes" that Ms. Spears designed herself, to be sewn to her ears.

Once the outer, cosmetic part of the surgery is complete, a team of internists and surgeons will use lasers to reroute the workings of Ms. Spears body so she can still see from her newly-placed eyes, smell from her newly-placed nose, eat from her newly-placed mouth, and defecate from her newly-placed butt without any hardship.

Ms. Spears is expected to be released from the hospital by Tuesday, and her bandages are set to come off the following Friday.

"I feel great about this," she said, smiling. "Next time you see this smile, you know where it will be!"



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Lil' Wayne Loses Both Arms While Installing Windmill

Rapper Lil' Wayne was airlifted to New York's Bellevue hospital late this morning after a freak accident resulted in the severance of both his arms at the elbows.

"I am mad," He told reporters, after surgery to reattach his arms failed. "I am really, really, really mad."

Lil' Wayne had been installing windmills on Staten Island with the volunteer group "Wind, Not War." "Wind, Not War" builds windmill farms on parking lots of abandoned strip malls and then donates the proceeds from the energy to peace efforts. The windmill Lil' Wayne had been installing during his accident suffered a malfunctioning rotary motor.

When asked what his future plans will be, now that he has no arms, Lil' Wayne said "First, I'm suing. Then, maybe a talk show."

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Swedish Doctors Engineer Torsoless Infant

A team of doctors in Sweden have successfully altered an embryo's genome to prevent it from developing a torso until the age of 4.

For ages, the torso has been the least loved portion of a human baby. Parents decry it as the heaviest, the least cute, and the fastest-growing--causing hapless fathers and mothers to need to buy shirt after shirt and onesie after onesie.

The team of doctors claims that until age 4, the child's vital organs will be located in its left leg. A temporary anal opening will be on the child's left heel, and a temporary urethral opening will be on the child's left little toe. Genitalia will also not develop until age 4, although the doctors assure the press that blood tests can reveal the sex of the child.

"We believe there is a great market for this," wrote the spokeswoman for the team of doctors. "No parent has ever said 'look at my new baby's lovely torso.' It's because torsos are not lovely at all."

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Horse Pee Found to Cure Depression

Psychiatrists and scientists at the University of California at Berkeley have discovered a cure for depression--horse pee! This remarkable cure was found by accident, as several of the test subjects in an unrelated depression medication study felt so sad, mild, and grey that they tried to inject passion back into their lives by disgusting themselves through drinking horse pee.

Miraculously, the horse pee did not disgust them: It cured them. The researchers quickly set up a double-blind study, and the horse pee had a 99% success rate at curing depression.

The horse pee, however, cannot be bottled and sold in pharmacies. It must come right from the source--the horse, of course. The ideal regimen is five liters of horse pee a day for the rest of one's life. "It doesn't really taste that bad," said one newly cheered depressio. "It's certainly better than creamed spinach, I'll tell you that much." He smiled and took a sip from the horse pee cleverly kept in his 45 ounce nalgene.